John Ramsey Miller
How can he be “more” stunned if he was sleeping and we didn’t see him stunned the first time? I might do something like this, “It was dark, but no darker than it had been on other occasions in the dead of night. Thank God the porch light was on and illuminating the bedroom (?) through a curtain redly. THE CLOCK!!! Dear Lord is that the time???” Or not.
So in reading this I’m not at all sure if it is dark or light? Is he is in bed or hanging from the ceiling? So… how does Max know what time it is? Wouldn’t the clock light the room somewhat? Or did the mad hatter tell him what time it is? How does he move without lifting his feet? When did he get out of bed? Did he leave the bed or is he astro-traveling? He is looking out of windows without getting out of bed! Is the driveway empty?
Okay, author. First of all, put yourself in Max’s house and maybe even in his bedroom. Imagine what is happening and what the reader is seeing, as you tell the story and slow down. Allow Max to actually do things as he goes from point A to… well you get the drift. Here is Max and this is what he’d doing. Don’t jump from his mind to the voice at the door. Is this about Max’s insanity? Or is everybody else is insane? Is this about Pod people? Would I read deeper into this? Of course I would. It’s hilarious. It isn’t very good, but I think it could be if it is fully thought through before being committed to paper.
For God’s sake go back and try again. And then you may have to try again after that. This can take years and hard work. This is a tough line of work and the righter you do it, the harder it is. Think hard before you write. Remember: if this is easy you are doing it wrong. “See” what you are saying. Don’t write what you have not seen like it actually happened. Tell me what you are seeing and feeling and smelling and tasting. Put me there. You may know what Max is thinking, feeling, doing, but I have to know what you know and see what you are seeing. Otherwise you are just playing at lining up words. I got nothing from reading this opening that I’m curious enough about to justify investing more time.
When I write, I am almost telling myself a story and typing it as I go. But I only write after I have thought all the way around and through the scene. In my opinion (and that is all it is) this piece is more sloppy scribbling than storytelling.
So go back at it and don’t quit if you know you can do better. If you don’t think you can, then get out now.
Please, for Christ’s sake… take the narration away from Max before he hurts someone and give it to his sister… At least she’s safely outside the house.