RAILS Critique

RAILS: First Page Critique
Enoch grumbled through his mustache. His head jerked left and right, looking for a parking spot around Canaan Height’s town hall. Deputy Hollis Wolford stepped into the street, flashing the flat of his hand, slowing us to a stop.

“Head over to the church’s lot. Ain’t no parking here.”

Tobacco juice stained a corner of Hollis’s mouth, his finger barreling toward the Methodist church. I couldn’t help but focus on his lazy eye, the right one. When he looked toward the church, the eye drifted elsewhere.

“Have to wonder how he got into the sheriff’s department,” I said after we parked. I grabbed a fan, the one with Jesus praying in the Garden of Gethsemane. I didn’t expect it to help, being July and with hot-heads gathering at the hall.

Enoch rushed me along the sidewalk. “C’mon, woman. We’re missing the Ol’ Time Bloomers Raiders.”

“Pshaw. They haven’t sung any new songs since John Polk passed two years ago.”

He steered me around a cluster of men milling near the door. “Airplane crashes killed many a great song writer. Buddy Holly, Patsy Cline, Cowboy Copas,” he said.

A row of chairs showed two vacant seats. Helen Lipscomb sat in front of them. I took a deep breath before surging ahead. “At least John made a respectable exit. The others could learn from him.”

We clambered through a line of legs, offering “Excuse mes” and “Pardon mes.” Enoch settled in his seat as I leaned over and whispered in Helen’s ear.

“Who’s minding the restaurant?”

Perspiration beaded on her forehead. “Laurel. Thought you’d be here. Deloris’s running things. Hopefully, not into the ground.” Years of smoking gave her a raspy voice. She chuckled at her own joke, causing a coughing spasm.

“Fat chance. With this crowd here, your daughter’s probably sitting alone.”

Her nose sniffed the air. “They paint the hall recently?”

Paint cans and drop cloths gathered at the platform’s base, left by careless caretakers. I tilted my head in their direction. “As they say, ‘A good paint job covers a multitude of tales.’”

“If that’s true, more than the hall needs painting.”

My Critique
Overall, the author’s voice is unique and I can picture a western setting here. However, I need more thoughts and identity on the main character. Establish that the protagonist is a female right up front. I’d like to be in her head and learn her attitude toward this meeting. And what’s she wearing? Have her smooth down her dress or skirt or whatever.

Also, the setting isn’t clear. Is this modern day or the past? Western U.S.? You’ve established that it’s July, so that’s good.

Now for some particulars:
In the first paragraph, you have Enoch’s head jerking around and then looking for something. Change sentence to read: He jerked his head…

Then you change viewpoints with the Deputy. Start a new paragraph there.

Slowing us to a stop? Who’s us? The viewpoint character is unclear.
Better to read like this:

Enoch grumbled through his mustache. He jerked his head left and right, looking for a parking spot around Canaan Height’s town hall.

Deputy Hollis Wolford stepped into the street, flashing the flat of his hand, slowing us to a stop.
“Head over to the church’s lot. Ain’t no parking here.” Tobacco juice stained a corner of Hollis’s mouth, his finger barreling toward the Methodist church.

I couldn’t help but focus on his lazy eye, the right one. When he looked toward the church, the eye drifted elsewhere.

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I like the speaker (Relation to Enoch?) grabbing a fan and the references to July and the hot heads in the town hall. Oh, then we find out she’s a woman. Make this clear up front.

You don’t need the “he said” in the paragraph beginning with “He steered.” It’s clear who is speaking: “…Cowboy Copas,” he said.

Careless caretaker: Can you change the adjective?

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In general, it’s an interesting start but I think the action skips ahead a little too much with not enough setup regarding the protagonist or the location. Sometimes we’re a bit too eager to get to the action. In this case, I’d rather you slow down and show me more insights into who these people are and where they are.

9 thoughts on “RAILS Critique

  1. I agree with all your points, Nancy. I like the voice and original feel of the sample. There seemed to be a cast of thousands that may need a score card, but overall I think this is a talented writer and would read on.

  2. There’s a good voice here that is, I think, unduly hampered by some minor things. With a bit of touching up this could get us into a character we’re really interested in. I also want to know pretty quick what’s at stake for the narrator. Why is this incident important to her?

    My confusion starts with the first paragraph. It’s written in 3d Person POV up until the pronoun tells us we’re in First Person. It causes a little “speed bump” and I had to get reoriented.

    The simple fix is to start with the correct POV. Put the last sentence of that paragraph up top.

    The first line of dialogue has no attribution, so I don’t know who’s talking. It could be any one of the three characters. Because of the next paragraph, I assume it’s Enoch, but it was another speed bump. Again, a simple fix is to put it this way:

    Tobacco juice stained a corner of Hollis’s mouth, his finger barreling toward the Methodist church. “Head over to the church’s lot. Ain’t no parking here.”

    One other little speed bump note is grammatical. If the town is Canaan Heights, as I assume it is, then the possessive apostrophe is in the wrong place. Should be Heights’s. Editors notice these things, and while it’s not fatal, that bump that takes just a little bit away from the immersive experience we’re trying to create. I don’t really like the s’s possessive form. You could say the town hall of Canaan Heights. It’s a bit bulkier, but it works. (And why choose, later on, Deloris’s instead of Deloris is? In this case the attempt to establish a colloquialism just gets in the way).

    I also got held up by this: We clambered through a line of legs. “through” is the wrong word in this context. “past” perhaps.

    I do like the specificity of some of the details, like the fan. The paint cans and drop cloths are also good to note, though “gathered” seems like a present tense action. Perhaps “marred the platform’s base” would work better.

    I was also puzzled by the saying “A good paint job coves a multitude of tales.” I tried to find that phrase on Google and couldn’t. The quotation, of course, is from the Bible and should be “multitude of sins.” Wouldn’t it be a little sharper, and funnier, in both the saying and the response, if it was “As they say, ‘A good paint job covers a multitude of sins.'” ?

    Again, a good strong voice lurking here. Without the bumps, it will come through sharper and clearer. But do get us into why this scene matters to narrator, and then I’d advise finding a way to push that as close to the beginning as possible.

  3. The writer could start with the dialogue. Consider:

    “Head over to the church lot. Ain’t no parkin’ here, ma’am (or whatever your character’s name is, but get an identifier in here somehow).” Deputy Hollis Wolford still had his hand up from flagging us down as he stood in the middle of (give this street a name).

    Sitting beside me, Enoch grumbled through his mustache.

    Parking around Canaan Heights Town Hall was full up. I noticed the tobacco juice stain on a corner of Hollis’s mouth while his finger barreled toward Our Lady of Peace (or some other churchy sounding name). My eyes couldn’t help but wonder up his face, to his right eye, the lazy one. When he looked toward the church, it (use a pronoun, no need to keep saying “the eye”) drifted elsewhere.”

    Also, it might be possible to all but eliminate the gerund phrase offering “Excuse mes” and “Pardon mes” and simply put “Excuse me…pardon me.” But that’s nitpicking. What’s there is fine. And I wouldn’t have gone with Her nose sniffed the air. I prefer just She sniffed. The sarcasm in the “good paint job” line was nice. Keep it.

    Now, contrary to the other reviews, I don’t find the voice here particularly unique. The situation certainly is original. And the dialect in the dialogue is believable, save for the fact that most people who use ain’t also drop the g’s on the end of their gerunds (parkin’, runnin’, etc). But the narration itself is fairly pedestrian. Talk to me. Let’s have a conversation, me and your protag. We’re in her car, and she’s recounting the tale. Oh Lawdy! That Hollis, with his lazy ass eye! Give me more personalization, author. Make your narrator stand out not just for what she notices, but how she notices it. You did it once with Hollis’ lazy eye, sort of. But more of it will definitely draw an agent or editor’s attention.

    Semi-noir first person POV’s are like Kardashians these days. They’re everywhere. Be a breed apart by really clasping the audience to your narrator’s bosom.

  4. I will admit to saying “Pshaw!” on several occasions, although I must say add that “Fnyork!” and “Hehrump!” are just as likely to be used similar situations.

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