We’re all about helping writers here at TKZ. We can do that on the blog, of course, but every now and again one of us will show up in person at a conference.
Or, we’ll throw one ourselves. That’s what I’ll be doing in Los Angeles, June 4th and 5th. Two solid days of getting your writing to the next level. Wall-to-wall instruction on what you can do to rise above the slush, get noticed, get sold. Click here if you’d like more information.
Of course, we’ll talk about openings and POV, which brings me to today’s first page entry:
THE FEN
The surveillance van stank. That wasn’t unusual. Put two or more people in a confined space for hours on end and the scent fallout will inevitably be a combination of stale sweat and funyuns with the desperate hint of pine from a cardboard tree hanging on the rearview mirror.
“…so I told her that’s how it would be irregardless of what she wanted,” Johnson said.
The words registered, but I hadn’t paid the slightest attention to the context. “Uh huh.”
“You’re a woman, what do you think the problem is?”
“I don’t know. Your use of the non-word irregardless?”
Surveillance work was the closest I’d been to the field since being shot three months earlier. I thought it would be better than desk duty. I was wrong.
I popped the lid off a bottle of ibuprofen and dry swallowed three. Getting shot hurt. What was done to keep me alive hurt more. The company in the van and our location wasn’t helping. Ed Kowalczyk once wrote a song called “Shit Towne,” about York, Pennsylvania. I’ve been to York. Ed wrote a good song. He needs to write one about Reading.
“Do I have to go outside?” asked Johnson, changing topics. At least, I thought that’s what he was doing.
“What?”
“When I’m on surveillance with a guy,” he put too much emphasis on that gender specific word, “I can just pee out the back door of the van.”
“If I see your penis, I will shoot it,” I said.
He grumbled, but left in search of a public restroom, or a bush. I didn’t care as long as the smell from the contents of his bladder didn’t reach my nose.
***
The voice of the narrator in this piece is strong. When writing in First Person, that’s the main goal. Give us an attitude. The narrator should sound like someone specific, and someone who might be worth listening to.
This narrator has a good, irreverent, spunky style. We like protagonists who have a bit of the rebel in them. Why? Because that promises conflict, which is the engine of fiction. In that regard, the repartee is promising. We know this Lead is going to run afoul of those she has to work with.
I also like the crisp attention to detail. The desperate hint of pine from a cardboard tree is excellent. And it’s mixed with Funyuns (note: capitalize product names). That’s specific. It’s almost always better to use actual names than generic categories.
The main way I’d strengthen this opening is to root us in the POV right from the start. I see this kind of opening a lot—a sensory description, but from a voice we have not identified yet. Could this be the author’s omniscient voice? A third person “in the head” voice? Or is this First Person? If so, who is the person?
We don’t get clued in until the third paragraph.
Thus, I strongly urge writers to make that opening paragraph clear about the POV. My suggested reworking is below. It’s by no means the only way, but it’ll give you an idea of what I mean.
****
I popped the lid off a bottle of ibuprofen and dry swallowed three. Getting shot hurt. What was done to keep me alive hurt more.
“…so I told her that’s how it would be irregardless of what she wanted,” Johnson said.
The words registered, but I hadn’t paid the slightest attention to the context. “Uh huh.”
“You’re a woman, what do you think the problem is?”
“I don’t know. Your use of the non-word irregardless?”
The surveillance van stank. That wasn’t unusual. Put two or more people in a confined space for hours on end and the scent fallout will inevitably be a combination of stale sweat and Funyuns with the desperate hint of pine from a cardboard tree hanging on the rearview mirror.
Surveillance work was the closest I’d been to the field since being shot three months earlier. I thought it would be better than desk duty. I was wrong . . . .
***
Now, I know the thinking is that the author wants to establish the setting first, the van, then get to the scene. But readers will wait for setting information if something is happening, like dialogue with a little spice (with all due respect to Brother Gilstrap.) So putting in description after action is often the better choice for the opening page.
Establishing POV and voice right away are:
Janet Evanovich in Two for the Dough:
I knew Ranger was beside me because I could see his earring gleaming in the moonlight.
James M. Cain, The Postman Always Rings Twice:
They threw me off the haytruck about noon.
J. D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye:
If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you’ll probably want to know is where I was born, and what my lousy childhood was like, and how my parents were occupied and all before they had me, and all that David Copperfield kind of crap, but I don’t feel like going into it, if you want to know the truth.
And so on. I know immediately we are in First Person, and that lets me understand better the descriptions that follow, because it’s coming through a particular perspective. And there is an attitude apparent in each narration as they move along.
Main point: it’s the voice of the narrator that’s the number one thing I look for in First Person. This piece has a good voice, so I would keep reading.
I would not disagree with James. I loved the ‘tude. This piece was tight, gave a strong sense of character, location, and it did its job. I really want to read more.
These exercises have been amazing. Everyday after we go through one I find myself going back to my WIP to see if it could stand up to the same markers and scrutiny. TKZ never pulls any punches. That is why I like to hang out here. These exercises are great and very helpful TKZ authors…but my sincere thanks to the authors of the pieces for putting their babies on the firing line so that we can all become better authors. I have enjoyed the variety of style, voice, and technique we’ve seen. I only hope that if my page ever appears I won’t cower behind the sofa too much.
Thanks, Kid. This is what it’s all about. Stepping up your game in response to what you learn.
Keep writing.
I think both authors nailed it–the one submitting, and Jim’s comments. Rather than reshuffling the piece to establish POV, I think I’d start thusly:
I stank. The surveillance van stank. That’s what happens when . . .
There’s a self-assurance of this writing that makes me want to read more. Best of all, none of it feels forced or artificial. Way to go, writer!
Jim’s critique is right on, and I think this may be the best first-page submission so far. Strong voice, strong visual and sense of place, and a decent grasp of dialog. The setup is close to the edge of cliche but it still shows story-telling skill. I would keep reading.
I would agree this is the strongest so far and Jim probably can teach anybody to write effectively. I don’t know why he doesn’t to dvds of his classes so writers everywhere could benefit. Of course there are his exceptional books, but I’d think watching him go through it would be far more effective. Just my 2 cents.
Bingo! Jim, you nailed it. Move that setting paragraph down a little ways and establish the character and POV right out of the chute.
I agree with the Chaco Kid. This series of posts has been an excellent guide to getting a story off the ground right away.
Keep it up, TKZers.
This was a great submission. Loved the ‘tude and the character voice. Sparse writing with dark humor. And I agree with Jim about establishing a clear POV from the start, but what an easy fix with such strong writing.
And Chaco–Don’t ever cower, baby. We all have our different ways to critique, but the important thing is hearing things to consider. Even if the words sound harsh (we’ve all heard them), that’s better than no feedback at all. And only you, as the author, can decide what makes sense to you. You may not take every bit of advice. Some things you may push back on. Take what works and file the rest away for another day when it might fit a different project.
Thank God these authors have the guts to put themselves out there for criticism. That’s how we learn. I agree with Chaco Kid and Jim. Great voice. I would keep reading.
I like this one. Like biting into what looks like an ordinary burrito and finding out it has some spice, some kick.
It’s a nice surprise when a writer takes what could be a very ordinary, familiar scene in a stake-out van, and turns it into some fresh.
Good job!
The examples and explanations in these posts have been wonderful. Thanks for such a helpful series.
This piece has a strong distinctive voice and the dialogue is realistic. It’s convinced me that I need to go back to have a closer look at my WIP and find ways of strengthening its voice.