When my book, UPSIDE DOWN was nominated for the first ITW Award in Phoenix, John Gilstrap was seated at my table, along with our agent, Anne Hawkins. I wish I could be seated at his table tonight. As I wrote him, I feel like Robert DeNiro in WISE GUYS when he was waiting in that diner to talk to Joe Peschi just after he became a “made” man. My fingers are crossed for Gilstrap’s NO MERCY winning an ITW award tonight.
And now to the first page, a resubmission of an earlier first page, which was critiqued a few weeks ago:
THE BULLET’S NAME
Boone, NC 1937
Jasper Green was in the middle of a sentence when, from beneath the thin plywood table, the heavy Colt in Jack Longbow’s hand responded to the positive pressure on its trigger sending a forty-five caliber hardball erupting through the surface of the table, exploding the bottle of whiskey, and entering just below Green’s lip, painting the pine-board wall behind him with his brains.
A split-second after the gun’s slide cycled another round into the chamber, Longbow spun in his chair and swept the room, ready to pull the trigger if Green had backup.
Longbow stopped the gun’s motion at the bartender and measured the threat the negress represented. Eyes wide open, her small hands flying into the air with fingers spread, she responded to the weapon’s unblinking eye by urinating on the floor.
Behind Longbow, Green’s gun, no longer being gripped by a living hand, was taken by gravity to the floor.
The corpse farted.
Longbow swung the gun and almost shot it through its still heart.
As though propelled by the issuing gas, Green toppled onto the floor, the open wounds dribbling a crimson molasses.
With his left hand Longbow lifted his Panama from the table by its crown and inspected it for blood spatter before perching it atop his head. Springing the safety up, Longbow slipped the auto into its holster under the seersucker jacket.
Thoughts?
That first sentence is long and took me a couple of readings. Because it starts with a name, Jasper Green, I immediately think (as readers will) that this is the POV character. But then it switches to Jack, so I got confused. One simple solution is not to name Jasper, but call him “The guy” “The [vocation]” or “The [characterization, e.g. cheater]” or someting without the name. That way, we know he isn’t the POV. It can come out later that Jack knew him.
I like the “slo-mo” effect of describing little things here, so the action is given a proper feel. Reminded me of an old post on the rendering of action in a stylized way for effect. That post can be found here.
I would definitely keep reading.
Shared difficulty with first sentence. Perhaps natural break after hardball. May make for two sentences of greater impact than the one long(not sure that ‘thin plywood’ contributes).
Pictured bartender behind bar and clothed. Had some hitch in figuring how it would be instantly evident that she had urinated (very much like the notion and its dramatic impact).
Real weeny thought but “the next” bullet rather than “another” might fit with the excellent anticipatory tension of the scene.
Is there any simple short way(word or two) to give some feel of Jasper. I’m hoping he is a jerk.
Nice scene, excellent action and drawing out of time enhancing suspense and feel. I would read more. crimson molasses – nice!
First sentence is run-on. Second sentence is awkward. Third sentence is weak and BTW, who’s the negress?
I assume the negress is the bartender, and if you are wearing a dress the pee hits the floor. I tend to agree that it needs some editing. Not bad for a clean-up if you recall the original had a long description of the guy walking into the roadhouse…
Thoughts? Unless this is meant as a belated April Fool’s joke, this whole passage is overwritten. The first sentence is just one long chain of events that’s hard to wrap one’s mind around. Besides which, plastering someone’s brains on the wall before we know why we should care is not a good idea. There’s a bit of head hopping here as we begin to think that we’re following Jasper Green, but then we realize that we can’t because he’s dead and it’s actually Longbow that we’re following.
In the third paragraph, the action seems to be on Longbow, but then it switches. My first thought was that Longbow was a woman, but it confused me because it appeared that Longbow was the one staring at “the weapon’s unblinking eye.” Looking back, I see that Longbow is a guy. I would drop the part about the bartender urinating on the floor. Having the bartender raise her hands without being told is an indication that she is in control of her emotions, but urinating on the floor seems to show the opposite.
Not to mention that referring to such things as “urinating on the floor” and the “corpse farted” is quite juvenile. Children like to talk about those things because they think they’re funny, but adults don’t typically include those bits of information when relaying a story out of respect for the people involved. We’re free to say it about ourselves if we have that experience, but if we were in a convenience store when a gunman came in we wouldn’t say, “The clerk was so nervous he urinated on himself.”
And we have this sentence, “Behind Longbow, Green’s gun, no longer being gripped by a living hand, was taken by gravity to the floor.” There’s a word for “taken by gravity.” Fell is a perfectly good verb. And we know the hand is dead. “Behind Longbow, Green’s gun fell to the floor,” would be easier to read.
I’ll thow out some of my thoughts, not that my opinion means (or should mean) anything. I’m certainly no critic or authority. The description is graphic, creates a great picture, but you might need to kill off a few of your darlings. I did get it 1st time through & it sounds like something I’d like to read.
Okay – so here goes……
The heavy Colt in Jack Longbow’s hand responded to the positive pressure on its trigger sending a forty-five caliber hardball erupting from beneath the surface of the table, exploding through the bottle of whiskey (geez – hope it wasn’t Irish – what a waste of tasty Bushmills) before entering below Jasper Green’s lip, blowing through the base of his skull to leave the pine-board wall behind painted with brains. A split-second after the gun’s slide cycled another round into the chamber, Longbow spun in his chair, sweeping the room, ready to wipe out Green’s backup. Longbow halted the gun’s motion, training his sites on the bartender and measured the threat she represented. Eyes wide open, her small hands flew into the air with fingers spread, before she urinated on the floor. Green’s gun, no longer gripped by a living hand, clattered to the saloon’s deck. The corpse farted, and as though propelled by the issuing gas, Green toppled onto the floor, the open wounds dribbling a crimson molasses.
With his left hand Longbow lifted his Panama from the table by its crown, and inspected it for blood spatter before perching it atop his head. Springing the safety up, Longbow slipped the revolver into its holster and moved toward the exit.
Finally –
The term negress – don’t think I would use it. Doesn’t add to the story since it’s not part of ‘1937 dialogue’. I’d also question: In that depression era, especially in the south, would it be realistic to assume that an African American woman would be a bartender? Bar Owner / bartender would seem to be one in the same during those days. Not sure (also not saying you’re incorrect).
Hope you’re not waiting in a phone booth for the award report. Good luck to John Gilstrap – Just read No Mercy & can see why it was nominated.
Dave
Tough crowd today…..
We like critiques when they are this on spot. I am in a phone booth.
Jax Pop- Negress did throw me off for the reasons you mentioned.
Timothy- some good point IMO though i’m not sure i agree with limitations on what would or would not be commented on dependent if it was ourselves or someone else. If i was a witness to a crime and an individual was so terrifed that they pissed themselves i might very well mention it. in writing I feel it would certainly not be inappropriate. Just an opinion.
As an act of self-indulgence/ writng exercise i revised the first two paragraphs as follows ….
The man who had ruined Jack Longbow’s life was in the middle of a sentence, almost certainly a lie, when the heavy Colt handgun beneath the table kicked. Jack’s hand bucked as the 45 caliber slug of lead payback erupted through the table, exploded the bottle of Irish whiskey and entered the man’s rat-like face before he could complete his lie. The bullet passed though his scraggly mustache, snapped off his front teeth and tumbled through his sinuses before shearing his brainstem. The source of Jack’s misery was dead before the fragmented and misshapen slug exited the back of his head painting the wall with gore.
The gun’s slide snap cycled the next bullet into play as Jack spun and crouched ready to finish any who objected to the work of his first cartridge.
***was not constrained by the needs of the story.
Thanks for your indulgence. Was fun.
A bit off topic, but DeNiro and Pesci weren’t actually in Wise Guys. You were probably thinking of Goodfellas.
Your revised two paragraphs are quite better… if some random guy’s opinion means anything.