By John Gilstrap
Good morning, everyone. Now that you’ve had a chance to mingle and meet, let’s take our seats and get started. Welcome to the first annual Good Guy Professional Development conference. Mr. Grave, Mr. Rapp and Mr. Harvath, I need you to leave your weapons at the check station. You, too, Mr. Massey. Yes, all of them. Mr. al-Jawadi will take good care of them.
Mr. Rapp, I don’t appreciate that kind of talk here. Not all . . . Okay, apology accepted.
I’d like to offer a special welcome to President Ryan. It’s a real honor, sir. And congratulations on your son’s success as well. I think we all can agree that the world is a much safer—
Excuse me. Yes, Mr. Pitt? Because they’re Secret Service agents, that’s why. They are the single exception to the no weapons rule. Surely this makes sense to you. I thought it would. Thank you.
Moving along, this morning’s agenda includes—
Oh, good God. Who’s pounding on the door? Oh. Just ignore her, and maybe she’ll go away. What? No, I’m not being sexist. Jessica Fletcher is not welcome in any gathering that I run. Certainly not where food or tea is being served. It’s just not worth the risk.
Who locked the doors, anyway? Ah. And why did you do that, Inspector Poirot? Uh huh. I see. Well, technically, Inspector, there’s more than one killer in this room. Quite a lot more than one, actually. We don’t need a locked room, thanks. It’s a fire code violation.
Mr. Lockwood and Mr. Pike, please sit down. I don’t need your help. And Inspector Poirot does not “talk funny,” as you say. He’s Belgian. And meaning no offense, why are you two here in the first place? This conference is for lead characters. A sidekick conference is in the planning stages . . . My apologies, Mr. Pike, you’re absolutely right. I’d forgotten. You’re welcome to stay. But Mr. Lockwood—may I call you Win? All right, then, Mr. Lockwood, I need to ask you to leave.
Getting back to the agenda, we’ve got a lot of ground to cover, beginning with a panel presented by Clark Kent and Bruce Wayne discussing the difficulties of living a dual life. That will be moderated by Peter Parker.
I see you, Mr. Bolitar. Please put the laser pointer down. The red dot on my chest is certainly a riot, but it’s distracting. Thank you.
The dual life panel will be followed by a technical workshop called “How to Get 500 Rounds Out Of A 30-Round Magazine Without Reloading.” That will be jointly taught by two of my favorite Johns: John “Hannibal” Smith, and John Rambo.
Our luncheon speaker is the ever-entertaining Captain Ahab, whose keynote is titled, “Manic Monomania.” I don’t know about you, but I’ve been thinking about little else for days.
In the afternoon, we have . . .
The afternoon sessions are up to you, dear Killzoners. Let’s have some fun. Trying to stick to the voice of the speaker, post your suggested courses and presenters. Or interact some more with the attendees.
This could be a hoot.
(FYI, I’ll be away from the keyboard all day today, so I’ll be kinda quiet.)
In the afternoon we will move into break-out session with Commander Bond leading a discussion on ‘Killing with Style’ in the Martini Room. I’m Sorry? Yes, Mr. McGee, sandals are permitted in the Martini Room. But just for this conference.
Where was I? Oh yes, Casey Shenk will be handing out pamplets at the New Guy Booth in the south parking lot….Okay, people, please keep it down. Mr. Shenk? You’re there because you’re the new guy. Get over it.
Now, moving down the list…
Miss Drew, Mr. Hardy…why are you giggling like that? And where is the other Hardy boy. Keep in mind that this is an adult meeting for which you all barely qualify.
Um…Okay…the maintenance staff just notified me that someone covered both the ladies room toilets and the men’s urinals with clear plastic wrap. Such behaviour will not be tolerated, we’re all adults.
Mr Wayne, Robin asks if you can send the keys to the Batmobile out…no he can’t come get them…he’s the one who discovered the issue with the urinals.
“Dude…did you see Sarah Connor? She just came out of the can all wet and she looks pissed!”
“Please Gentlemen, a lady never sits in a public restroom, and no matter where one ‘goes’, the first rule is to always look first, otherwise unpleasantness always follows.”
“I wouldn’t let her hear you say that when she gets back to the table Ms.Croft.”
“Yes, Lara dear, if you and Sarah wish to have it out woman to woman, I suggest that you at least make it helpful.”
“That is an interesting thought, M. What is your suggestion?”
“I suggest that you two join Diana Prince, Lois Lane, and myself in the Wet T-shirts for Low-Income Heroes Benefit this evening. It’s in the Jewel of the Nile lounge at eight.”
“Excuse me. Can I have your attention for just a moment? Don’t forget to make your reservations for the conference banquet tonight at 8:00. It’s going to be a scrumptious assortment of delicacies including fresh liver, fava beans and a nice selection of Chianti all catered by our good friend and gourmet chef, Dr. Hannibal Lecter. He promises the evening to be a life-changing experience and said he’s dying to have you for dinner.”
Tonight’s panel on blondes, led by Mr. Marlowe, will be followed by Mr. Spade’s lecture entitled, “On the Diverse Methodologies for Identifying Mendacity in the American Dame.”
The discussion for cocktail hour will be, “How to Win Friends and Influence Enemies” presented by our special guest, Chief Inspector Jacques Clouseau, the French police detective who suggests you bring your weapon because there will be arbitrary interactive activities with his personal trainer, Cato. Please be sure to sign the insurance waiver at the door before entering the pool area.
Mr. Givens, I know you have a second weapon on your person somewhere. Please turn it in. Now, you and Mr…What’s that? Yes, keep your hat on. As I was saying, Mr. Givens and Mr. Rain’s seminar tomorrow morning on how to choose the wrong woman will include a continental breakfast.
Ms. Salander, would you please put that laptop away? I’m speaking. Who’s Kalle Blomkvist? Oh, Michael Blomkvist, your sidekick. Isn’t it the other way around? I always get confused with you two. Honestly, I don’t even know why you were invited…Hmmm? Oh, that’s right. And just when do you plan to hold the workshop on self mutilation and unusual sexual proclivities? No, having Asperger’s will not get you out of it.
Mr. Logan, that’s the last time I tell you to put your claws away. I don’t care what animal you call yourself. And throw away that god awful cigar. Stinks to high heaven. I’m of a good mind to call Professor Xavier and have him pick you up.
I have no idea if Mr. Reacher actually plans to field questions during his seminar on vagrancy, Mr. Linnear. Why don’t you ask him? Oh, you did. Well, what did he say? Nothing, huh. That is not surprising. Perhaps an education in Akshara and Kshira will get him to open up.
Turn the television off, Miss Marple. Yes, I am aware that today is wedding of the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge. I’m sure the BBC or ITV will replay it later when you’re in your room.
Mr. Payne and Mr. Jones, no more horseplay in the back of the room, please.
Superman holds up his drink and dances by the military guy’s table
“Hey Marcinko! Wet T-Shirt Contest later! “
“Its girls right Kent?”
“Yeah, of course! What else would it be.”
“Just checking, ‘cuz I don’t trust the entertainment choices of men in tights.”
“Do you hear this crap Batman? I’m so sick of fashion based homophobic references by these guys.”
turns to Marcinko
“Just because we wear tight fitting attire doesn’t make us less manly than you Sailor boy!”
Harvath, Rapp, Marcinko and Mojo Johnson rise to their feet
“Maybe we should have a throwdown between the Men in Tights and the Navy Seals.”
“Mojo, you’re not even a SEAL, you’re a Marine.”
“Yeah…a Marine who taught the SEALs their job, Leotard Man.”
Green Lantern walks over
“You’re on, We’ll see whose got super powers versus whose just likes to bounce balls on their noses, jerks.”
And just for fun, Alex Delaware has generously offered free analysis sessions for anyone who’s willing. Relax, Mr. Davenport, a sign up sheet will be posted by the door. You can be first if you insist. And no, I don’t think he’ll be billing for these. Um, why don’t you save those types of specific questions for the good doctor?
Mr. Bosch, it’s not a bunch of shrink nonsense. If you’re not interested, just don’t enroll for a session.
Mr. Pendergast, I’m not sure that Alex wants or requires your assistance, although that’s a very kind offer. You’ll have to take it up with him. By the way, there have been a number of complaints about the way your Rolls Royce is parked –it’s blocking in the Batmobile. If you could just ask your driver to move it, I think it might alleviate some of the issues we’re having in the garage.
“Who is Odd Thomas talking to? He’s at a table all by himself…but keeps talking…dude is freaking me out.”
Mr. Bourne, you should probably go with Mr. Pendergast to the garage and move that stolen car you drove in. What do you mean how do I know that’s your name? It says so right on your name tag. Don’t you remember registering? Oh. Well, I suppose that’s a problem you’ll have to take up with Treadstone then, isn’t it?
Mr. Givens and Mr. Rain, your seminar for tomorrow morning has been amended. We’d like you to cover how to choose your allies poorly as well.
Will the English contingent please stop watching television? Mr. Luther, Mr. Frost, Miss Marple, Mr. Holmes, I mean you. Yes, yes, yes, the Alexander McQueen dress looks very nice. Now, turn it off.
Mr. Cross, the front desk has requested that you please not fraternize with any of the female staff. They can’t afford to lose anyone right now, and we all know your track record with women.
After the dinner break break Mr. Pitt will take the podium to explain how outrageouness of actions can lead to a solution.
Following that Inspector Frost will be discussing how he manages to keep a vintage Jaguar running reliably.
Oh, and one more thing. It’s been requested that Cotton Malone and Cotten Stone not sit together like last time.
near the bar
“Sean Dillon, long time no see. Still on the Bushmills diet?”
“Mr. Allan Quatermain. Good to see you boyo. ‘Fraid I’m laying off the Bushmills by half these days. My liver’s startin’ to ache like an IRA mum’s heart, so I’ve scheduled meself to switch to something more healthy now.”
“Oh? What’s that, orange juice? Milk?”
“What are ye daft son? What good Son of the Republic would go that far? I’m changing over to Long Island Iced Teas…and Guinness on Sunday.”
Robin spins around on his barstool beside Dillon
“Boy oh boyo! Thangs fer ternin’ me onta eez teesh Sean ol’ buddy ol’ pal. Dish tee ish realllly freleshing! I cud dring eez alll nigh.”
“Hey, there lad. Maybe you’d better lay off a bit, you’re pretty well minged already.”
“Nonshensh, c’mon my l’il albino leprechaun less fine Wunerwomun & that cute l’il Shoozinn Shtorm chick, ya know, the babe with the four on’r chess…she makes me wanna play…ya know…fourplay…gittit…fourplay. Ya know, she looks a ho lot like Jeshkuh Alabu…-n- sheesh hot….like me.”
Robin slides off stool…plunk!
“Okay then, mark the Boy Wonder down as definitely not Irish. Publican…”
“Name is Gregg sir, Olde Gregg.”
“Right. Is that seaweed in your hair?”
“I’m Olde Gregg.”
“Anyway, how about a…what’ll it be Allan? I’m buying…”
“There is a wild African liquor for which I am very fond, derived from the fruit of the Amuntungulu and the Spiny Monkey-Orange fermented with zebra milk and a satchel of springbok droppings to round out the flavor. Have you got that perhaps?”
“Erm…no sir, Olde Gregg’s got nothing like that sir. What’s it taste like?”
“Quite similar to Bailey’s actually..with a musky twang.”
“Right sir, Bailey’s it is then, with a kiss from Olde Gregg.”
…the name is flowers…virgil flowers…..if pike gets to come in….then i do, too….
“Fletch, my man. Good! You’re here.”
“Appearing in this comment thread.”
“Yeah, except there’s another guy here who took my name.”
“It’s call an homage, I think.”
“Who is it? I need to pay him call, if you know what I mean.”
“Easy, you’ve got this PDC gig to take care of.”
“What’s my subject?”
“Ah. I guess we better talk about it.”
Whoa…what’s that flash of light over by the buffet table?
Hey! Check it out, it’s Cap’n Kirk and Spock, and a dude in a red shirt…oh dang, red shirt guy…this can’t be good..
All right, you limey bastards, now, I’ve asked you nicely twice. Turn. The television. Off. Mr. Quartermain, if you can’t get your people in line I will be forced to tell Mr. Grimm that it is clobbering time.
Will someone please go get Robin at the concierge desk? I’ve been informed he just had an altercation with a bird of paradise in the foyer, witnessed by some Daughters of the Revolution, much to their horror. Thank you, Ms. Grey. Can you also…why, you read my mind, I do want you to tell them to cut off the bar, too.
And, Mr. Fletcher, if that is your real name, can you also teach a class on how to become independently wealthy? Stop calling me a hack and answer the question. Yeah sure, Mr. Flynn can teach that class if you want him to. I just figured…right. Let’s table that for another discussion.
Please ignore that three-eyed thing that’s slithering toward the exit. It’s trying to find its way back to the Stoker Weekend next door.
From: Phil Hardtly, Chief, Janitorial Maint. Staff, Convention Center
To: Management and Scheduling Dept.
Re: Concerns related after Friday’s “Good Guy” conference
Please be advised of the following discoveries after yesterday’s conference entitled “Good Guy Professional Development Conference”.
1. Several significant modifications were discovered to have been made to the wiring and communications systems
Wiretaps and listening devices had been placed in many locations throughout the room.
– Some were not so well hidden, three even had names inscribed on them, “Clouseau”, “J. Bond”, and “English, Johnny English”.
– Some were better hidden, nearly impossible to find but given the nature of the types of conventions we host, my staff regularly sweeps the area for such devices.
– As you are aware I am sure, The Loosley Amalgamated Corps of Evil Henchmen will be here next week and it cold have had a seriously negative impact had we not discovered these bugs
Many of the tables had a large number of gouges and knife marks on their surface. Once of the maintenance staff had earlier witnessed several parties in attendance playing “that knife between the fingers game from the movie Alien”. The tables will have to be sanded and refinished to make them servicable without table clothes in the future.
2. Burn marks on the ceiling, two door frames, and one light fixture from “Super Power Demonstrations” seminar
– note – Alcohol and Super Powers do not mix
Coat Check / Weapon Check Room
1. All attendees were required to turn in any weapons, concealed or otherwise, at the coat check room upon entry. This was a good plan and to add to the general security of the conference and attendees I had ordered an additional very large and bio contained safe be placed in the room to ensure both adequate space and containment in case of a mishap. The feared mishaps came in the form of two items as delineated below
1. Mr. Johnny English of MI7 checked in an ink pen that he claimed was a small thermonuclear device capable of deconstructing at a molecular level any biological system it came in contact with one minute after being armed. We believe Mr. English, while showing it off to the check clerk, unknowingly to both himself and the clerk, armed the pen when he handed it to the young man. After English left and the clerk went to lock up the pen witness claimed to have heard a puppy-like whimpering sound followed by a sizzle. When the clerk did not return from the closet one of his co-workers entered the room and found nothing but an oily puddle on the carpet. This was severely distressful for our staff, as we were already short handed for the event.
2. Ms. Ellen Ripley dropped off what she claimed was an unloaded alien weapon she had brought for presentation/display purposes. Apparently it was not unloaded, and the alien spawn housed in a hidden capsule inside used its acid saliva to burn through the safe and the floor beneath and cause no small amount of concern in the homeschool conference going on one floor down. Luckily one of the homeschool kids captured it in a Mason jar. With his mother’s permission and the assistance of a couple other fifth grade homeschool kids he proceeded to do a series advanced biological, cellular and genetic experiments on the creature in hopes of attaining early college credit.
– Related side note, we need to replace the sink, several water pitchers and the microwave in the downstairs convention room.
1. Due to a practical joke played early on both the male and female restrooms were very messy. Someone had covered the male urinals and about half of the female toilets with clear plastic wrap. The resultant deflection of bodily fluids create a huge mess and tempers flared quite dangerously among some of the victims. The worst even was when a Ms Lara Croft had to do “number two” while the cleaning staff was in the process of removing the plastic wrap. She chose a toilet they had not yet checked.
– Apparently Miss Croft had consumed a lot of fresh fruit juice recently.
2. After most of the attendees had left staffers were quite startled to discover several young adults trapped in compromised positions in the restrooms and adjoining closets.
It is not believed they were engaged in amorous activities due to the manner in which they were discovered.
A. Miss Nancy Drew was found sandwiched between the Hardy brothers, all three had been stripped to their underwear, and bound together with a copious amount of “Saran Wrap” then duct taped to the plumbing pipes in the utility closet between the restrooms. The words “Pissers” and “Poo Face” scrawled across their foreheads and cheeks in black permanent marker.
B. The Wonder Twins were likewise duct taped together, but back to back and fully clothed in their case, and rather than being attached to the building in some manner, they were suspended in mid-air by a glowing yellow plasma orb in the handicapped stall of the men’s room.
– Staff got them down by shorting out the plasma orb with a metal broom handle. The twins did fall rather hard a distance of more than six feet to the tile floor Jayna baning her head on the toilet bowl.
– FYI: They have both threatened to sue for the injuries.
1. Mr Tim Drake (aka Robin) and Miss Susan Storm (aka Invisible Woman) were discovered snuggled closely and fully clothed in their “Super Hero” outfits, sleeping off a drunken stupor in the cased liquor storage room.
A. it is assumed they both passed out before anything happened other than perhaps a very minor about of fourplay (get it? ‘fourplay’)
2. Large amounts of broken glass were found behind the bar, interspersed with water color paintings of bottles of Bailey’s and numerous leaves of kelp.
A. According to witnesses, the bartender (a Mr Olde Gregg hired from a temp agency) had served over two dozen Long Island Iced Teas to a Mr. Sean Dillon and several bottles Baileys to a Mr. Allan Quatermain then intiated a ‘water color contest’ with them which turned violent when he said they painted beautifully and then asked both men to marry him.
For future “Good Guy” conferences please ensure that security and maintenance staff is present in the same quantity as we generally have for the “Arch Villains” and “Moody Rock Star” conferences, as the damage while in different forms was at a similar level.
PS. Pictures of these and other “Good Guys” in various positions of compromise will be available for purchase next week at both the Henchmen’s Convention next week and the Arch Villain’s Workshop next month.