By Joe Moore
I had an author approach me at ThrillerFest to say how much he enjoyed visiting and reading TKZ. He also asked if I would post the first page of his WIP for a Kill Zone critique. So here we go.
“Oh God.”
I stood for a moment in shock not only from the horrific scene, but the fact that I had verbally reacted. I never express my thoughts in words, but what I saw would crack the resolve of even the strongest individual.
My usual response is to smile and say nothing, or more likely, release a torrent of smartass comments. I guess I use humor to release the pressure of stressful of situations, but in this case I couldn’t think of anything even the slightest bit ironic, or remotely funny.
I felt the bile rising in my throat, and grit my teeth to maintain some measure of composure. I knew I should call for help, but when I pressed the transmit button on my shoulder mounted microphone, the words wouldn’t come out. It was as if I couldn’t force air through my vocal cords. I swallowed hard and shoved my emotions as far as I could below the surface, but it didn’t help and my vision blurred as mist began to form in the corner of my eyes.
I hadn’t actually expected a body to be here. The last few calls like this had been mistaken identity. Some moron saw a pile of clothes next to a dumpster and assumed it was a dead body. I had no reason to think that this situation would be any different, but when I turned the corner to the address given to me by the police dispatcher, there was the bloody mess. Instead of seeing a homeless person sipping on a bottle of cheap wine, there was a body with an ear to ear gash across her throat.
Along the edge of the cut, a stain of blood traveled down the front, and left dark streaks on her once tan blouse. On the ground, the twin headlight beams of my cruiser sparkled off the surface of pools of blood on each side of her. Since the blood hadn’t yet dried, that meant one thing, this had just happened.
The first thing I would do is delete everything after “Oh God.” down to the paragraph that starts with “I hadn’t actually expected a body . . .” All the stuff about how the cop normally reacts is unimportant. What we want to know is how he reacts now. We can learn all the other info later if it’s really important.
I would have liked to read the cop’s radio chatter inserted right after the “Oh God” reporting the discovery of a body. If he believes the murder was just committed, shouldn’t he approach with gun drawn in case the killer is still there? Shouldn’t he call for backup?
This piece starts off a bit too soft for me. Raise the excitement with dialog, actions, reactions. Those elements will tell us so much more about the character than exposition. Let him tell the dispatcher that this one is REAL, not one of the previous false alarms. It may be routine for a cop to discover a murder victim, but it’s not for the reader. Outside of a funeral home, most people have never even seen a dead body. Pull the reader into the scene and explain the inner thoughts later. Overall, this first page needs a shot of literary adrenalin but I’d be interested in reading on a few more pages.
What do you think? Is opening with the discovery of a dead body unique or cliché? Would you like to see more action and reaction? Would you read on?
First person POV is hard to pull off. I’d say too much too fast, and I agree I’d cut most of this to the bone.
Most people who make smart ass comments all the time (and are not characters in private eye novels or stand-up comics) don’t think about the fact that they are constant smart-asses.
I found the body with an ear to ear gash across her throat. My hand trembled, fumbling to draw my weapon.
Then some scene description minus the emotion. Establishing the fact that the protag is generally a smartass is something to show through the story – rather than state as part of the opening. Also a bit contradictory – ‘never express thoughts in words’ or ‘release a torrent of smartass comments’ – Which is it?
Also think the 1st reaction after the discovery would be an immediate move toward self preservation. A fresh body, wet blood, dark alley – killer is probably nearby.
It’s good to start off with a bang – but finding bodies in paragraph one is becoming ho-hum. Why not start with action – or even dialogue to describe the ‘find’ (radio chatter as Joe suggests)?
Would I read on? I dunno.
So much of this first page seems to be about a guy standing around and thinking about thinking. It does begin with a “disturbance” as James Scott Bell keeps saying we need, so I’ll give him points for that. If the boring paragraphs were removed, I figure I would keep reading for a little while, but not because I’m particularly interested in what’s going on with this corpse. I can’t tell at this point whether I like the cop or not and crime may just be someone looking for money to buy drugs. There’s nothing here that tells me I need to stay around to figure out what’s going on.
I think I would suggest cutting the “I hadn’t actually expected a body to be here” paragraph as well. The writer indulges in what I’ve taken to calling rationalizing. The writer rationalizes the surprised reaction of the police officer through the use of backstory. If that information is relevant to the story, why not make it part of the action by putting it in his dialog? The writer could begin the page with the guy saying, “Yeah, it looks like it’s just another false alarm.” Then show him discovering the body. But we don’t really need to know why he reacts the way he does, just how he reacts. Even if he said, “Whoopee! I found a dead one!” we wouldn’t have to know why he reacted this way, but it would tell us a lot about who this guy is.
Is this cop a rookie or a veteran? Is he in a city or a small town? I ask not because we need to know these things up front as readers, but as the writer it will determine how the cop reacts. I have policemen up and down my family tree. Seeing a dead body (unless it’s a child) really isn’t that big a deal once you’ve been through it. Between fires, car accidents, natural causes, hit-and-runs, and shootings, cops see their fair share of dead folks. I think if this cop’s a veteran on the force (espeically in a big city) procedure would just kick in versus reaction to the killing. He has to call it in and begin to preserve the crime scene. Wouldn’t hurt of the killer is still in the alley, watching everything take place…and then the action begins.
Is it cliché? Sure.
Is it a reasonable way to open? I think so.
What I liked in this piece is the introspection to a point, but even I have to admit it was a little long before we knew what happened – who and what the MC is.
I think there are two main issues:
1) At its current rate, it almost has a cozy, leisurely pace. If this is intended as a literary crime novel focused on introspection, then I still think rearranging so at least the MC’s job and the body are close to the beginning so it’s sets the stage better. Otherwise, get to the goods.
2) I agree with Mathew’s assessment. For my WIP I needed a little (though in my case, not allot) of research on cop reactions to dead bodies – both ones they happen on and ones they’ve created. I’d have to say either the author is trying to MAKE the reader understand his justified reaction, or this is a rookie’s first dead body (which probably means he should be riding with a partner).
I’d certainly give it another few pages before putting the book back on the shelf.
Thanks to everyone for chiming in on this critique. I’m sure the author appreciates it and I think he now has some solid suggestions on how to improve the sample.
I’ve read far, far worse.
Hell, I’ve written worse.
The one comment I’ll make is for anyone using first person, which can be great if the voice is distinctive (mainly that’s a question of attitude. Think Philip Marlowe, Stephanie Plum, Holden Caulfield). The big temptation is for the narrator to “tell” a lot, what he’s thinking, what he’s feeling, what his background is. As has been intimated here, concentrate on action up front. Later, after the story is cooking, the narrator can tell us more. But always watch those sections closely. If the voice and attitude are there, it can work. John D. MacDonald used to have Travis McGee riff on life every now and then, but only after the action was well established.
Mr Miller commented twice – is that allowed?
JaxPop, Colonel Miller is old and forgetful. Please forgive him.