Today we’re reviewing a first page submission titled CHECKS AND BALANCES. I’ll add my comments at the end. Then, I invite you to add your constructive feedback in the Comments.
CHECKS AND BALANCES
The Peak District, Year Eight of the First Lord and Eternal Blessed First Lady’s Glorious Regime. June.
I pushed through the ranks of stern-faced men and women dressed in combat trousers and canvas jackets until I reached David.
“Good of you to finally join us, Melanie.” Without another word, he set out hacked CCTV feed to show Somerset House from the Strand.
The elegant arches and columns of the Regime’s headquarters formed a stark contrast to this utilitarian network of abandoned mines. I dutifully studied the armed soldiers guarding the archway and the helicopters hovering above the courtyard, but the larger-than-life portraits that dominated the façade demanded my attention.
Honour the First Lord demanded the painting on the left, above an image of a striking man in replica nineteenth-century military uniform. Remember the Eternal Blessed First Lady mourned its companion on the right-hand side. Its subject appeared as fragile and innocent as a rococo shepherdess, but my co-conspirators considered her a she-devil in life and their most high-profile victim in death.
“There’ve been too many deaths, too many prisoners. We need to stop the Regime once and for all,” David intoned. Years of outdoor living had given him the muscles and hearty glow he could only have dreamt of in his old life as an academic. When he spoke, people listened.
I ignored him.
My eyes lingered on the second portrait until its features blurred. Until I was content that the so-called Eternal Bless First Lady’s curves, red lips and Dior gown bore no resemblance to my soldier’s body and weather-beaten face. The Treaty camp didn’t possess a mirror, but I could well imagine the changes wrought by five years of camping in the peaks and hiding in mines, wracked by cold, hunger, and the constant fear of discovery. Besides, Marianne Helmsley’s defining feature had always been her Rapunzel curls, and I’d cropped my hair to the skull the night I fled to the Treaty.
No one had recognized me before. No one would recognize me now. If there was one thing both sides agreed on, it was that the dictator’s wife was dead.
My Comments
No doubt the writer has a strong mental image of everything that’s happening in this first page, but that image wasn’t conveyed cLeary enough for me as a reader to get oriented within the scene. I needed more of a sense of the physical context in which the scene is taking place. For example, the early reference to “hacked CCTV feed” made me assume that the characters are viewing everything else that is being described that described on a monitor or screen of some sort, but I wasn’t certain.
Grounding and Context
The second paragraph refers to “Somerset House On The Strand,” followed immediately by a reference to “the Regime’s headquarters.” By those places are contrasted with “this utilitarian network of abandoned mines,” I was floundering at sea.
Eccentric Language Creates Confusion
I kept stumbling over some unusual language and word choices.
For example, in the following line
Honour the First Lord demanded the painting on the left
I wasn’t sure if the writer intended to use the verb “demanded” as written here, or simply made a mistake. The next line only exacerbated my confusion by injecting a convoluted character name (“Remember the Eternal Blessed First Lady”), along with another eccentric verb choice.
Remember the Eternal Blessed First Lady mourned its companion on the right-hand side.
As a general rule, it’s best to avoid the over-use of confusing, idiosyncratic language. For example, the following introductory framing line struck me as unintentionally humorous:
Eternal Blessed First Lady’s Glorious Regime. June.
It reminded me of the mockumentary film “Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan”. (Which is probably not the tone that the writer had in mind!)
A Part Well Done: A Snappy KIck-off
I did like the deft way the author kicked out of the scene at the end of the page.
If there was one thing both sides agreed on, it was that the dictator’s wife was dead.
That line gave me the first strong clue about the situation being presented in this story: a military dictator’s wife forced to go incognito within a hostile environment. That’s an intriguing setup for a story. (Update: See Sheryl’s suggestion in the Comments to use this line as the first line of the story–it’s a great idea!)
Writing as Telepathy
Writing is telepathy, Stephen King once said. The writer of CHECKS AND BALANCES needs to make sure that the reader can “see” the images that are playing inside the story creator’s mind. It’s not an easy task, to be sure–but that’s the challenge of writing effectively.
A big thank you to today’s brave writer for submitting this first page! Please add your feedback in the Comments.
I, too, really liked the kicker at the end. In fact, I’m wondering if there’s a way to start the story there, i.e., set that up somehow in the first paragraph.
This would set up the story question immediately, and give the writer a chance to build conflict into the scene right from the get-go… because otherwise the scene lacks any conflict and feels like world-building. Better to make something happen, and while it’s happening, slip in the world-building stuff.
If the writer had used the suggested set-up, I definitely would have read further.
As for the unusual word choices, that feels, to me, as though the writer is trying too hard. My suggestion is to simply write the story without trying so hard, i.e., to let your natural voice shine through.. That said, it takes time to find your voice, but it’s worth relaxing a bit, to focus more on the story and to make sure it’s clear to the reader. In my view, clarity is just about the most important “rule,” although even that guideline can be broken sometimes (to create humor, for example.)
If you look at stories that sell, the actual writing doesn’t seem to matter that much to the general reader. The story is King. If you remember that, you’ll be able to relax until you find your voice. (Which doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t care about the writing. Of course, you should, for the benefit of professionalism and your own pride and other writers, but it’s too easy at the beginning to focus too much on the words and not enough on the story.)
My two cents.
GREAT idea about starting the scene with the last line, Sheryl! It’d be an excellent first line for jumping into the story. Thank you so much for adding that!
Totally agree – this would be a great way to start the scene! I also think that with any story that requires detailed world building the reader has to get grounded in that world immediately (with concrete images, sights and smells etc.) – otherwise a reader truly is at sea.
My first question is what happened to the former academic David? If he’s that important to the opening, why did he disappear from the rest of the first page (unless the Regime “disappeared” him?)?
I didn’t have an issue with the posters/portraits “demanding/mourning” (though maybe a better word choice could be found/made for the latter)~ I got the “Big Brother” back story of the Regime pretty quickly with those two “images”.
The tension of the character’s secret identity is intriguing enough to make want to turn the page, though.
(And I’m glad this story didn’t open with telepathy ~ not my usual cuppa joe)
🙂
I agree that we need to get more of a sense of interaction between the two character in this scene, George–thanks for joining the discussion today!
I have to say, I stumbled a bit until I got to the last 4 paragraphs. It was starting with heavy description, even if you discount some of the distancing word choices.
If I am “getting it right” the academic guy is the one talking to her and giving her the “tour” and he is somehow responsible for or part of her and her husband’s take down?
If so I LOVE the idea of starting at the end – the last line – then him talking to her about the pictures and her mentioning she is the picture. That would set up conflict, questions, and intrigue sooner, and then maybe give the author a little more breathing room for needed description. Those last four pieces are what caught my attention and made me wonder and want more.
Don’t forget, author, many of us have been on this chopping block… these are only thoughts and suggestions from fellow authors and readers, take them with love, but you always need to stay true to your idea and trust your gut. Sometimes one of these different views or ideas can shine the light on something maybe you were unsure of, or on a stunner you could possibly bring out.
Thanks for submitting. (We all learn best by doing… and re-doing.)
I really liked this. With the already stated caveats about some minor confusion (ie the CC feed thing) and the Borat-esque titles, which DO border on satire, and a couple of easily fixed hiccups (Use “said” instead of “intoned” because the words should convey the gravity of the moment).
I really liked the way the writer introduced the two characters (and only two!), with spare but nice details. We learned a lot about David (and what this dystopian world has wrought) in just this line: “Years of outdoor living had given him the muscles and hearty glow he could only have dreamt of in his old life as an academic.” Things have really changed in this world. (But rethink “hardy glow” because a man fighting for his life outdoors wouldn’t look like an Old Spice commercial).
But I really like how the writer has quickly sketched in Melanie, who I assume is going to be the protag: Describing her appearance with a nice compare and contrast with the portrait ie the chopped hair and weather-worn skin. (Again, this also tells us about what kind of world we are entering.) But I really love this exchange:
When he spoke, people listened.
I ignored him.
Ha! Tells me a lot about him — and more about her. I want to know this woman.
And I am going to be a dissenting voice on moving up that last graph. I love it as a kicker…it really brought a smile to my face by surprising me AFTER I had made other assumptions about the heroine. I’d leave it just where it is.
Nice job, writer.
The writer would be wise to take Kris’s advice about the first line–thanks for jumping in with your comments, Kris!
I think that line COULD be an opening as well, Kathryn. Just a matter of style and taste! It’s just that I think we sometimes over-think the first line, trying too hard to make it carry the whole weight of suspense when a slower build, like this one, can be just as effective, as long as it pays off…and not too late. I think this works in that regard.
I think Kathryn gave an excellent critique.
A few comments:
When I read the setting details (The Stand, Somerset House, The Peak District), I immediately thought of England, but the line about “abandoned mines” will definitely cause confusion for those unfamiliar with the area. A Google search uncovered some interesting photography of abandoned places in The Peak District (https://jamesroddie.com/abandoned-places-of-the-peak-district/) and abandoned mines in England (http://www.urbanghostsmedia.com/2015/05/10-abandoned-collieries-mines-quarries-great-britain/). Bear in mind, though, that most readers aren’t going to use Google if there’s confusion on the first page.
“Honour the First Lord demanded the painting on the left, above an image of a striking man in replica nineteenth-century military uniform. Remember the Eternal Blessed First Lady mourned its companion on the right-hand side.” These sentences were confusing for the reasons Kathryn already mentioned. Aim for clarity here. Sometimes “Eternal Bless” is used. Other times “Eternal Blessed” is used. Consistency can also help to eliminate confusion.
I agree with PJ’s comments about the characters. Good stuff. I also agree that the last line should stay right where it is.
This is the beginning of a really nice story, but I’d give the reader a little bit of information about the abandoned mines in the area. (Sometimes a well-placed sentence or two of backstory is needed for clarity.) Maybe simplify the language a little bit (as Kathryn wisely suggested). It can be tempting to “overwrite” a little bit on the first draft, but using simpler language can help to ground the reader.
Very nice, and good luck with your revisions!
I totally agree with Kris on the excellent, spare characterization. Beautiful job setting up both back stories, hinting at their enmity, and delineating personalities w/o slowing forward momentum.
As always, Kathryn and others offer solid advice to clear up confusion.
Here’s a possible start:
I pushed through the drab makeshift village surrounded by abandoned mines. Stern-faced people in combat fatigues stared as I made my way to David at the front of the crowd.
“Good of you to finally join us, Melanie,” he said, then started the hacked CCTV feed. Video of the Somerset House from the Strand flickered on the screen above our heads.
I dutifully tried to study the elegant arches and columns of the Regime’s headquarters, armed soldiers guarding the entrance, helicopters hovering above. But my attention instead focused on the two gigantic portraits emblazoned on the building’s façade.
In the left portrait, the First Lord wore a replica 19th century military uniform. His striking features and haughty expression commanded the observer to honor him. On the right, the Eternal Blessed First Lady looked as fragile and innocent as a rococo shepardess, but my co-conspirators considered her a she-devil in life and their most high-profile victim since her death.
The premise is terrific–dictator’s wife turned rebel who must remain incognito. I’m going to keep reading.
What held me in this piece was the tone. As soon as editing fixes some of the confusing language and issues, like: was it a striking image or a striking man, then I think the flow will carry a good story and the words will disappear.
I also like the concept of the dictator’s wife. Once you get to that point in the story, I forget everything that went before. I want to know about her. Give me that other stuff later.
Good job. Thanks for sharing.
I had problems with this. It was so problematic that I eventually gave up and just started skimming. “Without another word, he set out hacked CCTV feed…” What? Like canapes? This sentence needs work. “…larger-than-life portraits that dominated the façade demanded my attention. NP Honour the First Lord demanded the painting… Remember the Eternal Blessed First Lady mourned its companion…” This bit didn’t make any sense to me. I was initially thinking these were the paintings/portraits, and that the sentences were constructed poorly. It wasn’t until I read the comments that I realized that these were potentially character names. Potentially, as in rereading the passage I still don’t quite see it, but others do. I agree with others above: the last line is the best line. It sets the premise. IMO the premise is workable, but it needs serious work.
I agree with Kathryn’s assessment. I have one other thing to add that struck me in this writing, and I can’t decide if it is or isn’t a mockery of the story or of David. Here’s what I mean (if you strike through some text like so, it wouldn’t be as mocking):
“There’ve been too many deaths, too many prisoners. We need to stop the Regime
once and for all,” David intoned. Years of outdoor living had given himthemuscles and a hearty glowhe could only have dreamt of in his old life as an academic. When he spoke, people listened.I ignored him.
How can the writer effectively indicate that she “ignored him” when she gave enough knowledge about his “muscles and hearty glow”? That doesn’t give me a clear picture of ignoring someone, but if the exchange were in a separate paragraph I could relate better:
Years of outdoor living had given him the muscles and hearty glow he could only have dreamt of in his old life as an academic.
When he spoke, people listened. I ignored him.
I had to read through this very carefully because parts of it were confusing to me. I did really like that last sentence and could visualize it as the opening line. I felt the story had potential.