By PJ Parrish
Our submission today is designated as a “thriller” so that’s all we know going in. The presumed protag is a 17-year-old young man. This is a rather spare sample, clocking in at just over 300 words and I wish the writer had gone on some more, up to our 400 word limit. But the beginning has promise. Let’s dive in.
WHERE PIECES FALL
Kellen Koufax sensed no pleasure in the stranger’s gaze. The young Middle Eastern woman’s straight-lined lips knotted his stomach the way he felt on Christmas morning eight years ago. No positives came from firmed expressions. Reluctance secreted in hers. The woman broke her pause inside the classroom door at Skyline High School and approached the teacher.
The woman’s blazer bulged at her waist. It identified her as someone seventeen-year-old Kellen preferred not to encounter. Not on his birthday, and not because he had committed any unforgivable crime. He chose to avoid anyone who relied on firearms to further their careers.
The teacher approached and whispered, “Kellen, this lady is from Idaho Falls Police.” Concern and curiosity infected the teacher’s tone. “She asked to speak to you in private.”
Kellen glanced at a Grizzly football teammate, shrugged, and paced to the detective’s squish-squash footfalls from the classroom to the principal’s office. The school’s guidance counselor waited with a uniformed officer. The counselor ushered Kellen and the detective into her adjoining office. The officer followed and posted himself near the door.
The detective motioned Kellen to sit in one of two chairs in front of a small desk. She sat and leaned forward. “My name is Detective Sahar Osman. I work in Idaho Falls Police Department’s Crimes Against Person’s Unit. Officers responded to a fire this morning at Sandy Downs. I’m sorry to have to tell you your father and mother did not survive.”
Kellen bowed his head. The detective’s words burst into the whoosh of red-orange flames sucking oxygen from the air while they lashed his parents who struggled to inhale their final breaths and flailed arms to beat off the flames. He flinched when a hand touched his left shoulder from behind. It was the only part of his body to sense warmth besides the tears on his cheeks. Everything else stiffened and ached as if the detective’s statement sealed him in cryonic suspension.
_________________________________
There are some good things going on here. We definitely have a disturbance in the norm — what can be worse than being called out of class to hear your parents have died in a fire? Too often, writers feel they must first world-build a “normal” day in order to make the disturbance, when it comes, feel more dreadful. I used to think this was the way to go early in my writing career. But I learned to make waves first and then explain later what was left behind in the wake. So kudos, writer, for not falling into that trap.
Other things that are good: We know who we are following, the protag’s gender, how old he is, and where we are (a real high school in Idaho Falls…I looked it up). You’d be surprised how many writers leave out this basic info.
Given the shortness of the scene, we don’t have much time to get to know Kellen or establish empathy with him. I’m sure that will come later. I wish the writer had taken the care and time to slip in a few telling details about Kellen. How do you do this? Maybe he nervously fiddles with a brand new class ring (which tells us he is about to graduate). Maybe he exchanges a nervous glance with someone specific before he leaves. (which tells us he has a good friend or even a girlfriend). Or maybe everyone stares at him weirdly or even laughs (which, in his reaction, tells us he’s a loner). I mention this because of this line:
The woman’s straight-lined lips knotted his stomach the way he felt on Christmas morning eight years ago. No positives came from firmed expressions.
Someone happened to Kellen when he was seven that must have scarred him to the point that this stranger’s expression made his stomach knot again. This is good! This is a tease of backstory! I found it the most interesting thing in the whole submission. This opening needs a few more dabs of this kind of intrigue. The TELLING DETAIL is so important. These imprint on the reader’s mind, providing flesh on your character’s bones, a hint of intrigue and the promise of more to come. Slow down in your writing, dear writer, and look for opportunities to provide this.
Also, this is his birthday! So important for someone so young. At 17, you’re on the cusp of manhood. Kellen surely feels this. And he is being thrust, on this very special day, into a nightmare. Surely some thought crosses his mind about this as he is being ushered out by a policewoman. Again, slow down and let the drama play out more.
Okay, now I have to talk about confusion. There were a few times, I had to stop and think about what I was reading and figure it out. We call these hiccups. You don’t want hiccups in your opening. You want clarity and conveyance of plot. I was a little confused by the opening paragraph:
Kellen Koufax sensed no pleasure in the stranger’s gaze. The young Middle Eastern woman’s straight-lined lips knotted his stomach the way he felt on Christmas morning eight years ago. No positives came from firmed expressions. Reluctance secreted in hers. The woman broke her pause inside the classroom door at Skyline High School and approached the teacher.
First, he has no reason at this point to know the policewoman is there for him. That info comes later from the teacher. UNLESS…you make a point of the teacher looking directly at him first and then the detective does. Only then would he feel targeted.
“Young Middle Eastern woman” is also confusing. Coming in the second line of the book, I hiccupped and thought we were in the Mideast somewhere. And I don’t know how Kellen can realistically pinpoint her ethnicity at a glance. Unless she’s wearing a head scarf? (Yes, women cops wear them). What’s the point of even bringing this up?
The second graph has issues as well.
The woman’s blazer bulged at her waist. It identified her as someone seventeen-year-old Kellen preferred not to encounter. Not on his birthday, and not because he had committed any unforgivable crime. He chose to avoid anyone who relied on firearms to further their careers.
The woman’s blazer does not “identify her as someone Kellen preferred not to encounter.” The gun, which is hidden, does. Detectives wear guns on their belts, and badges. Why be coy? It’s more interesting that he sees them. And that the detective keeps staring at him!
What’s going on in the class right now? Wouldn’t there be a low hum of curiosity? Wouldn’t heads be craning toward him by now? Given our gruesome times, a cop showing up in a classroom is not a good thing for anyone. Again, you’re missing chances to up the drama and tension in your scene by moving through it too fast.
Next graph:
Kellen glanced at a Grizzly football teammate, shrugged, and paced to the detective’s squish-squash footfalls from the classroom to the principal’s office. The school’s guidance counselor waited with a uniformed officer. The counselor ushered Kellen and the detective into her adjoining office. The officer followed and posted himself near the door.
So Kellen plays football? I almost missed that detail because the wording “glanced at a Grizzly football teammate” is so awkwardly phrased. Maybe something like:
Kellen looked over at Ted. His friend’s eyes were wide with questions, Kellen looked down at his teammate’s sweatshirt, focusing on the logo of the bear print until the word GRIZZ was just a blue blur.
Personalize! Be specific. Connect. (I looked up Skyline HS, home of the Grizz) Make us feel what Kellen is feeling right now. All we get is a shrug? This, after what you told us about a knot in the stomach? I recognize teen boys can be laconic. But again, I think you’re missing a chance to inject drama.
Next graph:
The detective motioned Kellen to sit in one of two chairs in front of a small desk. She sat and leaned forward. “My name is Detective Sahar Osman. I work in Idaho Falls Police Department’s Crimes Against
Person’sPersons Unit. Officers responded to a fire this morning at Sandy Downs. I’m sorry to have to tell you your father and mother did not survive.”
Again, I have to advise the writer to slow down. Because here’s another missed opportunity to add tension. Split the detective’s dialogue into parts and let Kellen react to each new piece of info. I think she would be less blunt, for starters. And second, it gives you a beat — a second or two for Kellen to react and readers to learn something more. There’s no reason to race through this crucial scene. Sandy Downs is a real place, a equestrian arena and popular concert site. Maybe something like this:
“My name is Detective Shar Osman. I work in Idaho Falls Police Department’s Crimes Against Persons Unit.”
Kellen stared at her, not understanding. Crimes against persons?
“Our officers responded to a fire this morning at Sandy Downs,” she went on.
Sandy Downs? The horse place, the arena where they hold rodeos? I was there once, That’s where Ted and I went and saw The Cure. It burned down?
“I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but your parents were involved and did not survive.”
One aside: Most average people (outside us crime dogs) don’t know “crimes against persons” is another name for homicide et al. Why is a homicide detective going to a school when the crime here is arson? Since the fire was “this morning” it would not realistically be ruled homicide yet. At some point very soon this has to be addressed.
Now, you are at a critical point. Kellen’s reaction is everything here. And depending on your plot, you have to be clear on his emotions. Did his parents work there? If not, why were they there in the middle of a school day? If they DID have good reason to be there, THAT is where his thoughts go first. If they DIDN’T, then his reaction is completely different.
And I think, at 17, he’d almost not understand what she’s saying: “Did not survive” is a cop’s way of couching bad news. I can imagine him thinking:
Did not survive. Did not survive what? Wait….a fire. There was a fire. Does she mean they’re dead?
Such moments need to be that strange. People, especially kids, process awful news in an almost detached away, like they’re trying to tune in a bad radio station signal. Which leads us to the last paragraph:
Kellen bowed his head. The detective’s words burst into the whoosh of red-orange flames sucking oxygen from the air while they lashed his parents who struggled to inhale their final breaths and flailed arms to beat off the flames. He flinched when a hand touched his left shoulder from behind. It was the only part of his body to sense warmth besides the tears on his cheeks. Everything else stiffened and ached as if the detective’s statement sealed him in cryonic suspension.
I don’t think this works, for the reasons I cited above. You must give words to Kellen’s thoughts. I can buy that dreadful news creates a “whoosh” in the brain. But nothing as articulate and “writerly” as what is in this graph.
The detective’s words burst into the whoosh of red-orange flames sucking oxygen from the air while they lashed his parents who struggled to inhale their final breaths and flailed arms to beat off the flames.
What has happened here, dear writer, is that you have abandoned the view point of a 17 year old boy and lapsed into omnisicient. This is you being writerly, not Kellen feeling and reacting.
Then you need a new graph:
Kellen closed his eyes. He flinched when a hand touched his left shoulder
from behind.It was the only part of his body to sense warmth besides the tears on his cheeks.Everything else stiffened and ached as if the detective’s statement sealed him in cryonic suspension.
I think that last line needs to go. It’s a toke over the line after flames, warmth, stiffening. I doubt a 17 year old teen who’s just gotten such news thinks in terms of “cryonic suspension.” Again, that is the writer talking, not the character thinking.
I’m not going to red line edit today because I don’t think we need it. I’ve tried to cover the main points and hope the writer takes my critique in the spirit it is intended. This is one person’s opinion, dear writer, and meant only to help you down your path. I like this set-up and would definitely read on. But you need to get inside this young man’s head more and see this terrible event through his eyes only. Point of view is a potent tool. Put it to work for you more precisely and you’ll add more power to your story.
xxx This piece displays a lot of skill, along with a more than adequate vocabulary and the courage to turn it all loose on the reader. There’s a lot more potential here than the piece calls for, unless the writer’s intent is to write literary fiction, where obscurity is de rigueur.
But we we’re warned to expect thriller, so clarity is an expectation. Yes, a mysterious or ambiguous phrase can serve well as a reader hook. Here, however, virtually every sentence in the opening ⁋ is unclear. The only thing that really works is, as noted, the reference to an ominous Christmas-past.
Kellen: not sure if this is a male or female, except for the cheat sheet up top. This makes it uncertain whether the woman’s description applies to Kellen or someone else.
sensed no pleasure: understated & confusing because of the negative phrasing. Far better to say what he did sense, instead of what he didn’t.
Secreted: ambiguous, could be past tense of secret (to hide) or secrete (to ooze.) It appears in an incomplete sentence, too.
broke her pause: What pause?
The entire paragraph is too terse. There’s a place for terseness, and the ability to write that way is useful, but you need to be clear here, above all else. Terseness is better in fight scenes. One final bit of advice: some scenes should be described as if seen by an observer looking thru the view-finder of a camera.
I had same thought about gender given the name, JG. But Kellen is also a male name. Still I was confused until I got to the first “he” reference. Naming of characters is so important because it is really the first thing readers gom onto. I had this exact issue with one of my books where I chose to name a female character Joe. I so wish I had used Jo instead. (The character name came from a win-your-name auction and the woman’s name was Joette but I didn’t think it out).
Amen!
And Joë is another option.
Overall, I am going to turn the page. DA, I am interested. Yes this sample is a bit sparce, but overall, it starts off the story well.
Read PJ’s notes. A little clean up would get what looks like a great story out there.
One quibble. When I read footfalls, I look for Dr. Watson. Steps maybe?
Valid point on “footfalls.” Doesn’t sound like something that comes from a 17 year old teen’s brain. Again, point of view…
Thank you, Brave Author, for submitting this piece. I can see the potential of it–as noted above, what can be more horrible than being delivered such terrible news?
I concur with PJ’s assessment above & would add a few thoughts:
* the first paragraph that read clearly to me was paragraph 3. I found the first 2 paragraphs very confusing.
*Paragraph 1: On a minor note, the name “Kellen” leaves one confused as to whether it is a male or female speaking, but not a big deal as you clear that up in sentence 2. I was confused as to the meaning of “firmed expressions”. Also confused by “reluctance secreted in hers”. And, because I was puzzling over the prior sentences, I was momentarily confused by the sudden insert of the teacher’s appearance in the narrative–it took a moment to realize the teacher wasn’t the object of Kellen’s focus, but a third person in the room.
* Paragraph 2: When I first read that the woman’s blazer bulged, my first image was that perhaps it was someone who was overweight–maybe carrying weight in the midsection. It takes another sentence or two to realize it’s a weapon. Just make that plain at the beginning of the paragraph. On a good note, you are giving a hint of Kellen’s personal attitudes/experiences with the comment about “chose to avoid anyone…”
* After reading PJ’s post, I realize I was even more confused than I thought, because when the officer tells Kellen about a fire at Sandy Downs, I just assumed Sandy Downs was some housing development where Kellen and his family lived. PJ took the time to look the place up, but a writer can’t assume their reader is going to do that. So clarity matters here, especially if its an important detail.
* I was thrown out of the story completely with the final paragraph. What proceeded were some very flowery words we authors like to write (we’ve all been guilty of it) 😎 but inside I was screaming “No way. If I’m a 17 year old and someone just told me my parents were dead, I’d be numb and speechless.” And trying to understand the import of what that cop just said to me. If Kellen is innocent and truly shocked, I can’t imagine him reacting in such a flowery fashion and even if it was a character who turned out to be the killer, I still wouldn’t see it as a realistic reaction.
* On a side note, while you clearly state Kellen is in a classroom at the beginning of the page, when you mention a few paragraphs down the football player, my mind switched to thinking it was a gynasium they were in—I think probably just the confusion of the first few paragraphs but it does indicate the sense of setting could be a little stronger with a few telling details to make it firm in the reader’s mind.
To me, the good things this opening page has are:
* Initial reader empathy (i.e. being confronted with the death of your parents)
* Curiosity about what makes a 17 year old wary of someone who used guns as a law enforcement officer would obviously do.
So if you can rework this page to reduce the confusion & create a realistic visceral reaction for the character, it will draw them to continue on past this opening page.
Ditto on Sandy Downs…I thought it was a neighborhood or development, so heck, I Googled it. Okay to use it in dialogue, as the writer did, but then you have to quickly tell us what it is somehow.
Thanks for weighing in BK.
My favorite entries in this blog are the First Page Critiques. Before I read the original submission, I pretend I’m in a Powell’s Bookstore in Portland, Oregon surrounded by literally thousands of books. For you who don’t know, Powell’s is one of the best book stores in the world. Anyway, the title on the spine of the book has caught my attention. I read the blurb and it has some appeal. Then I read the first paragraph. As a thriller, it better have a hell of a hook for me to blow over ten bucks on.
I would pass on this book for the reasons PJ has outlined.
My critique would be to dump the first four paragraphs and start with the fifth. Work in the protagonists name.
Next, The death of parents happens everyday so why is this one so special to me, the reader?. Kellen misses them isn’t enough. Maybe add a real hook to the end of that paragraph. ]
Kellen’s forehead broke out in sweat. How did the cops find the bodies so soon?
This puts tension into the first paragraph as well as a strong story question. I take my ten bucks out of my pocket and buy the book. Then go into Powell’s coffee shop and read the first chapter with a coffee and a cinnamon roll. I’m a happy reader.
I often speak of when is the prime moment to enter your story. I didn’t mind that this opens with Kellen seeing the cop come in. But as you point out, because there is no reaction or emotion from him as this happens, there is no tension. On new read, I agree this needs a new opening.
Thank you, Brave Author, for your submission, and thanks to Kris for her excellent critique.
I think you have a great beginning for a story: a 17-year-old being pulled out of his class to learn his parents have died in a fire. However, like others, I was confused by some of the wording. Even the first sentence “Kellen Koufax sensed no pleasure in the stranger’s gaze.” had me scratching my head. Was it Kellen who had no pleasure or the stranger who wasn’t showing pleasure? It was a speed bump right off the bat.
But like Kris said, you have a great opportunity to add tension over the course of the chapter. The stranger coming into the classroom, the expression on the teacher’s face, the buzz among the students, the long walk down the hall behind the “squish-squash footfalls”, the concerned looks on the guidance counselor and policeman, Kellen’s heightened anxiety, etc. If you can show all this without telling, it would be powerful. (Btw, I loved “squish-squash footfalls.” I could hear them.)
Best of luck with your writing. I hope you’ll rewrite and resubmit this piece.
How did the detective know which classroom to go to? Did she go from room to room until she found Kellen? I think it would make more sense that she would go to the office and speak to the principal.
Therefore, I would begin with the teacher being interrupted by someone handing her a note that she could read out, saying that Kellen is wanted in the principal’s office. This would give the students in the class a chance to react.
As Kellen is walking to the office we learn Kellen’s thoughts and feelings. Has he been sent to the office before? Is he curious, angry, upset? Why does he think he has to go to the office? What does he pass on the way? Other classrooms? Posters about the big game that night?
When he arrives at the office he sees the office secretaries, the guidance counselor and the principal. Why are they all looking at him? The principal tells him to go into his office. Kellen passes a uniformed police officer. What’s that about? The principal doesn’t go into the room. Instead he closes the door after Kellen enters the room. Kellen realizes this has nothing to do with the principal. He sees the woman, learns she is a detective and so on.
By starting this way, things have slowed down and the suspense is building for us as much as for Kellen.
Brave Author, I think I would enjoy reading more.
In several sentences Kellen’s life is going to be changed forever. He will react to that news now and feel the consequences of that news for the rest of his life. Don’t think that he only gets this one moment to react. Remember, this is the initial moment and not the only one. This make take some of the pressure off writing this scene.
Best of luck!
Tracy