Setting things up

Today’s critique is for the first page of THE SET UP. My thoughts follow.

THE SET UP    

    While I wait in line to pass through airport security, I check my pockets.  Just my wallet, cell phone, and a ticket stub for the parking garage.  And the envelope.  No car keys.  No knife.  No gun.
    I left my girlfriend, Carly, in Vlad’s Lexus with her iPad and orders to put the windows down if she smokes.  Vlad is real particular about his car.
    A ticket to Philly is in my hand, but I’m not going on any airplane ride.  I just have it in case the TSA agent asks.  I do this kind of thing all the time, but a trickle of sweat runs down under my shirt collar and I flinch.
    They send me through the cattle gate, then wand me, and I grab the plastic tub with my stuff.  Except the envelope.  That’s still in my jacket pocket, damp with sweat.  They stop an old lady ahead of me and give her the choice of getting groped or getting radiation sickness.  She must be ninety.
    It’s almost eleven o’clock, and it’s tough getting around all the moms with baby strollers and the stressed-out business types.  I could use my size to push through, but I look at them and see the exhaustion on their faces and forget using my elbows and just walk.
    I find Gate D11 and slow down to look for the men’s room.  The setup is pretty standard.  You pick an airport and name a gate that’s inside security, that way both parties have to go unarmed.  Meet in the bathroom, make the exchange.  Simple.
    It’s a different Mexican every time, but we’ve done three trades with them so far and it’s gone fine.  I see a stubby guy with a shaved head pop up from his seat, but then he goes to the window and gets on his phone.  Not my guy.
    10:59.  I pat the envelope for the tenth time and go to the bathroom door.  There’s a folding yellow sign in front, with a picture of a guy slipping and falling.  I smile and go around it. 
    The bathroom is big and cold.  …

* * * 

My comments:

I was drawn in by this first page, after stumbling a bit on the title. (The noun version of “to set up” should be “setup” or “set-up”.) I like the narrator’s straightforward, present-tense voice. Present tense and first-person POV are tricky to handle, but this worked well for me.

I thought the idea of having crooks meet at the TSA-controlled airport was fresh.  I did wonder how the narrator had pulled this rendezvous off repeatedly, what with no-fly lists, and the fact that by now he must be on record for buying tickets he didn’t use. If nothing else, I’d think he’d be nervous about that aspect of it. He’s described as being generally nervous, but the more specific his fear, the better.


Overall, the setup of THE SET UP was handled efficiently and well. I did object to the use of generics (“Vlad” and “Mexican”) was too broad-brush for me, leading me to expect that I’m about to get a familiar Russian mafia vs. Mexican drug ring tale. I think it could use some compelling detail here to bring the reader more into the situation. 

I got confused by the action flow. On the first read-through, when I read “I see a stubby guy with a shaved head pop up from his seat,” I assumed the narrator was already in the bathroom, and the guy was popping out of a stall. Later I wondered why the author described the bathroom as “big and cold” when he’d already been in there for a while. I had to pause and reorient myself. By preceding action with “Meet in the bathroom, make the exchange,” you’ve already put the reader’s head in the bathroom. Don’t then backtrack to the gate area for the guy popping out of his seat.


I thought the tension fell off a bit in the last paragraph, probably because I was confused during the first read, and thought he was exiting from the bathroom. I had no idea why he would smile, since he hadn’t made the exchange. 

It should be an easy fix to focus the action so that readers won’t get confused by the  flow. I admit that I’m relatively easily thrown as a reader. Not everyone would trip over the issues that misled me, but you don’t want to lose any reader on the first page.


Was I the only one who got confused? Anyone else have anything to add?

10 thoughts on “Setting things up

  1. I stumbled over the same thing regarding stubby guy. That would be a simple fix of adding a line that he took a seat outside the men’s room nearest the gate.

    The harder fix would be how this guy gets boarding passes and tickets “all the time” without ever getting on a plane. To get by TSA, you have to bring a boarding pass, even if you print it at home. That’s what they check, along with your ID. Last minute ticket purchases are flagged too.

    If the author took out that reference that this exchange happened all the time, this intro woukd work. Merely meeting in a secure public facility would be sufficient, without the added complication of TSA & FAA & Homeland Security security measures. A weapon screened courthouse would work, for example–and add a bit of irony with that locale.

    I really liked the author’s voice & simple narration style that keeps the reader in the action with good pace. I’d definitely keep reading.

  2. I agree, Jordan. I have a feeling this gimmick would work only once, although maybe I’m being optimistic (on the side of law and order!).

  3. I have a real problem with first person present, but for a reason. I’ve played RPGs for many years and when I read first person present, it can sometimes feel like a gaming environment to me. Same with second person POV, ie, “You pick up the weapon and it glows.” I use the term “gamey” to indicate the feel of certain phrases. These throw me off quite a bit, though I like the premise of this beginning.

    “I see a stubby guy with a shaved head pop up from his seat.”

    This sounds too “gamey” because all you have to do to see what I mean is change the “I” to “You” and there’s text that could be straight out of a text-based RPG. How about, “A stubby guy with a shaved head pops up from his seat” instead? You don’t have to use “I see” at all. With first person, everything is assumed from the main character POV.

    “I find Gate D11 and slow down to look for the men’s room.”

    Same thing. How about, “Gate D11 is just ahead, so I look for the men’s room.

    Instead of using “I” with verbs which are sensory such as “see”, “hear”, “feel”, “smell”, etc. I like for it to be eliminated.

    Rather than “I see a blue bird resting in a tree.”

    I want to read “A blue bird rests in a tree.”

    Rather than “I hear the bird chirp.”

    I want to read “The bird chirps.”

    It could just be me and my quirky games though, so don’t take this as anything more than a personal thing with me. Does anyone else have this problem? Or is it a problem with me?

    I would keep reading. But, only until I come across, “I press the button and the secret door opens.”

  4. Diane’s comments are on point.

    What I’d like to add here is that I think there’s room for heightened suspense/ drama. I got that there was tension and nervousness early on. I was waiting for thing that made this drop different than the others, but it never got there.

  5. Diane, I’m such a Luddite, I don’t know what an RPG is–a video game? Ohmygod, I just got my first smart phone last week, and I’m still beating on the thing, trying to make things work, lol! Nate, I agree with your thoughts about hoping to see how this drop will be different. This is just the first page, but the more tension one can build in here, the better.

  6. Kathryn, you and I are in sync with this one. I had the same issues you raised. But I must admit, meeting in a secured area of an airport is an original scenario–at least I haven’t run across it before. Still not something you could do more than once or twice.

  7. Not a huge fan of first person/present, but it is the “thing” right now, along with shaky cam filming. It’s here and it’s popular, but when I ask someone who isn’t a write what they didn’t like about Hunger Games, they say the writing felt choppy and stilted.

    My prejudices laid bare, this was fun to read, but please take the RPG comments seriously.

    General thoughts about first person is to look for places to eliminate “I”. For example, the first line:

    While I wait in line to pass through airport security, I check my pockets.

    consider . . .

    Waiting in line to pass through airport security, I check my pockets.

    or something similar.

    “I find Gate D11 . . . “

    consider,

    At Gate D11 . . .

    and so on.

    The “I (verb)(noun)” is on the verge of becoming a meme because of the RPG aspect. Some friends were busting on it the other day on FB.

    However, that’s all polishing. This is cool. I agree, the security thing could get people thinking about airports instead of your story. But, a simple fix. Instead of “You pick an airport . . .,” it could be “You pick a secure location like an airport or courthouse . . . “

    Awesome job.

    Terri

  8. Thanks to Kathryn for the critique, and to everyone who posted comments. I appreciate you taking the time to help a fellow writer.

    I’ll take a close look at the clarity issue and other factors, and get this opener squared away.

    Thanks everyone,
    — author of The Set Up

  9. Thanks for letting us enjoy it, Anon! Keep going, you’re off to a good start here.

    Diane, I’m adding RPG to my lexicon. I have to admit the first thing that occurred to me was rocket-propelled grenade!

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