Heat Up Point of View for Greater Reader Empathy

by James Scott Bell
@jamesscottbell

Today’s lesson comes via a first page submitted by an anonymous author. Here we go:

Mr. Who
And The Curious Case Of Fatal Flatulence

Chapter 1

Mr. Who had to face facts. Breaking the law was harder than it looked. Well, not so much the breaking part, he had no trouble doing that. But the getting arrested for it part, now that was proving to be a bugger.

This time, though, would be different, he thought. Robbing a bank, now that would definitely do the trick, right? Perfect for getting thrown into the hoosegow, the pokey, the big house. Hell, he’d settle for the little house if it meant getting his pinkies checked for their criminal history.

He’d have to do some time for it, of course, but convinced that his past was filled with who-knows-how-many bad deeds and broken laws, having done so much harm to so many innocent people, it would serve him right. Right?

Oh, yeah… Better start at the beginning so you got a chance to know what’s going on here.

The exact moment he lost all memory was one he’ll never forget.

Wait.

Make that the moment right after his amnesia took hold.

It was strange enough not knowing who he was, or even simple facts about his life—talk about feeling like an idiot—but what happened after that… Well, that was stranger still.

###

The first thing he saw when he came to was… nothing. He was surrounded by complete and utter darkness.

Oh, no. His mind raced—but not in a homed in straight line, like a top fuel dragster. More like a bunch of lame bumper cars bouncing off each other in a ridiculous effort to come up with… something… anything… instead of the big fat zilch that did come forth.

His mind may have been empty, but his gut was talking to him loud and clear. And it was telling him the pitch-darkness was not his friend. Far from it. Feeling like it had him by the throat, he struggled to breathe. He couldn’t tell how many invisible hands it had, but it must have been at least three—enough to clutch his throat while also tying his stomach in knots.

It was so dark something terrible could be right in front of his face, like a crazed killer could be right there, and he’d never… Was that a growl?

Maybe a rabid pit bull was about to pounce. He cringed and braced for it.

***

In my last first-page critique, on the perils of author voice, I mentioned that the overt authorial voice is more fitting for a comic novel. Well, what can you say about a novel subtitled The Curious Case of Fatal Flatulence? It’s not going for an Anna Karenina vibe, now is it?

With that in mind, how does the voice work here? Okay, I’d say. The author chooses to set up the story with a jaunty intro which presents an intriguing mystery: why does this guy want his “pinkies checked” for criminal history?

That being said, I would counsel the author not to give any more away, leaving the readers with a mystery. That’s always a good way to get them to read further. Cut the last three lines of the intro, because you already have a wonderful last line hook: The exact moment he lost all memory was one he’d never forget.

Boom. (I changed he’ll to he’d for grammatical consistency.)

That opening would make me want to read the second part. Which, when you think about it, is the goal of any page of our fiction––get the reader to read the next page.

In this second section we move into Third Person POV. The comic author voice is not completely absent, but the more we get into the Lead’s head the better. Here are some notes:

1. Cut the line He was surrounded by complete and utter darkness.

It’s redundant. And it’s less immediate than the first line. Sol Stein has a little rule he calls 1 + 1 = 1/2. If you use two descriptive lines in a row for the same thing, it doesn’t add to the vividness, it dilutes it. Always go for one gem, not two nuggets.

2. Cut Oh no.

It doesn’t add anything to the rest of the paragraph.

3. Cut that did come forth.

It’s a little odd to think of “zilch” as “coming forth.” Zilch = nothingness, which by definition does not exist. Those four words don’t add anything, so cut them. In fact, this seems to be a point of style this author should be aware of from now on. Be zealous about cutting flab. Learn about RUE (Resist the Urge to Explain). Your writing will improve markedly.

4. Cut the first few words of the third paragraph.

So you don’t have two in a row that begin with His mind.

5. Logic problem: Does this guy still have voice and movement?

Instead of merely bracing himself for a pit bull attack, why isn’t he screaming? What position is he in? Why doesn’t he try to get up?

If speech and movement are not there, give us an indication before you end the page. If he does have speech an movement, use them!

6. Increase reader empathy with a hotter POV at the end.

Empathy is crucially important in an opening like this, where the character is alone and doing nothing else but thinking. We need to ramp up our identification with the character. (If you want to see how a master does it, read Stephen King’s short story “Autopsy Room Four” in his collection Everything’s Eventual.)

You can heat up the menace by going deeper into the Lead’s head and giving him more emotion. This is the part where you, the author, have a lot of freedom, but I’ve gone ahead and provided my own example for you. Emphasis on my own. Filter everything through your own vision and voice. The goal is to increase empathy, get that opening disturbance even more disturbing, and stretch the tension.

Here is my rewrite (in a comic novel, I allow for more exclamation points than usual!):

The first thing he saw when he came to was… nothing.

His mind raced—but not in a in straight line, like a top-fuel dragster. More like a bunch of lame bumper cars bouncing off each other in a ridiculous effort to come up with… something… anything… instead of a big fat zilch.

His gut was talking, though. Loud and clear. Darkness is not your friend! Get out!

He was on his back. A cold, hard slab under him. He tried to move but his arms and legs were dead weight. Uh-oh. Was this one of those caves serial killers love so much? Silence of the Lambs!

He opened his mouth to scream.

Nothing came out. The darkness had invisible hands clutching his throat and tying his stomach in knots.

Come on, think! You’ve got to move …

What was that? A growl?

Pit bull!

Help!

Author, I salute you for attempting a comic novel. They’re very hard to do, and the market for them has always been limited. But every now and then, with the right touch and bravura voice, one breaks through, a la Catch-22, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, and Portnoy’s Complaint.

Maybe yours will, too.

Now it’s your turn, Zoners. What did you think of this first page?

11 thoughts on “Heat Up Point of View for Greater Reader Empathy

  1. I liked this. And I liked the way you critiqued, James. I’m debating on sending something in for any of you to critique. Nice to find someone who doesn’t make fun of you or your writing (had made the mistake of going to something a long time ago and wished I hadn’t. It was awful how they treated new authors.)

    Thanks for posting these!

  2. This brave author is off to a great start. I don’t normally weigh in on the critiques; there are far better teachers than me, but today I’ll add a few minor points.

    The opening line doesn’t work for me. I’d start with the second line. It’s much more enticing and it immediately raises a question in the reader’s mind.

    Remove “he thought.” That’s telling and it’s unnecessary. Simply write: This time would be different.

    Jim gave excellent suggestions. All of which I agree with.

    I’d like to rewrite this paragraph if you don’t mind…
    His mind may have been empty, but his gut was talking to him loud and clear. And it was telling him the pitch-darkness was not his friend. Far from it. Feeling like it had him by the throat, he struggled to breathe. He couldn’t tell how many invisible hands it had, but it must have been at least three—enough to clutch his throat while also tying his stomach in knots.

    My rewrite…
    He gut was screaming. The dark was no one’s friend. Especially his. In fact, ghostly fingers strangled his airway, squeezing the breath from his lungs. He forced open his mouth, but no words escaped.

    A low, guttural roar thundered deep inside someone’s throat. Or–and boy, did he hope he was wrong–some thing’s throat. Probably with long fangs and a head the size of the dumpster behind his building. Why him? Why tonight, of all nights?

    When he whirled toward the noise, his stomach back-flipped. Was that a…a…growl? Now might be a good time to kiss his ass goodbye.

  3. I really liked this excerpt, especially the voice. I liked that the humor didn’t slow down the story. I’ve seen too much focus on humor and not enough on story in so many manuscripts where the author tries to hard to be funny. This writer is funny; the humor feels natural and not forced.

    Agree with the flab comments especially… and learned from them, especially the comment about whether or not something is necessary. Must apply that to my own writing more assiduously.

  4. All of your comments are good, Jim, but for me the real gem is your caution not to use two descriptive lines in a row. That’s a keeper.

  5. I have one suggestion for this brave writer. Avoid overwriting (http://grammar.about.com/od/mo/g/overwritingterm.htm). Sometimes less is more. This is especially true for satire. Consider the words of Polonius in Hamlet: “…brevity is the soul of wit.” (Interestingly enough, the character in the play did was not so brief or witty, but I digress…). How lucky for the author that Mr. Bell kindly offered a sample revision. Notice the word count is considerably lower.

    So, write on, brave writer! (And then, revise.)

  6. This is one of those times when I’m not sure whether I should comment or just let it go. I’m not bothered by the comic aspect. The title reminded me of Jo Nesbo’s Doktor Proktor Fart Powder books for children (very different than his Harry Hole novels!). The light tone of the first few lines led me further down the path of believing this was a children’s book. While I questioned the use of “bugger” for this audience I knew “hell” was right out. Maybe it’s just me and what I brought to my reading of this first page, but I’m still not sure whether or not this intended to be a comic novel for adults or children. With just these words I can see it going either way. As a reader I need a little more info to determine if I’m going down the Dirk Gently or the Doktor Proktor path. Either is fine (for the record I loved Douglas Adams), but right now I’m confused.

  7. I had difficulty finding a story here??? and I the word “flatulence” in the title? I don’t think I would have continued reading. I enjoyed reading the critique that provided more insight and It was very helpful. I do wonder when the flatulence will appear in the story…However I wish the writer the best in reworking this story.

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