I’m tired of being snubbed by Book tv.
Oh sure, over the holidays I spent lots of time over there at C-Span2, listening to their earnest book discussions, and hearing interesting interviews with new-to-me authors.
But most of that time I spent watching in a state of–I admit it–jealous twitchery.
Book tv, as most of you know, showcases nonfiction books and authors.
Nonfiction books and authors.
Which means that novelists need not apply. Which means that the likes of me et tu waste our time sending in our cunning little media packets and promotional postcards and magnets as pay-for-play. Because even if C-Span is a quasi-governmental organization, bribes will buy us nada much airtime on Book tv.
But honestly–would it kill those serious folks over at C-Span to invite us fictionistas over for some play-dates at Book tv? We might help them sprout another Span or two! They could consider it a service to the dwindling public literary sphere. Or look at is as another government bailout. The publishing industry and authordom: we’re too big to fail. C’mon, Book tv! Give us airtime!!
Or maybe C-Span and Book tv don’t want novelists sullying up the public airwaves with BSP-antics, as we imaginative types are wont to do. So here’s my scathingly brilliant idea: I want to start a cable TV station, one that will be for fiction only. The new book TV channel will include book shows, discussions and reviews. We’ll start off small, by sticking the new station way out in the cable-viewing solar system (this is mostly where the people who watch the History Channel and the Crime & Investigation Network lurk). I predict that my Fiction Book tv cable channel will take root and thrive there.
So has anybody got some spare change to start up a new cable TV channel in 2009? This one will be strictly for works of fiction. The only nonfiction works we’ll take will be discards from Oprah’s memoir pile, the ones that didn’t make the Smelly Cat cut.
But her little stinkers will always be welcome on my Book TV Channel as long as I’m running the show. We’ll just slap a disclaimer on them: “Hey, Dude–it’s fiction. We make shit up over here. Get over it!” (And that ‘tude is probably exactly why you’ll never see me on C-Span).
Meanwhile, I’m getting really excited about my new book cable TV idea. All I need now is someone with business vision and money. Lots of money. To wit, I need me a venture capitalist. Are there any of those left after the crash of ’08? Every day another bazillionaire seems to be biting the dust, so there seem to be fewer to go around.
Hey, is Ted Turner looking for a new investment? He’s a survivor. Can someone please ask his people to give my people a call? Heck, he can call me personally. I just saw him over at C-Span. And let me tell you–at 72, he’s still got it.
Wait–does Ted even still have money? Oh heck, it doesn’t matter. Ted can call me anyway. He sounds totally cool. Or if he doesn’t want to invest in my new Book TV channel, maybe we can just chat about his latest nonfiction book, Call Me Ted. I think he’d like that. Even though it might make me more jealous than ever.
