By PJ Parrish
Our First-Pager starts off with a bang. Literally. I will leave it at that for now. Let’s take a read and then discuss.
Sweet Sixteen Redux
New Town Mall
I was trying on a polka-dotted push-up bra when the gunfire began. The rat-a-tats came in quick bursts. A chorus of screams followed. The sounds were distant but unmistakable. This was no kid with a cap gun. Someone had come to the mall to kill. And my father was out there.
“Dad…”
The word limped out of my mouth, a prayer. Dad had brought me shopping as a present for my sixteenth birthday. He sat outside the dressing room at The Gap and American Apparel, glancing at his cell and offering some variation of “Looks nice, Grace” when I came out, even when I modeled an orange jumper that made me look like a baby convict. We mutually agreed, however, that it would be best for all parties if I spent my Victoria’s Secret gift card (a present from Mom) without his assistance. The last thing he’d said to me was, “I’ll be in the food court.”
I threw on my shirt and crept out of the dressing room, panic rising in me like a tide.
The saleswoman who’d been helping me was huddled behind the counter, a cell phone pressed to her ear. “I don’t know how many shooters there are. Just hurry.” She ended the call and waved me over. “The police are on the way. We need to—”
More shots rang out. She let out an ear-piercing cry and crawled through an Angels Only door, beckoning me to follow. Every cell in my body screamed for me to go with her, to get as far away from the shooter as humanly possible. But Dad was in danger. Because of my stupid birthday. I couldn’t just leave him to fend for himself.
Outside the store, panicked shoppers stampeded away from the food court, toward the T.J. Maxx end of the mall. I watched them pass, looking for Dad’s blue Cub’s jersey. When it was clear he wasn’t coming, I shuffled over to a cell phone kiosk and crouched behind a cardboard winky face. From there, I could see what everyone was running from: a man, dressed in black, with a short-barreled machine gun in his hands and a SpongeBob mask covering his face. Lifeless bodies were splayed across the floor like mannequins. One of them wore a blue Cub’s jersey.
No…it can’t be.
_________________________
I often say here that the better the submission, the tougher my comments are. This is because if the writer is doing the craft things right, if the story is compelling, you want to root for them even harder and help them if you can. Such is the case here. But here’s the catch for me — I can’t find too much negative to say about this! I’m not being lazy here. You all know how much I like to drill down into our submissions. But this writer is doing a lot of things right.
So that is our lesson today, folks. We can learn from submissions that need work. But we can also learn from submissions that don’t. So…
What works here, for me, at least?
Immediate conflict and drama. The writer chose a good entry point moment to begin their story. Something is happening right from the get-go — a mall shooting. The writer could have started earlier, say with daughter and dad talking just outside the store about why they were there — it’s a birthday gift shopping spree. The writer could have been more in the narrator’s head, having her think about how much she is enjoying her day with dad. But no. The writer wisely got the action moving first and kept the backstory out of the way (for the most part; more on that in edits).
Good choreography. Moving your characters around in time and space seems like a mundane craft thing but many writers don’t do this well. Your story is unspooling in your head like a movie — you see it so clearly, right? But your job is getting the reader to see it as clearly. So you have to be careful about telling us where people are, what precisely is happening. It isn’t fancy writing but it’s vital. This writer aces this. (with a few small hiccups).
Point of View. First person is, to my mind, harder than third because everything in this story must be filtered through one person’s senses and experience level. Our narrator is very young, so it’s doubly hard, but I think the writer has a good grip on this so far. I liked the young girl Grace immediately. She feels real to me. Notice the writer told us Grace is trying on a polka-dot push-up bra? The writer could have chosen jeans or a blouse. But the fact it’s a slightly naughty bra is what we call a telling detail — it tells us something specific about Grace. And did you notice how gracefully the writer inserts the girl’s name and age? This isn’t easy in first-person.
Now, there are a couple things that need tweaking, here and there. So let’s go to a line edit. My comments are in red.
Sweet Sixteen Redux Not crazy about this title. It feels too soft and ambiguous for this story especially given the action opening. “Redux” is one of those weird words that everyone thinks they know but actually get wrong. It means brought-back or revived. Not sure what the writer is going for here. Maybe that her “sweet 16” was far from sweet, in fact, deadly, so she’ll get another chance to relive it? What do you all think?
New Town Mall You don’t need this tag, writer. You cover it, as you should, in the narration.
I was trying on a polka-dotted push-up bra when the gunfire began. This is a grabber first line but a nit to pick here. The way this is phrased feels almost like she’s thinking about the episode in retrospect. Most laymen, when they hear gunfire, do not immediately identify it as such. Victims of mass shootings describe it as car back-fire, fire-crackers, etc. In the first few seconds, their reactions are purely visceral. Not sure she would say “gunfire.” The rat-a-tats came in quick bursts. A chorus of screams followed. The sounds were distant but unmistakable. This was no kid with a cap gun. See comment above. She evidently thought she was hearing a cap gun. Someone had come to the mall to kill. And my father was out there. Good ending to the graph!
“Dad…”
The word limped out of my mouth, a prayer. I like this line…Dad had brought me shopping as a present for my sixteenth birthday. He sat outside the dressing room at The Gap and American Apparel, glancing at his cell and offering some variation of “Looks nice, Grace” when I came out, even when I modeled an orange jumper that made me look like a baby convict. We mutually agreed, however, that it would be best for all parties if I spent my Victoria’s Secret gift card (a present from Mom) without his assistance. The last thing he’d said to me was, “I’ll be in the food court.” Okay, this needs some work. It’s too long (backstory) and thus puts a brake on the great action of the scene. I get that the writer wants to establish WHY Grace and dad are there because it creates sympathy and empathy. But just shorten it, maybe to:
I yanked open the dressing room curtain. Dad had been sitting there, thumbing his cell phone, while I tried on clothes. “Looks nice, Grace,” he had said when I emerged to model an orange jumpsuit. But now he was gone. Then I remembered he had muttered something about meeting me at the food court.
I threw on my shirt and crept out of the dressing room, panic rising in me like a tide. Cliche…you can do better, writer. What does it FEEL like specifically to this girl? Bring up next line. The saleswoman who’d been helping me was huddled behind the counter, a cell phone pressed to her ear.
Need new graph when new person speaks. “I don’t know how many shooters there are. Just hurry.” She ended the call and waved me over. “The police are on the way. We need to—”
More shots rang out. She let out an ear-piercing cry and crawled through an Angels Only door, I have no idea what this is beckoning me to follow. Every cell in my body screamed for me to go with her, to get as far away from the shooter as humanly possible. But Dad was in danger. Possibly. Maybe it would be smarter to have her think that she has to FIND him. Because of my stupid birthday. I couldn’t just leave him to fend for himself. Why do I suggest cutting this last line? Because the line before it is much more powerful. Also, Dad being in danger isn’t really caused by her birthday. Unless you add something here that she was the one who insisted he bring her? Can you make it more personal to their relationship. She feels guilty — so give her a good reason!
Outside the store, choreography hiccup here. You have to move her outside first. Did she decide to go out the front entrance of the Gap? panicked shoppers stampeded away from the food court, toward the T.J. Maxx Another choregraphy hiccup. Is the Gap right next to the food court? The stampede she sees implies it is. Be specific. end of the mall. I watched them pass, looking I scanned the crowd but didn’t see Dad’s blue Cub’s jersey. When it was clear he wasn’t coming, I shuffled Not the right word, I don’t think, as shuffle is a slow casual verb. Scuttled? But that’s not a 16-year-old’s word. Scrambled? over to a cell phone kiosk and crouched behind a cardboard winky face. I’m probably dense as a log but I didn’t know what this was. A smiley face, or one of those yellow winking icon? It didn’t compute with cell phone kiosk for me. I stumbled for a moment so maybe it needs fixing? Not sure…
Then I saw him — From there, I could see what everyone was running from: a man, dressed in black, black what? trench coat? with a short-barreled machine gun in his hands machine gun is an old fashioned term. Need help here from my gun experts — what would you call this, keeping in mind this is a 16 year old? and a SpongeBob mask covering his face. if she can’t see his face she can’t tell us for sure it’s a man. Could be a boy. Could be a woman. Lifeless Ditto, she can’t KNOW they are dead bodies were splayed across the floor like mannequins. I like that you’re trying for a metaphor here in keeping with your setting but not sure it works. mannequins don’t normal “splay” — they stand upright. I’d lose the metaphor. Also, be careful that you don’t get too “writerly” here and slip into metaphoric thinking in such a visceral moment.
Also, like your verb choice of “shuffle” the word “splay” might not be accurate. It’s a nice word but splay is very specific in meaning — all limbs thrust out from the torso at oblique angles. Some of those shot would crumble inward; some would be merely prone. Also question whether Grace, at 16, would think in such a wording. Keep every emotion, reaction, word choice in her realm of experience — not yours.
One of them wore a blue Cub’s jersey. Nice. I might put it on a line of its own. But can you sharpen the image and make her reaction more visceral. Suggestion:
I spotted a body in dark blue shirt. There was a red target-shaped logo on the back. It was a Cub’s jersey.
You told us Dad was wearing such a jersey so it’s more impactful to just stay with the visual of the jersey and let US connect the dots. And note the use of “target” in logo.
No…it can’t be. Good that you’re in her head. But unattributed thoughts need to be in itals.
So, as I said, I really like this opening. The solid writing bodes well. I want to know if Dad is alive, of course. And I want to know, of course, how this life-shaking event affects our protagonist. That is, I would guess, the dramatic trajectory for Grace. I am very curious what genre we are in — young adult or regular no-age-specific? I am curious, too, where the plot will go from here and what its main thrust will be. What kind of journey are you taking us on, dear writer? Mystery? Police procedural? Thriller? Where does Grace go from here? When you have such a dramatic opening, that is a big big question.
But I am curious. And that is a very good thing. So good job, writer.
Great first page, Brave Author! It completely sucked me in. The character, setting, and situation felt real b/c of great little details like the polka-dotted push-up bra and the Cub’s jersey. I esp. liked the orange jumper that made Grace look like a baby convict.
As Kris said, it’s hard to find much to critique b/c the page is so well executed. But as always her tweaks made a strong piece even more compelling.
I would definitely turn the page. Excellent job, Brave Author!
Great job, Brave author. Fantastic teaching, Kris. A master class this morning!
Thanks!
I agree with Kris’s excellent critique. I have just a couple of notes.
The opening graph is too mild for the subject. Kris mentioned the word “gunfire” for a good reason. “Rat-a-tat” is tame. “Chorus” brings to mind a musical ensemble. I’d go over these word choices and find a harder edge.
We no longer need to use “cell” phone. That’s the default now. Just use “phone.” The call out would be with a landline.
“Shots rang out” is a cliche.
Kris also tagged “panic rising in me like a tide.” IMO you don’t need to gild the lily with anything. That the narrator “crept out” is a visual that creates the feeling in the reader. In such a case, leave it right there. Further description dilutes it.
Also gilding is the line “But Dad was in danger…I couldn’t just leave him to fend for himself.” That’s a little too on the nose for me, like the author demanding me to realize how noble and heroic the daughter is. We can surmise that from the action. If you want to contrast her cells screaming with her concern for Dad, pull back. Perhaps:
Every cell in my body screamed for me to go with her, to get as far away from the shooter as humanly possible.
But Dad…
Also gilding is the last line, IMO. I’d make the penultimate line stand alone:
From there, I could see what everyone was running from: a man, dressed in black, with a short-barreled machine gun in his hands and a SpongeBob mask covering his face. Lifeless bodies were splayed across the floor like mannequins.
One of them wore a blue Cub’s jersey.
Boom! I’m ready to turn that page NOW. We (the readers) FEEL it. We don’t need the narrator telling us what everyone already knows she’s thinking.
These are small things intended to squeeze all the juice out of this compelling opening. You can write, writer. Keep going.
Thanks for weighing in, Jim. Take a close look at his suggestions on word choice, writer. As I said, you’re on a good track here but the difference between a merely good scene and a powerful one is often in such small details as very specific word choices. An average writer settles for a word. A really good writer searches hard and long for the right word.
Also a p.s. to his comments re cliches: The more visceral your scene, the easier it is to settle for cliches (rat-a-tat, panic rising like a tide, stampede of the crowd). In writing such a scene, you have to dig even deeper to avoid the descriptions we’ve all read before. And sad to say, we are all too familiar now with this scenario. Your job is to filter this DISTINCTLY through your character. This is tough writing… you’re up to the task.
Really enjoyed this first page read.
The one thing I felt was missing, however, was that POV character seemed somewhat dispassionate at the opening. I realize when suddenly faced with such a horrible situation that it may take a bit for reality to sink in, but I just wasn’t feeling her panic as I read. It says “panic rising in me like a tide’ but by this point I don’t yet FEEL that from the character. There is not only panic over her dad, but she surely feels panic for herself as well. But this is a tough call for a writer. Reality is, when something bad happens in modern day, people generally react as though they are seeing something on TV.
The one thing that threw me off was “The word limped out of my mouth, a prayer.”
Putting myself in the character’s shoes, facing the horror that my dad was in mortal danger, there would be no words ‘limping’ from my mouth. It sounds half-hearted. It’s a nit-picky thing but limp doesn’t sound like the right word in a horrible moment of life and death.
But later in this first page, the point at which her emotions really grab me is when it says “Because of my stupid birthday.” THAT gets at the heart of what all of us feel when we have just realized there are negative consequences for an action we’ve taken (even though she couldn’t have known this would happen.)
Wonderful first page that to me just needs minor tweaks. it was a grabber.
Thanks BK. Really good points, all. I said I liked “limped” because it sounded authentic given her age. But I see your point as well. And yeah, I picked up on (and perked up!) at the point when she expresses guilt. It needs to be amplified, I think, because it gives Grace’s emotional journey even more places to go in the rest of the book.
One of Kris’s comments brings up another dilemma for writers (and has nothing to do with the quality of this page).
Even when you’re ‘right’, you’re ‘wrong’. Kris questioned a door marked “Angels Only.” Anyone familiar with Victoria’s Secret would know this is their way of saying “Employees Only.” Those not familiar might wonder if this entire scene is written in a heavenly setting. But using “Employees Only” to clarify would have readers familiar with the retailer saying,”The door wouldn’t say that.”
No matter what we choose to write, someone’s going to be bringing different life experiences to the table.
I buy my underwear at Macy’s. There you go.
I’ve read mixed opinions on this topic, but I enjoy the writer’s references to specific, real life brand names, store names, and pop culture characters (“SpongeBob”). It helps me visualize a real mall and makes the story more realistic.
Yes, I agree Philip. It enlivens the narrative.
The Ming the Merciless School of Literary Criticism is now in session. Ming loves this whole scene: visceral, personal (First person! Yayy!) Nice “out,” too, but Ming would end it with the Cubs’ jersey. Your call. Great hook, either way.
Putting a flashback after a rat-a-tat? Better to dump the previous shopping history, follow PJ’s suggestion.
Building a scene based on a real location is a good trick, but very few readers will grasp, e.g., what “T.J. Maxx end of the mall” means. Orient them with north, south, east, west, instead.
Technically, the weapon is a full automatic rifle or submachine gun. She might think of it as a “machine gun,” but the average reader might stumble over that description, and just about everybody would already know what it is by the rat-a-tats.
Watch the similes. They must match the tone of the material and not stop the reader: not too ornate or over-the-top, not understating the situation’s gravity:
“like a baby convict” was okay, but cut with the flashback
“panic rising like a tide” See PJ’s & JSB’s comments.
“across the floor like mannequins” falls short of the actuality.
The major thing about this chapter is that Ming cares about the characters, wants to know what happens. It’s very effective.
Thanks Ming. All opinions will help the writer sort out what he/she needs.
An excellent story so far. I would be flipping the page right now.
A few things to move from an A- to an A+. I am the father of 17 an 20 year old girls. They don’t like me even being in the mall when they go to VC. Spot on that dad is in the food court.
Semi-automatics tend for fire three round bursts. And yes, rat-a-tat belongs with Dick Tracy. Pop, pop, pop would do. As someone else pointed out. In movies guns shake the windows. In real life the pop is almost quiet.
Like almost every high school student in America, Grace has had active shooter drills her entire life. Ducking, finding the exit, calling for help. She has been trained in all of them. My oldest has “Active shooter response for educational and religious institutions” class on her short resume. Saddest is she and her sister have had to use that training.
One of the more disturbing things in a mass shooting is the sound after. The cell phones of the dead and wounded ringing. That may not be what you want to add.
“I spotted a body in dark blue shirt. There was a red target-shaped logo on the back. It was a Cub’s jersey. ” The logo is only on the front. If dear author is a Cubs fan, on the back would be their favorite player’s number. If you want to make dad real cool, #14, Banks, Ernie Banks, Mr. Baseball.
Very good point about active shooter drills! I whiffed on that. She would definitely think about that and it should be there in the narrative. Did the drills teach her, prepare her? Or did it all go out the window considering Dad is in the crosshairs? Thanks!
And you’re right. We all know, unfortunately, what an automatic rifle sounds like now, if only from TV videos of shooter scenes. It’s pop-pop, not rat-a-tat. I can only imagine what it sounds like in real life, esp echoing in a large mall.
Brave Author, I enjoyed this first page! I especially liked the “Looks nice, Grace” line because we get the protagonist’s name and also learn about the dad who’s trying to be a good guy but is bored and scrolling his phone.
My hiccup was the machine gun. If Grace knows about guns (perhaps she has an NRA logo on her purse tag), she’d recognize what she’s looking at. As an ordinary teen, she might think something like, “…holding something that looked like a short machine gun.”
I do know what the Angels Only door is at VS, and so would a lot of teen girls. I say keep it.:-)
Good luck with your story, Brave Author!
As Alan pointed out, all high schoolers have been drilled on active shooters. They would know what an automatic rifle looks like. Maybe the sight of the shooter’s gun triggers a memory from the drill? Since I’ve never been in a HS drill, I can’t say. But this is a GREAT opportunity to show adult readers something very specific and horrible from a teen’s viewpoint. A teen would respond to this very differently than most adults, I would think.
Video gamers know what they look like too. Or maybe Grace’s brother plays