First Page Critique – What’s At Stake?


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Kathryn Lilley, TKZ

Today we’re reviewing the first page of a story called THE CASE OF THE MISSING YACHT, submitted anonymously for critique. As usual, my comments follow the submission. Please add  your feedback and constructive criticism in the comments. Thanks!

THE CASE OF THE MISSING YACHT

The sign on the door of my Georgetown office said “Vic Jones, Finder of Lost Items.” You might say I’m the St Anthony of DC. I was logging the details of my last case and anticipating an early start on a liquid-refreshed weekend when Mr. Double-Breasted-with-Cravat flounced in blathering about his lost yacht. Gee, I was mildly impressed; until now I didn’t know anyone who owned a yacht.

He was an odd little man, heavy around the bottom, narrow shoulders, thinning hair, and a Groucho Marx-style mustache. He talked non-stop seemingly without taking a breath.

“You’re looking for a big boat, right?” I cut off his monologue; I couldn’t stand it another second. “Who has time to play with boats? A grown man like you ought to be working the mean streets making a decent living.”

“I do make a decent living, young lady,” he went all indignant. “How do you think I can afford a yacht?”

I reached over the desk and laid a stinger across that fat face of his. I don’t care much for back-talk.

His eyes went moist as uncertainty registered followed by a flash of terror. His hand covered the enforced blush spreading over his cheek. What do you think, too forward on our first encounter? He backed way and mumbled, “Perhaps another time.”

“Take a seat.” I said, and noted his hesitancy. “What’s the matter; did I muss your hair? You were saying something about a lost yak?”

“Yacht,” he corrected me. He settled into my wide leather chair, the one that gets clients to relax and unwind. I want folks to feel at home, you know?

“It’s not big as far as yachts go,” he continued, and produced a picture of a sixty-five foot Sea Ray. He stared longingly at his newly departed love while putting up a brave front for me.

“Whatever.” I got down to business with my usual services-and-expenses spiel. He didn’t blink for a full ten seconds as he weighed my fee against the loss of his new toy. Finally he swallowed and gave me a brief nod. I smiled demurely at my new client.

“Do I call you Ms. Jones?”

“Mizz? Only if you’re tired of chewing with teeth. Vic will do nicely.”

“Mitch Goldberg. Pleased to meet you, I’m sure.” We shook hands. I could tell he was warming to me.

My Comments: 

First Things First: the Title

I’m assuming that the title, THE CASE OF THE MISSING YACHT, is simply a working title that will be changed down the road. It rings a tad old-school cozy. But kudos to our brave author for using a placeholder that is more original than UNTITLED.

Pacing and Characterization

I immediately liked the bright, breezy voice of the narrator. The scene flowed along at a lively pace. One nit: The character’s name, “Vic,” made me visualize a male narrator at the beginning of this page. I had to revise my mental image of the main character at the end, when I read the reference to “Miss.” I would suggest reworking the first few paragraphs to avoid creating potential confusion in the reader’s mind.

Avoid Throwing Readers into Full Stop

When a reader has to slow down in order to understand something, he may stop reading. Minor example: some people might not have the background to understand the reference to Saint Anthony as written here. The writer might want to consider adding a clarifying phrase to avoid leaving those readers in the dark. (Even if most of your readers know full well who Saint Anthony was, there’s always someone who doesn’t and has to figure it out from context. Like me).

Another area of potential confusion: I came to a Full Stop when I read the following sentence:

I reached over the desk and laid a stinger across that fat face of his.

I wasn’t sure what “stinger” meant (although I assume it meant a face-slap). In any case, having the character slap the visitor’s face struck me as reaching and a bit over the top.

A Note About the Dialogue 

I had a couple of issues with the flow of dialogue between the two characters in this scene. I had to backtrack when I hit the following lines, to figure out which character was speaking.

He spoke nonstop without taking a breath.

“You’re looking for a big boat, right?”

Because the dialogue is interjected after a reference to the yacht owner being a motormouth, I first assumed it was the guy who was speaking. Every time a reader has to pause to sort out confusion or wrong assumptions, there’s a risk of losing the reader’s interest in continuing reading.

For great tips about handling dialogue and other gnarly, craft-related issues, I recommend that the writer read DON’T MURDER YOUR MYSTERY by Chris Roerden.

A Bland Setup Causes Readers to Jump Ship

Overall, I wasn’t drawn in by the scenario presented on this first page, primarily because the setup wasn’t sufficiently intriguing or compelling. When Vic said “Whatever” in response to hearing about the yacht-owner’s plight, I found myself nodding in agreement. A rich bozo’s smallish yacht has disappeared: why should I care? There needs to be something more intriguing at stake to engage the reader’s interest; this first page needs to give a hint of what’s to come. Otherwise the reader, like Vic, will simply jump ship with a shrug and a “Whatever.”

Thank you to our brave writer for submitting this page. What comments can you add for the writer of THE CASE OF THE MISSING YACHT?

28 thoughts on “First Page Critique – What’s At Stake?

  1. I agree with Kathryn’s notes, especially about the slap. Really? A professional? That killed the scene for me. So did the line before, with her hectoring him about how he made a living. In a classic client-comes-to-the-office opening, you’ve got to make the reader feel like THEY would want this PI on their case. At this point, I wouldn’t.

    It’s tough to write a PI opening in a fresh way. The author has the right instinct in making the PI character herself “surprising.” But that needs to be tempered with the “would they really?” test. What I would advise is this:

    Give the client a name up top. As it is, I have a hard time believing he’s real. Give us his dialogue, don’t just TELL us he went on and on. You can have Vic interrupt from time to time, but make her try to understand his position. That’s what a pro does, if she wants to stay in business. It would give her a little bit of sympathy if she tried to actually help the guy.

    • I stopped reading after the third paragraph. The story was too confusing. A PI who slaps a client? No way. Sorry, but this author should rethink and start over.

    • It lost me when Vic slapped the potential customer. Before then I was only mildly irritated at “He went all indignant.” Any businessperson who behaves like this will not be in business longer than it takes to slap the first customer.

  2. I liked the voice in this sample right from the start. My problem was what the voice describes—unrealistic actions. I don’t know of any business person who would insult a potential client and then lay hands on them. That is an unrealistic scenario right up front, and would cause me to close the book and move on. As so many of us have said here so often, the reader needs to form an attachment to the protagonist as soon as possible. There’s nothing wrong with having a kick-ass, take-no-prisoners female lead. Just don’t make her unrealistic, and for me, unlikeable. The sample also needs line editing to get rid of such things as redundant dialogue tags: “I do make a decent living, young lady,” he went all indignant. “Take a seat.” I said, and noted his hesitancy. “Yacht,” he corrected me. “It’s not big as far as yachts go,” he continued.
    Thank you to this brave writer for submitting to TKZ first page critique. Good luck.

    • Good point to add about the dialogue tags, Joe. Again, I’d refer the writer to Roerden’s book for a handy list of specific Guidelines related to dialogue attribution.

  3. This piece strikes me as a parody. From the title (“The Case of”) to the description of the client (Mr. Double-Breasted with Cravat) to “working the mean streets” and Vic’s asides to the reader, everything is over the top. Could be fun in a short story, but it might be too much for me in a full-length novel.

    • I agree, it’s easy to step over the line from snarky humor into unintended parody. And if it IS a parody, the title needs to be funnier. Or at least, funny.

      Thanks for joining our discussion, Joyce!

  4. I agree with all your points, Kathryn. Good analysis. I was yanked out of it when I realized the narrator was a woman at “young lady.” At that late point, I was a bit irritated, I’ll admit.

    I liked the voice until she got overly hostile for no apparent reason. When a character becomes over-the-top snarky and looks down on people, I get immediately turned off. I don’t want to read a whole book being in that kind of character’s head. It makes me feel as if the character would never truly be in danger either because of their superior attitude.

    So for me, I wouldn’t keep reading this voice. The snark is too much without any real humor that’s not at someone else’s expense. Not my thing.

  5. This reads to me as homage that comes across as possibly unintentional parody.

    In addition to the above issues, I so instantly disliked the POV character that I can’t imagine I’d read on. I don’t make “likability” a make-or-break issue in my reading, but the author seemed to be bending over backwards to ensure that I’d want to … well, lay a stinger on this character. This character, in this voice, is not somebody to whom I want to give hours of my time. The tough-guy-trope voice seems strung way too tight and out of tune. Toughness works only with leavening tenderness, and that balance is not at all evident on this first page. Give that string a loosening twist and a truer tone.

  6. I had problems with the dialogue — it reads like a noir parody.
    This writer has promise, but she needs to develop her own voice. Also, the hostility to the rich client is over the top. PIs need rich clients to pay the rent.

    • Your comment conjured an image for me, Elaine. It might work to show Vic stifling her contempt for the guy after she catches a glimpse of the overdue utility bill sitting atop the In Box, something like that.

  7. I liked the voice, but I agree that there needs to be some self-deprecating humor mixed in with the snark, and perhaps not quite so full on noir. I would restructure the first paragraph. IMO the writer wants us to know what the door says, which is fine, but then the rest of the paragraph doesn’t work. I don’t know who St. Anthony is. Then meaningless busy work until the client walks in (was there an appt? Did he just barge right in?). What’s with all the semi-colons? “Gee, I was mildly impressed; until now I didn’t know anyone who owned a yacht.” would be better as “I was mildly impressed. I didn’t know anyone who owned a yacht.” “I cut off his monologue; I couldn’t stand it another second. ” Just say no to that semi-colon. If there are two in the first three paragraphs, how many more are lurking throughout the manuscript? I agree with everybody else. If a professional were that nasty to a client, including assaulting him, I expect said client would be out the door, especially one that would call her “young lady”. So what’s the connection between them? I’d like to see that. I liked the unexpected gender twist. Keep the voice, edit, and raise the stakes.

  8. Like Jim T., I took this as homage to perhaps Travis McGee/Sam Spade? Unlike most comments, though, I didn’t mind the surprise revelation that Vic was female. But, yes, way too unprofessional with swat and insults. The poor guy in the cravat didn’t do anything to earn her instant enmity. She almost comes across like a dominatrix interviewing a submissive.

    As JSB wisely counsels, this genre has been done so much, it requires real freshness to capture the reader.

    Take heart, brave writer. It’s tough to accept criticism, but these pros really know what they’re talking about. I learned a lot from their analysis of my first page some months ago. Consider their suggestions and go back to work. Your next draft will really show the difference. Don’t give up.

    • Perhaps she is a dominatrix and he is a submissive? Maybe that is why this client showed up at her door?

    • Thanks for adding an encouraging note, editor Debbie! I know from experience how brutal it can feel to put one’s work through a public critique. Several of the bloggers here have submitted first pages anonymously, and we’ve been raked over the coals like everyone else. Writing is an iterative process of write, rewrite, edit, repeat. Each version makes the end product better. Definitely this writer should keep going forward–there’s a nice voice and a natural sense of pacing in this work that shows promise.

  9. This is very funny. Over the top!
    The others have already thoroughly covered the critique, but I will add a little.
    I too, would have liked to have known the PI was female from early on.
    She is not good with customers. Did she become a PI because of a dare or the result of losing a poker game? She doesn’t act like a professional, real-life PI, since she is not. Interesting characters, both of them.

  10. I had a difficult time getting over the slap in the face. I sincerely doubt a business owner would treat a paying customer in that manner. I found the dialogue too flip. I stopped reading and only skimmed to the end.

  11. I agree with comments about how the portrayal of Vic paints her as rude, unlikeable, and unbelievable, and the potential client is shown to be too wimpy and overpowered by her.

    However, I would be receptive to Vic’s behavior if a good reason were given up front, such as: she knows and hates the guy because he’s been stalking her and this is just another way to stalk her, or he jilted her best friend, or she hasn’t slept in three days because she’s been searching for a missing child and this arrogant guy (he can’t be wimpy) offers double her fee to drop the other case and look for his yacht.

  12. I liked the snarky voice, but there needs to be a reason for the ‘stinger’ and a reason for cravat-man to stick around.

    I know it’s a cliche, but what if the (chauvinist) client assumed Vic was male, and then when he found out Vic was a female, openly doubted whether a woman was tough enough to do the job? The punch across the face could be a “this tough enough for you?” moment, and another chance for snarky dialogue? Yeah, it’s a little over the top….

    Maybe the client just has to put up with being insulted because of some undisclosed reason: insurance scam so they want an unreliable PI, or they stole it in the first place, or they’re trying to set Vic up for another crime (there’s a murder victim on the yacht).

    Or maybe they put with bad behaviour because they really are a wimp, who inherited the yacht, and losing it means being cut out of the family fortune…

    It was fun to read! Well done.

  13. If it’s parody, it doesn’t go far enough. If it’s NOT parody, it goes way too far. It reads like something written by a person who has read a few mysteries – or worse, seen too many on basic cable – and has an idea of the tropes but doesn’t understand how to make them work. The main character is unpleasant and unlikeable. It’s all kind of a mess.

  14. I’ll add that the client’s reaction to the slap is unbelievable. I think even the wimpiest of wimps would have more to say than “Perhaps another time.”

    As for the snarkiness, perhaps it would help if Vic was professional, or at least civil, to the client and turned the snarkier commentary internal. Much like most us do. But I would keep the “Mizz? Only if you’re tired of chewing with teeth. Vic will do nicely.” line in to show that the snarkiness leaks out when provoked.

    To clear up the gender confusion, the writer could just add that Vic is short for Victoria in the first paragraph and a tiny anecdote about how she was named after an ancestor who buried the family silver during the civil war to keep it safe, which was lost until it became her first find as a kid. Or something like that.

  15. His eyes went moist as uncertainty registered followed by a flash of terror. His hand covered the enforced blush spreading over his cheek. What do you think, too forward on our first encounter? He backed way and mumbled, “Perhaps another time.”

    A very unrealistic reaction upon being slapped/assaulted for no reason. This is too cartoonish for me. I would not read further. This is an interaction I would envision between Sponge Bob Square Pants and Squidward. It just doesn’t strike true as something that would happen between a business rep and a wealthy potential client.

  16. I hate to pile on, but this has been nagging at me all day. The main character’s reactions – slapping a stranger for “back talk” and threatening to punch the guy’s teeth out because he called because he called her “Ms.” isn’t a cute idiosyncrasy or a sign of a “tough cookie.” It’s sociopathic. This “detective” doesn’t need to find a yacht. She needs to find a good therapist, probably one who can prescribe mood elevators. The story could work in that regard, if it’s about a person whose severe personality disorders threaten not just her chosen career but her relationships. Because I suspect the author doesn’t see it that way, I wouldn’t finish reading the first page, let alone the book.

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  18. I’m with Kathryn on the breezy voice, I kind of like it. However, that can’t make up for a PI slapping a potential client (and what he said wasn’t really offensive!) nor can it make up for her lackadaisical attitude toward him. He’s there to give you money, for cryin’ out loud! Show a little respect! The things she says to him are far more offensive, and what there was of a story might have drawn me in if HE had slapped HER. But … I suspect the writer is going for a female Sam Spade and she imagines that’s how Spade would react.

    Also, I would eliminate the first paragraph and start with the second, for obvious reasons.

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