Dahlia felt rough cotton beneath her fingertips. She clenched her fist, wadding the sheet in her hand. Took a deep breath of cold air and caught the scent of ammonia.
And the smell of something else. Something thick and coppery.
Dahlia opened her eyes and stared up at a gray rectangle of pebbled plastic–a fluorescent ceiling panel. Unlit. She brushed her hair out of her eyes. Her face felt greasy.
In the next scene, I’m really expecting Woody Harrelson to burst through the door with his shotgun blasting, Zombieland revisited. And before you ask – YES, I did see the movie. Bill Murray was the best part.
What I liked from this excerpt:
The author does a fine job of using all the reader’s senses and “shows” some of Dahlia’s feelings through her actions and reactions, rather than “telling” the reader. And by keeping the sentences relatively short, the focus is on the suspenseful build up. Also, the metaphoric description of celery really grossed me out, but it also described the scene in a way that brought it home for me, without more graphic wording.
Areas for possible improvement:
This is a great framework to start, but in my opinion and my personal reading taste, I would like to see more “meat on the bones,” pun intended. I want to know what is really in her head as the scene unfolds. The author does a fine job of describing the setting, almost like doing an inventory, but until Dahlia is really made human for the reader by giving her an opinion and “voice,” the reader doesn’t feel as connected as they could be to her plight. More of her needs to be layered into this scene to make her more human. And here are a few ways to do that.
Questions for Dahlia – Rather than me saying what I would do, I like to ask questions for the author to answer for Dahlia if they choose. And by infusing these answers into the story, you can see how this might add the layering of other emotions or senses into this section of the book. This is not an invitation for backstory. Stick with the action of the scene, but choose your words carefully and frugally to keep the pacing.
I once wrote a scene where the reader was in the head of a guy getting his throat cut. He was an assassin and deserved his fate, but he was hunted in the dark by men more cruel. At the beginning of that scene, I had him thinking one more job would allow him to retire to a beach. He was smelling coconut oil as he entered the warehouse to meet a new client, when he should have been more guarded. He wasn’t used to being prey. But instead of graphically describing the scene as if I was a third party looking on, I wondered if he would go into shock like a rabbit does in the jaws of a wolf. So after his throat was cut, his mind drifted to the beach. And as he drowned in his own blood, he was under the waves trying to swim for the surface and just misses it. I chose that way to describe it so the reader was spared the graphic violence and I also tied in the assassin’s ego being his downfall.
In a similar manner, Dahlia could sense or hear something that the author continues to the end reveal, tying the scene together a little more too. The reader needs to see this scene from inside Dahlia’s head. And wrapped in her brain are all her life’s experiences that her opinions filter through. The reader needs to get a glimpse of this in order for her to be more real for them. As the scene is written, she is only a prop to the monster. Nothing is really known about her.
Overuse of name – Dahlia’s name is overused, in my opinion. It makes the writing sound stilted and formal. She is the only woman in the scene. The name of Dahlia is stated NINE times in this short intro, when “she” would suffice for most of them. Consider using her name at the beginning and end of this scene, with “she” used in between. And why not use her full name at the beginning? Does she have a last name? Even a throw away character can benefit from a last name. That can humanize her for the reader.
Words that Threw Me Out – Also, the door “stood shut” and “quivering organs lay revealed” took me out of the story. A door is shut or closed, but we assume it is standing and is not on the floor. And the “lay revealed” is too stilted and formal and passive, compared to the other vivid descriptions. I’m not sure the old guy who is serving as an appetizer would be awake and asking for help the way he is, with his ribs cracked open like a smorgasbord, but I’d still like to see what Dahlia thinks of what she sees.
Conclusion – In order for an author to completely get into the head of a character, even a secondary one or a victim, the writing should be layered with the inner emotions, life experiences, and opinions of that character. This is their motivation. Editors often use the term TSTL, which means a character is “too stupid to live” like the babysitter who answers the door in the middle of the night in a slasher flick. Even if Dahlia is a victim, she needs some history to make the reader care more about her and she needs enough smarts to do everything she can to defend herself. By adding the right depth to this scene, the reader will care whether she gets away, and be less grossed out by the graphic violence. Editors will be looking for this. Writing is about stirring all the emotions, not just fear.
Ok- Jordan said everything well and I think the #1 thing that kept knocking me upside the head was her name constantly coming up. I found myself substituting “she” just to not bounce out. And the list of questions Jordan gave is a gold mine,it makes me want to go back and double check my current scenes. Jordan does great scenes- on her website she gives an example of how and why and then she gives you a scene of hers…When I grow up I want to write scenes like that. And now I know even more of what she is thinking.
Thanks for the piece- I am intrigued enough to be more curious and I learned a lot and have many new things to consider myself. Thanks author and Jordan! Awesome.
What Jordan said.
Hey Chaco Kid–Thanks for your comment. And I’m glad you got something from this exercise. I thought this was an excellent framework from which to start.”Filling in” is easier when you have a good frame to start.
On my website, my FOR WRITERS page, I have an article called Start with a Bang. The section on Free Association and Building an Onion from the Inside Out is a summary of how I taught myself to write scenes. I never thought about it much until an author friend asked me how I do it. When I had to figure that out, I posted it for anyone to read, hoping it would help. And the example of the Quonset hut came from a contest entry I judged, my feedback comments.
The free association thing can be a lot of fun. People have emailed me about lines I have written that cracked them up and I honestly don’t remember writing them. I’m so into the head of my character that it feels like THEY wrote it (only I get the royalty). Weird, I know.
Good morning, Joe. I neeeeeed coffee.
Asking open ended questions is my critique method. Rather than suggesting wording or character motivation, the open ended question allows the author to come up with their own resolution without my interference. And in EVERY case I’ve done this, the author always surprises me with something better.
I agree that we absolutely need to know something about Dahlia on the first page. As Jordan said, it doesn’t need to be much, but enough to get the reader more interested in her and her situation.
Jordan, I really like the open question critique method and agree with your comments.
Thanks Joe, Kathryn and Clare. It’s reassuring to hear you agree when I’ve been winging it.
Jordan, thank you for taking the time to write a detailed critique of page 1 of Dead Girl. I appreciate your making concrete suggestions. I took careful notes and will work to improve my manuscript.
And thank you to everyone else who left comments.
Hey LC–great job with this entry. When they sent me your work, I thought they had hand picked it for me. You have a solid style that only needs filling in. I like your less is more style. Best wishes to you.