John Ramsey Miller

I’ve been censusing for six weeks and I’ve about used up all the Census form non-compliers in two counties. Saying good-by to my team was very much like the day I left summer camp in the early sixties. The job is over and during it I have only written this blog and little else. I am going to go back at writing with a cold vengeance and I’m not going to stop for a long time.

Because I can pretty much write whatever I like here, I am going to relate an incident and because of John Gilstrap’s blog I’m going to ask you to guess if it is reality filtered through my memory, part fictional, or full-blown bullsh*t.

Over the past few weeks I’ve been spending sometimes 10 hours a day knocking on doors of people I don’t know. Because I was working in my own community the first several weeks, I had on my list the name of someone I know very well. So instead of visiting the house right off, I called him on the phone. Now this person is a good friend of mine so I borrowed a cell phone because he had my number in his phone and he’d know it was me. The conversation went something almost exactly like this:

I dial…

“Hello?”
“Yes, this is Special Enumerating Census Agent Lamar D.Smithe with the United States Census Non-Compliance Division in Washington DC. Is this 221 Farm Pond Lane ? A Mr. A. B. Sedgewick?”
“It is.”
“Do you have a problem if I record this interview.”
“Why are you recording this interview?”
“I am recording this conversation in case I deem that further action is to be taken.We understand that you stated to certain people that you didn’t fill out your census form. “
“I sent in my form the same day I received it.”
“But you didn’t fill it out before you mailed it?”
“Of course I did. Why would I send it in blank?”
“We got tens of thousands of blank EQ forms from people whose pens were out of ink and like that, but mostly for various anti-governmental reasonings too numerous to list. Well, if you had put the intel we requested ––because it is a Federal offense not to comply––why I would be calling you? I assure you I do not call people at random.”
“Maybe it got lost in the mail.”
“Are you implying misfeasance on the part of the USPS? Is that what you are implying?”
“I have never told anybody that I would not send in my form. How can I clear this up?”
“You can comply now over the phone. Doing so and answering the few questions will arrest the investigation and any prosecution forthwith.”
“Okay.”
“These questions are non-invasive and the same laws that protect your privacy mean that failure to answer them truthfully results in a fine of up to two-hundred- and-fifty thousand dollars and/or imprisonment of five years. Do you swear hereby to tell the truth to this officer knowing as I have stated that lying to a sworn Federal agent in pursuit of his duty is a felony?”
“I knew lying to an FBI agent is a crime.”
“But you can lie to a census agent because we are less important? We can arrest and that as well and cross state lines. Were you living in your residence as of April 1, 2010?”
“Yes.”
“Were you alone or were there other residents in the abode at that particular time?”
“Just my wife and I.”
“Names, please. First name last, middle name and last name first.”
(He gives the names, last first and first last with middle initials)
“I see And what about the names of your three children?”
“We don’t have any children.”
“Not living in your home, you mean.”
“We don’t have any children living in any home.”
“Do you have any other homes?”
“No.”
“Any barns?”
“Barns?”
“Somebody may have been residing in your barn on April first, if you have one.”
“I don’t.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
“Our records indicate a barn on your property. A blue barn with an air conditioner mounted in the wall. I’m looking at the satellite image right now. And what appears to be a Golden Retriever in the yard with a red collar.”
“I don’t have a barn. Who did you say you were?”
“That’s something we can rediscuss after I’ve cleared you …or not.”
“If you are who you say you are, why is your number a local cellular number?”
“Do you occasionally look at pornography on the internet?”
“Who is this?”
“Just answer my questions, sir.”
“I believe all I have to give the census is the number of people who live in my house, ages and sexes.”
“So now you want to tell me about the sexual materials you look at on the net.”
“Okay. So what is your name and badge number?”
“Enumeration Special Agent Buddy Blivins Badge 666213-7-11 ha. “
“Who the hell is this?”
“We’ve already established that to my satisfaction, Sir. On what date did you lose your virginity? By date I don’t mean first date or second. I need the actual year when you lost it. This question may seem irrelevant and invasive, but I assure you these statistics are important to the government for the allocation of funds for birth control for high school students.”
“Miller…”
“How did you know it was me?”

What do you think, fact or pure fiction of or a bit of both?