Let us welcome our Anonymous du jour today, who has bravely and graciously submitted the beginning of ORIGINS: JOHN SPARTAN (1965) for our First Page Critique:
Father Angelo was lost in a good book and a glass of wine. A fire crackled in the fireplace sending shadows dancing across the walls and ceiling. The winter storm shook the windows and wind howled as lightning tore at the dark skies. It was a bad night to be outdoors. But indoors it was safe, St. Luke’s shrugged the east Virginia storm off like a knight in dark armor. Clad for battle and standing ever vigilant. The Old Brick Church had been standing since 1820.
A knock at his door interrupted his reverie of times past and he called out, “Come in.” Thomas, the resident groundskeeper cradled a sodden bundle in his arms. A basket wrapped in oilskin. Thomas looked like he was confused so Father Angelo motioned him over to the desk as he cleared a place for him to set the bundle down.
“I heard a knock at the vestry door on the south wall Father.” said Thomas. “When I opened the door this was sitting on the stoop. There was no one to be seen. I called out but no one answered me. They left him to us.”
Father Angelo’s eyes widened as he arched a brow, “Him?”
“Yes Father, a baby boy.” said Thomas.
Father Angelo carefully pulled the flap aside and the bluest eyes he had ever seen gazed back at him. The child was swaddled in rough burlap and wool blanketing. He noticed a card in the folds and pulled it out to read it. The card was hand written in precise Greek lettering,ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒΕ.
“What does it say Father?” asked Thomas.
“Molon laveh, it means ‘Come and take it’ in Greek” Father Angelo explained. “When the Persian King Xerxes demanded King Leonidas of Sparta to surrender their weapons at the Battle of Thermopylae King Leonidas replied, “Molon lave! Come take them!”
As he watched the infant he realized the child was not crying but gazing back at him. He sensed an intelligence in the child. There was no fear, only a keen curiosity.
“What do we do Father? How will we take care of him?” asked Thomas
“It appears our little Spartan has planned ahead.” said Father Angelo as he lifted the baby from the basket. Layered inside was bundle upon bundle of US money. More money than he had ever seen in one place.
“Holy cats Father! That will surely keep the little man in milk and diapers!” exclaimed Thomas.
Both men jumped when a white gold ring dropped from the swaddling and rang out in the purest tone as it bounced across the desk then settled into a lazy circle before stopping. The ring was engraved with more Greek symbols inside and out.
How many more mysteries can my heart take tonight? Father Angelo wondered as a bolt of lightning hit just outside followed by a deafening thunder clap. Both men were visibly startled but, the baby simply gazed outside at the ferocity of nature’s fury. There was no fear, only a keen curiosity.
Father Angelo crossed himself as he breathed a prayer.
All right, TKZers. Let’s begin with some general and positive comments. Anonymous gets points here for immediately setting time and place. I’m always surprised at how many authors don’t and make the reader work for it. There is also some good, even impressive, pacing here. I never had the sense that the narrative was flying off in two or three different directions or that too much was being introduced, nor did I feel that things were dragging at any particular point. Anonymous takes a familiar incident — a baby left at a stranger’s door — and plays with it just a bit here. My interest was piqued, and it still is. I hope Anonymous keeps going with this story. I really wanted a second page to pop up.
Are there areas for improvement? Sure. There are a couple of speed bumps — as opposed to potholes — in the narrative which slow things down just a bit (as opposed to breaking the story’s axle) and which can easily be fixed. There are also a couple of other problems which are easily correctable with a proofreader and a dictionary. I additionally have a suggestion for an addition which might make the story more interesting. Let’s proceed.
SPEEDBUMPS: These occur in the first paragraph, interestingly enough. The sentences for the most part are terrific but they’re (mostly) in the wrong order. ORIGINS were a movie the camera would be cutting in and out of what I am assuming is Father Angelo’s rectory (we’re never really told). Remember the opening lyrics to the song “Let It Snow.” It begins by telling us that it’s frightful outside but delightful inside. If you reverse those, it doesn’t work quite as well. I suggest taking the readers by the hand and leading them from outside to inside. While doing that, tell us just a bit about where “inside” is, and, oh yeah…don’t use the same noun twice (“storm”) in this short paragraph. I’m suggesting something like this, with my additions in boldface:
St. Luke’s shrugged the east Virginia storm off like a knight in dark armor. The building known as “The Old Brick Church” had been standing since 1820, clad for battle and standing ever vigilant.The winter squall shook the windows and wind howled as lightning tore at the dark skies. It was a bad night to be outdoors, but indoors it was safe. A fire crackled in the fireplace of the rectory den, sending shadows dancing across the walls and ceiling, while Father Angelo relaxed, lost in a good book and a glass of wine.
Also…Anonymous, please frame the scene, just a bit. please tell us if it’s snowing or raining. It can do either during the winter in eastern Virginia. As those of us in Ohio know well, it can lightning and thunder during a snowstorm. Please also describe the rectory den or living room where Father Angelo is relaxing. Thomas is later going to be directed to set the bundle on “the desk.” What desk? Have Father Angelo direct Thomas to a large antique rolltop desk, a partner’s desk, or something/anything like that so that we can get a better sense of what the scene look like.
Errors — Some proofreading is in order. Take it from the World’s Worst Proofreader (me). I’m counting several, most involving the omission of a comma where there should be one. The most obvious ones occur when Thomas is speaking to Father Angelo. “I heard a knock at the vestry door on the south wall, Father,” “What do we do, Father?” and “Holy cats, Father!” to name but three. There are others, involving missing commas, misplaced commas and a run-on sentence or two. Get someone to proofread for you with special attention to punctuation. Oh, and in case anyone is wondering, Thomas does not say “Father” too often. It was as common in the 1960s to say “Father” in every sentence directed to a priest as it is to say “SIR!” in the Marines.
— molon laveh, molon lave, molon labe: I don’t want to get into a “you say tomato, I say tomahto” discussion but Anonymous spells “molon labe” two different ways here, “molon laveh ” and “molon lave”. The correct English spelling in English is “molon labe.” The pronunciation in attic Greek would be “molon labe” with a hard ‘b’; in modern Greek it would be “molon lave,” which may be what Anonymous is trying to convey. Spelling aside, I think that Father Angelo would correctly use the attic Greek pronunciation, given that he was describing Leonidas’ response to Xerxes, which was spoken well over two millennia ago. Also, Anonymous should be italicizing “molon labe” in the manuscript. Did I spend too much time on that? Maybe, but there are folks out there who will climb straight up your backside over that particular error. Anonymous gets points for spelling the phrase correctly when using Greek lettering.
— Anonymous uses sentence fragments occasionally. I think that these are stylistically deliberate, rather than grammatical errors. Cormac McCarthy, to name but one, utilizes fragments to great effect. These would be fine, all other things being equal, I found them to be a bit of a distraction but that says more about my own preference than anything else.
Suggestions — Consider a Prologue, describing how Little John would up on the church doorstep. Give us a bit of insight into the thoughts of the person who left him there. You can also describe how really, really, frigging cold it can get at night during a Virginia winter.
— There’s no need to go overboard at all on this but perhaps a bit of a description of Father Angelo and Thomas would be in order. I had no problem visualizing either, since I was practicing Catholic during the time period, but some of the readers might.
— St. Luke’s is a real church in a real place. You may want to consider using a fictitious church with a different name in a similar location which people might recognize as St. Luke’s but which won’t be specifically identified as St. Luke’s. That way you can avoid having a notice of excommunication nailed on your door!
Thank you, Anonymous, for submitting your work. Be not discouraged, but encouraged. This story has good bones and you have a great sense of pacing. I also detect a great story on the way. I hope you’ll let us see it when it’s complete. Good luck!
As for our readers: does ORIGINS: JOHN SPARTAN pique your interest? Were you disappointed that there weren’t more pages? Do you have any additional suggestions?
Hell’s Bells, I’d read this book as it stands, few clunks that there are. 80% of what I get from the library goes back. I rarely get to the bottom of the first page.
And Joe, would I love to have you critting my work! What a role model for critique/editing. If this is a mystery, maybe a prologue. OTOH, if it’s fantasy, better to just let it rip.
Anonymous, I’m @MorgynStar if you’re looking for a reader.
Morgyn, I was going to sit back and be (uncharacteristically) quiet during this particular discussion but I have to give you a major “thank you” for your comment regarding me. You’re easy to please. Thanks also for participating.
What I miss here is a sense of the humanity of Father Angelo. He reacts to the startling discovery without any emotion. He takes time for a history lesson, and then refers to “our little Spartan” as if this were a common occurrence. As a result, there is no character to bond with here, which is MAIN TASK of a first page (this is true even for a prologue character who doesn’t return). Give Father Angelo a roiling crisis inside, a resistance, a fear, a ghost from his past…and then have him work through a baby-on-the-doorstep moment the way WE would, with all sorts of cross-currents.
Get us into Father Angelo’s head! And make that exclusive. There’s a POV hop here:
How many more mysteries can my heart take tonight?Father Angelo wondered as a bolt of lightning hit just outside followed by a deafening thunder clap. Both men were visibly startled but, the baby simply gazed outside at the ferocity of nature’s fury. There was no fear, only a keen curiosity.
See how we went from inside Father Angelo’s head (the internal thought) to an omniscient POV (both men were visibly startled; the baby simply gazed)? Stick with what the POV character can see, sense, feel.
Exercise: Try writing 250 words, free form, of just the inside of Father Angelo, his thoughts, what he feels, what he is afraid of, what happened ten minutes before this scene began that fills him with fear (which is why he’s hitting the wine!) Then take the best parts of this exercise and put them in the first couple of paragraphs, before and after he sees the baby.
I want to be MORE interested in Father Angelo (at this point) than the baby.
I agree 100%. Right now it feels like a prologue to an DaVinci Code installment and not necessarily in a good way. It feels like a prologue and the next chapter will have the heading “Los Angeles – Present Day.”
I would like to recommend “The Trinity Game” by Sean Chercover to Anonymous. He does a great job endearing me to the priest main character as I’m pulled into the story.
And, I’ve been playing with The Knock-Out Novel program. I’ll confess, I’d forgotten I had it. Now, suddenly, I have the first act of what I hope will be a NaNo project outlined.
My first “pothole” came at the end of the second paragraph~ “…St. Luke’s shrugged the east Virginia storm off like a knight in dark armor. Clad for battle and standing ever vigilant. The Old Brick Church had been standing since 1820.” ~ the repetition of “standing” (could be my OCD-ness).
I’d consider a mash-up of these two sentences along the lies of:
Indoors, though, it was safe. St. Luke’s, the Old Brick Church, shrugged the east Virginia storm off like a knight in dark armor, clad for battle and standing ever vigilant since 1820.
(Personally, I’d’ve picked a more “arbitrary” sounding date, say 1823 or 1819… But that’s just me).
🙂
Otherwise, where’s page 2?
And is the date important? If not, how about “stood for centuries.”
I’m intrigued and would definitely be on to page two.
Joe, I think your revision suggestion for the first paragraph does a great job of smoothing out a couple of rough spots as well as seamlessly revealing needed details. Excellent imo. Your other suggestions seem on target to me as well.
My impression is that this is a prologue of sorts. This feels like the reveal of the origin of our mysterious infant protagonist and perhaps establishes the setting and characters that will help shape him as he grows. JSB’s suggestions on revealing more of the priest and his make-up (as well as maintaining the close POV) will also reflect on John Spartan.
There are a few little things as alluded to by Joe/others that are ‘bumps’ for me. The priest is identified as reading so the knock on the door does not interrupt his “reveries of times past”. The line describing “keen curiosity” in the infant is repeated – for me identifying keen curiosity in an infant in a glance pulls me out a bit. Repeating it increased the effect.
For me this opening introduces a unique and mysterious protagonist. No doubt the fascinating and dramatic aspects of how he came to be deposited at the church will come to light as the story progresses. Engaging. Intriguing. Mysterious. With Joe’s suggested revision and the others’ observations I think this is really is a great opening. Congratulations – huge potential.
PS – I want to echo Morgyn’s appreciation of the deft manner and sensibility evident in Joe’s critique . Another example of the talent and effort the TKZ faculty regularly share. Great educational content. Thank you all.
Thank you, Tom for your kind comment. I’ve learned much from my fellow TKZers.
It seems that some of the comments are like picking pepper out of fly s__t. But the author should take this as a great compliment. It is a great work. I would read this far into the manuscript then press the ‘buy’ button on my Kindle account.
Never heard that one about picking the pepper, Brian. A tip of the fedora to you! Can I use that line?
Of course. It’s an old Texas saying
He lost me at the “it was a dark and stormy night” intro. I persevered, however, a few more sentences, but quit reading because of the typo overload.
Good afternoon, Joe.
Sorry I’m late to the party.
I agree with the comments above. Your critique was outstanding, with many teaching moments. It’s why I come back to TKZ day after day. And I agree with Morgyn. It would be wonderful to have you critiquing my work. If you ever decide to start a central Ohio writers group, I’m in.
And as for the first page of Origins: John Spartan (1965): My humble opinion is that I was impressed. I think it is better than most first page submissions we see here. And I was definitely drawn into the story, looking for page two. I hope Anonymous will notify the TKZ community when it is published.
Thanks, Joe, for the teaching.
Steve, thank you once again. You’re very kind. I’m humbled to receive this praise from someone of your stature. And you’re never late; the party never stops at TKZ!
Yes on the above comments about repetition.
As he watched the infant he realized the child was not crying but gazing back at him. He sensed an intelligence in the child. There was no fear, only a keen curiosity.
Both men were visibly startled but, the baby simply gazed outside at the ferocity of nature’s fury. There was no fear, only a keen curiosity.
So, the baby is keenly curious. Okay. No, not okay.
And ferocity of fury?
Have some faith in the reader. We’ve all seen epic storms. A few cues is all that’s needed. You don’t need to tell me and tell me.
And this passage is a lot of “tell.”
As he watched the infant he realized the child was not crying but gazing back at him. He sensed an intelligence in the child. There was no fear, only a keen curiosity. (and too many “child”)
Instead of fright, Father Angelo found only intelligence and curiosity in the child’s wide blue eyes. (or whatever color.)
Well done overall. Biblical conspiracy are some of my fav books.
Terri
Here a few notes for you:
1. Punctuation and mechanics seem to be a problem. For me, the errors were very distracting. Examples:
“But indoors it was safe, St. Luke’s shrugged the east Virginia storm off like a knight in dark armor.”
Two sentence cannot be joined with a comma. Make two sentences or use a semicolon.
“A knock at his door interrupted his reverie of times past and he called out, ‘Come in.'”
Try this instead:
A knock at his door interrupted his reverie. “Come in,” he called out.
“Father Angelo carefully pulled the flap aside and the bluest eyes he had ever seen gazed back at him.”
When two independent clauses are separated by “and,” a comma should be used. This is an error that keeps cropping up in your writing. I’ll leave it to you to find the others.
“Both men were visibly startled but, the baby simply gazed outside at the ferocity of nature’s fury.”
Here you put a comma after the word “but” when it belongs before it.
“As he watched the infant he realized the child was not crying but gazing back at him.”
Here you need a comma between the dependent clause and the independent clause.
Work on mastering the basics. A copy of Strunk and White might be helpful. There are more errors than the ones I listed. Be sure to have your work edited by a professional.
2. I feel you need to do more to make the reader bond with Father Angelo. Mr. Bell gave some excellent suggestion about how to fix this.
3. There are lots of places where you need to show rather than tell. Some examples:
“Both men were visibly startled…”
“Thomas looked like he was confused…”
4. “Both men jumped when a white gold ring dropped from the swaddling and rang out in the purest tone as it bounced across the desk then settled into a lazy circle before stopping.”
Here you give us the reaction to what happened before you tell us what happened.
5. “It was a bad night to be outdoors. But indoors it was safe…”
If the wind is howling, etc., you can assume the reader will assume it’s a bad night to be outdoors.
6. “Holy cats Father! That will surely keep the little man in milk and diapers!” exclaimed Thomas.
I’d get rid of the “exclaimed Thomas” here. The dialogue tag is not needed. The word “exclaimed” stands out too much here.
7. “Baby on the doorstep” openings are popular. Is there a way to make yours a little different?
The story has possibilities, but there is work to be done. It’s important to master the mechanics of writing, because many people would not continue reading something that requires so much editing. Best of luck!
“excellent suggestion” should read “excellent suggestions”
I’m not here to critique the story’s first page submission, I’ll leave that to the experts. But as a reader, I am hooked! The writer has given me enough to continue to the next page and take this journey. Well done!
Fire crackled and wind howled didn’t sit well. Too clichésish maybe? I’m sure another edit/rewrite wouldn’t hurt. But with that being said, another thumbs up for the story. I wanted to flip the page.
Thank you so much to each and all who took the time today to visit our First Page Critique, and an additional tip of the porkpie to those who added (and will add) their own comments and suggestions.
Anonymous…you have quite a bit to work with here, thanks to our readers. Thank you for putting yourself and your work out there. Good luck with this and future efforts!
Is that first sentence (“Father Angelo was lost in a good book and a glass of wine.”) an intentional or accidental syllepsis? “She lowered her standards by raising her glass/Her courage, her eyes—and his hopes.” (Flanders and Swann) Not quite a syllepsis, but there’s something that doesn’t seem right to me about the conjunction of those two figures of speech.
Maybe it’s just that “lost … in a glass of wine” doesn’t work as a figure of speech for me, while “lost in a good book” seems a bit of a cliche.
I could imagine an alcoholic as “lost in a glass of wine,” but it would still seem awkward in conjunction with “lost in a good book.”
What book is Father Angelo reading? Knowing this could help us get to know him. Is he reading it for work or for fun? “Lost” in it suggests it’s his recreational reading. With enough wine, however, I could maybe get lost in Aristotle or St. Thomas.
Sounds like a good story. There weren’t many babies on doorsteps any more in 1965, I would guess, so that’s intriguing. And the Greek connection. And the money.
IMHO
Joe’s critique of this interesting story was, I believe, helpful to all writers. I liked this story and its potential. I hope the author makes the necessary changes, especially the rewrite of the first paragraph by Joe. Good luck!
Thank you, Frances. I’m glad you found it helpful!