by Michelle Gagnon
This week, TKZ is embarking on a new experiment. The first thirty people who sent us the opening page of their thriller WIP are receiving a critique. We’re keeping the authors of the submissions anonymous. I’ve posted a first page below, with my recommendations directly following.
STEALING GENIUS
Northern Waziristan
Pakistan/Afghanistan Tribal Region
Thomas watched the gathering crowd of Pushtun tribesmen from the tent’s relative cool. Some of the men were locals, but most were exhausted Afghani warriors and neighboring tribal militia gang members seeking sanctuary in the no-man’s land while they licked their wounds.
Once fortified and re-armed, they would return to their personal battlefields to kill again. Unless they found Thomas. He knew the languages of the region and wore the appropriate garb, but his blond hair, blue eyes and pale skin would betray him as much as his Australian accent. If anyone noticed Thomas, the killing would start much sooner.
He backed deeper into the dark as he checked his watch and hunkered down by the cases he’d humped into
Thomas had asked for permission to end this particular arrangement — end it with the slice of his bowie knife. But the old man denied his request.
Sweat beaded on his clean-shaven face, the robes he wore over his Kevlar unibody armor providing little relief from the hellish conditions. Thomas longed for his uniform — any uniform. He would be even hotter and by now as damp as a fish, but he’d still be more comfortable. Thomas had spent most of his life in one uniform or another and missed the security it gave him.
His last official uniform was Australian military, his homeland. He hadn’t seen the shores down under in almost three years. But even as an Australian commando, he’d rarely seen them, spending most of his time in East Timor or Papua New Guinea as a Peacekeeper.
The shouts from outside the tent rose in volume and frequency. Thomas eased his six-foot frame back towards the mouth of the tent. The shouts had changed in tone and temper. Anger was more prevalent now, as were mentions of Americans.
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There are the bones of a truly amazing opening here. I love the setting, the detail, and the situation Thomas is facing.
That being said, you really need to grab me. The first few paragraphs succeeded in that regard. But then the bulk of the rest of the page is exposition. I find out way more about the protagonist (I’m guessing that Thomas is the protagonist) than is necessary at the outset of the story. All I really need to know is that he’s waiting for someone, and that he’s in imminent danger of being killed. Paragraphs five and six could be condensed into a single sentence about him wearing robes over Kevlar.
Personally, I’d stop right after, “The lunatic was late. Again.” and jump into some action. I’m going to hazard a guess that somewhere in the next few pages either the lunatic will show up, or Thomas will be discovered. Take me there. Then fill in the rest of the backstory more gradually in terms of his military past. It’s even more interesting if I’m not sure whether or not Thomas is a good guy at this point, he could just as easily be the villain. Not telling me about his military connection adds an element of ambiguity to the scene.
Also, if possible I like to see a little dialogue on the first page–personal preference, so take it with a grain of salt. But instead of “the shouts from outside the tent,” maybe you could cast those shouts as dialogue. Then I could find out what language they’re speaking, how much of it the main character understands, and what he’s afraid of.
One more suggestion: this is still a fairly passive opening in terms of Thomas. You write, “He backed deeper into the dark as he checked his watch and hunkered down by the cases he’d humped into
But either way, there’s a lot of potential here. Just be wary of exposition at the outset. You have another 399 pages to tell us about Thomas. I’d recommend doling out the details more gradually.
I liked this one, too. Definitely leave out the two paragraphs about the uniform and his military background.
Just out of curiosity, how many people sent in their first pages? I’m much too chicken to send mine!
Kinda weird – okay maybe not that weird – but I had the same reaction as Michelle. I like something to happen on the first page and preferably in the first few paragraphs. And I like books that open with dialogue. Every author is a born editor of other people’s work (wouldn’t it be nice if they could edit their own as well?) but I would open with “Where is that lunatic?” Thomas talking to himself.
This sounds like a story I’d be interested in and with a little tightening (it’s not the writing, it’s the re-writing) I think you’ve got something pretty cool here. Thanks for being brave enough to share!
Sounds like a very interesting story. I agree with Michelle’s comments.
Regarding Mark’s suggestion to open with dialogue: Although it’s a matter of personal taste, I’ve heard editors and agents advise against opening the first page with dialogue. It’s often considered a weak opening.
Joyce, we’re almost up to our max first-page submissions, but can take a few more.
I agree with ending with the lunatic was late again:) I would also love to feel more tension about his predicament – really sense the danger he faces in being discovered. I like the idea of hearing the ‘shouts’ and what is being said – especially if it ups the stakes. I am already intrigued by the story and the background can easily wait a few pages more – getting the action of the ground on the first page would (I think) plunge the reader in and get the adrenaline surging.
Here’s the inherent problem with critique groups: Whose advice do you take? When one reader suggests X and the next suggests Z, and as the author, you’re still kinda comfortable with Y, what do you do?
On the opening with dialogue, I’d split the difference in this case and begin with, The lunatic was late again. Not as a quote, not as a thought, but as a narrative observation. It engages the reader, and it sidesteps the open-with-dialogue landmine. (Personally, I would never open with quoted dialogue, but I’m nobody’s gold standard.)
I think this is a really good opening. It can use some tweaks and tighening (I agree about losing the bulk of the uniform paragraph), but as it exists, without any change, it accomplishes what every first page is designed to do: make me turn to the second page.
I’ll even go out on a limb here and interpret what I took away as some foreshadowing:
Clean shaven = this operative is in country for a very short time;
Bouncing around from one country to the next = he’s a mercenary.
Bowie knife = He’s not regular military.
Request to murder his contact = He’s not the Good Guy of the story.
This is all compelling subtext. I say well done.
John
http://www.johngilstrap.com
I love the idea of using that as the opening line, John! No one would stop reading.
Henceforth I’m having Gilstrap compose all my opening lines…no wonder he’s a Thriller Award nominee.
Good feedback, everyone. With a thriller in particular, having some action at the outset tends to draw the reader in.
Stealing Genius author here. Thanks so much to everyone for the great comments, especially John (who, by the way, nailed every bit of subtext). I’ve got a couple partials of this out, but any bits I send out from now on is going to have a very different first couple pages. 😉
I have a sign on my wall that says RUE: Resist the Urge to Explain. Having someone show what that means is like night and day from being told what it means. My new book thanks you in advance.
Well, for what its worth, the imagery you evoked made me think of Frederick Forsythe’s the Afghan and Alex Berenson’s John Wells stuff. With a bit of work and tightening I would want to turn the page to see what this bloke’s gotten himself in to.
This beginning needs some cleaning up, rearranging, and general editing, but I like it and would keep reading. Good job.
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Anon-everyone said they’d like to keep reading, so you’ve accomplished every writer’s primary goal.
I think that the first page can be the hardest to revise. For some reason it’s the one that I struggle with most during the editing process.
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I would start with paragraph 3, “He backed deeper into the dark…” Edited a bit, that’s a great opening line and one that will keep me reading. Then I’d combine paragraphs 1 and 2 into a stronger paragraph and place that as the new paragraph 2. As others have said, the exposition/backstory on Thomas isn’t important now. Jump to the action sequence and you’ll keep us reading! Great premise though.
The picture makes it seem like non-fiction.