Bad Guy Boot Camp

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By John Gilstrap
Good morning, everyone. Welcome to Bad Guy Boot Camp. Please take your seats so we can get started. Yes, it’s good to see you, too, Dr. Lecter. What’s that? Oh, no thanks. While your snack looks delicious, I’m still full from breakfast.

Um, Mr. Morgan? Dexter? Please don’t sit so close to Dr. Lecter. Okay, I’m pleased that you’d like to get to know him better, but you can do that after the session. The lounge downstairs has a very nice wine list. I recommend the Chianti.

Let’s get right to it, shall we? I think I speak for all of us when I say that I’m sick and tired of the good guys getting all the credit in fiction. Without us, all those stories would be pretty darned boring and I think that . . .

Um, Mr. Dolarhyde, please turn off the camera. We don’t allow filming of these sessions, and I believe you know why. Thank you.

As I was saying, I think it’s about time that we started taking more pride in our work. For me, it’s about craftsmanship and respect. For example—and please take no offense—several of you were taken down by a quadriplegic detective. I mean, really. That’s embarrassing. Yes, we all know that it’s the hot chick doing all the leg work (no pun intended), but the quad is the headline, and that makes us all look bad.

Let’s start at the beginning. If you’re going to be a bad guy, be a freaking bad guy. Do your crimes, get them over with, and quit making it so easy for the good guys. If we frustrate those detectives enough, they’ll quit being so glib.

Let’s start with you serial killers. I know you’re crazy and all, but try to stay focused on the goal here: sexual gratification through unspeakable mutilation. Everything else is secondary. You’ve got to quit it with the notes and clues. I know that for some of you, the creative process requires spewing DNA, and I suppose you gotta do what you gotta do, but how about leaving that as your only direct pathway to arrest? It’s about risk management. In a perfect world, you should keep all your body juices to yourself, but for heaven’s sake, do without the notes and the videos.

And here’s a suggestion for everyone: Stay out of Miami, Vegas and New York. They’ve got CSI teams there that are unlike any I’ve ever seen. As some of you know all too well, they’ve got a hundred percent catch ratio, and the average time from incident to arrest is only an hour. Really, an hour. I recommend keeping to the heartland, where all the local police are incompetent and depend exclusively on the FBI or on passing private investigators to get anything done.

Any questions? Okay, great.

Let’s move on to marksmanship and gunplay. Folks, as a group, we really need to sign up for some NRA courses to learn how to shoot. I notice a trend developing in which you’re very accurate at the beginning of your crime spree, but then something happens once the star sleuths get involved. Folks, you’ve got to settle down and shoot straight. When you whiff the shot and hit within inches of your target—and we do that a lot—we end up alerting the good guys to our presence, and we lose our advantage.

Look, the odds are already stacked against us as it is. The good guys are on the opposite talent trajectory from us. They tend to whiff their shots the first time we run into them, but then get better toward the end of our relationship. Many of them have weapons that never need reloading, cell phones that operate everywhere, all the time, and an uncanny ability to fight on even while critically wounded. We need to close the deal on these folks the first time we see them.

Here’s the key: When in doubt, shoot. If the moment comes when you’re muzzle to muzzle with the good guy, don’t negotiate, shoot. Why do you care if he drops his gun? You’re a bad guy. Act like one. Just pop him. Same goes when you have the good guy captured and immobilized. Why are you tying him up to begin with?

Sorry, Dexter, that doesn’t apply to you, but unlike most of the others in the room, though, you put the ropes and knots to good use. The rest of you use that opportunity to chat. For crying out loud, quit doing that! Let the SOB go to his grave wondering why you’re doing what you’re doing. That can all be part of the torture.

Yes, Dr. Moriarty, you have a question?

Actually, I’m not sure I agree that murders have become less civilized over the years. You should bring that up with Lizzie Borden during her lunchtime keynote this afternoon . . .

21 thoughts on “Bad Guy Boot Camp”

  4. “I recommend keeping to the heartland, where all the local police are incompetent and depend exclusively on the FBI or on passing private investigators to get anything done.”

    Except Minneapolis, because there’s way too many of you guys there anyway, and you all get busted by some guy named Davenport. And usually killed in the process, which saves considerably on court costs.

  5. Excellent blog post. This kept me entertained and showed me something of how you write. I’m immediately going to buy one of your books to keep reading more.

  8. Funny post. I roll my eyes when I view (or read) the villain and the hero staring at each other with guns pointed. Or the villain coming up behind the hero and, instead of shooting, launching into a diatribe. Very unrealistic.

  9. HAHAHAHA!

    Loved the post.

    Have you and the other Kill Zoners read the Evil Overlord list? It’s a hoot and in exactly the same way as this post.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Evil_Overlord_List

    From Wikipedia: Several popular lists [exist] of planned actions for a competent Evil Overlord to avoid the well-known, cliché blunders committed by supervillains in popular fictional works, typically explained in a comical fashion. The lists were compiled by science fiction fans over a number of years, and copies of the list that can be found on the Internet vary in number and order of entries.

  12. Uh….sir? Professor Gilstrap?

    yes young man

    Can I change my seat?

    Why?

    Penguin keep’s cackling and going ‘Nyaaa! Nyaaa!’ and it is giving me a headache. And Goldfinger keeps doing Dr. Evil immitations.

    sorry, but the house is full.

    If Goldfinger touches me again I’m going set off my non-self-immolating-death-for-everyone-elseinator.

    uh…just who are you again?

    Oh…I’m Lasib, Chief Henchman for S.T.E.N.C.H. (Society for the Total Extermination of Non-Conforming Humans)

    …thanks for asking.

  13. Victoria, I’ve just appointed you as a preferred blog reader. When you buy my book, you get to sit in the comfortable chair in the front of the room whenever you want it. Thanks.

    BK, Joe, Lydia, Alan and Miller, thanks for the nice words.

    Mark, you raise a very interesting point. There do seem to be all kinds of Prey in Minneapolis.

    Daniel, my son’s roommate in college had a huge poster of his Evil Overlord reminders. They’re hysterical.

    Basil, have you considered opening up your mind as an amusement park ride? 🙂

  14. Mr. Gilstrap, I love how you’ve done written this. I’ve always thought the same things that you’ve shown here. But I have to say, I don’t think you can truly call Dexter a bad guy. Sure killing people is not a good quality to have but plenty of good guys kill people. The first example that comes to mind is Rambo. Yes, he’s a serial killer, but he only kills bad guys, and the times that he does kill an innocent, he tortures himself with grief and guilt. He has true feelings about his family and even lives by a moral code that his father gave to him. So, I would not say that he is a bad guy but more like an anti-hero. I know that this is not your point, but I felt I should discuss this a little.

  15. Genius, John. And Allen, Dexter is clearly only attending to find future targets. He’s the mole in the room.

    My addition:

    When dealing with an “amateur sleuth,” please bear in mind that these morons have decided that independent of law enforcement, with absolutely no training in investigation and/or weaponry, they will defeat you. Trying to reason with them, or to intimidate them, never works- it only reinforces their delusion.
    Dispatch of them quickly and quietly. They’ll never know what hit them.

  18. This post reminds me of the book “How to be a Villain.” My kids bought it for me for Christmas one year and it was a hoot. Might be fun for other writers.

    CJ

  20. Made my day! Thanks John.

    Funny, my word verification was “OUTRUN.” I guess that’s what I better do if Dr. Lecter is on the loose. 🙂 Better put my Keds on.

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