A first page critique by Nancy J. Cohen
ERASED by Anonymous
“I’ll kill her! I swear to God I’ll blow her brains out!”
Special Agent Brandy Jackson stood just inside the apartment, her body half-shielded by the outer living room wall. Omar, the heavily tattooed ex-con at the far end of the room held his strung-out blonde girlfriend in a headlock, with the barrel of his .44 revolver pressed up against her temple. What was her name? Jennifer? Brandy thought so. Jennifer sobbed hysterically.
Omar stood with his back against the inside wall where he had a clear view of the front door and the windows. His eyes were wild, frenzied, darting around the room. They were moving too fast. His naked chest rose and fell in quick pants. He was dripping with sweat.
The idiot was high. What was he on? Crack, maybe heroin? Brandy hoped it wasn’t heroin. That drug could turn thugs like Omar into supersoldiers. She’d seen a bank robber high on the stuff who’d taken almost thirty rounds before he finally collapsed and died of blood loss. That was the first robbery that Brandy had ever investigated. She would never forget it.
“Calm down,” Brandy said in the most reassuring tone she could muster. “We’re going to talk about this.”
“Nothing to talk about. You make one move and I’ll kill this bitch!”
Brandy kept her eyes focused on Omar but she concentrated on the area at the edges of her vision. The hallway was a tall, rectangular blob. If agent Smith was in there, she couldn’t see him.
“It doesn’t have to end like that,” Brandy said. “You’re holding the cards, Omar.” She moved slowly, sliding her .40 caliber Glock 23 into the holster at her side. She showed her empty hands. “See? I just want to talk. What do you want? Money? You want a plane ticket?”
Omar’s eyes flickered. He hadn’t even thought about that. His whole plan had been to go out in a blaze of glory. Good. Slow him down.
Keep him talking, Smith had said. Give me time to get in there.
Great first line! It’s gripping and immediately captured my interest. Now for some questions. Omar’s girlfriend is strung-out. What does this mean exactly? She’s hysterical or she’s on drugs?
“Omar’s eyes were wild, frenzied, darting around the room. They were moving too fast.” You’ve already implied his eyes are moving fast by saying they’re darting. You can delete this second line. And it’s more like his gaze is darting about the room, not his eyeballs. So I’d change these two lines to: “His wild, frenzied gaze darted around the room.”
The next paragraph contains a flashback. Here a guy is about to blow someone’s brains out and she’s thinking about a past robbery? Just have her think how many more rounds she’ll have to use to take him down.
“Calm down,” Brandy said in the most reassuring tone she could muster. “We’re going to talk about this.” I’d like to hear her motivation here. You bring it in later: Keep him talking, Smith had said. Give me time to get in there.
Maybe move these lines up, so it reads like this: “Calm down,” Brandy said in the most reassuring tone she could muster. “We’re going to talk about this.” Give me time to get in there, Smith had said. Keep him talking. (This works better with the following lines, about Smith approaching from the hallway.)
Then you’d end this section with “Good, slow him down.” That works fine, because we’ve already seen that she’s waiting for Smith.
It’s a tense scene and a great beginning. Just do a little rearranging, and it’ll read smoother. I can sympathize with Brandy’s situation and the possible outcomes, and that adds to the suspense. Well done!
It’s really good, but one small point I can see. Heroin doesn’t jack you up. You turn into a listless pile after you shoot up. Crank is a stimulant, as is meth. The drug that makes you near invinceable is PCP, or what they used to call angel dust.
Good points, John. The author might be safer by not venturing to guess what the thug is high on, and by just noting how much harder it would be to take him down.
I noticed the eyes “darting” thing. But, what’s throwing me is the author referring to his/her protagonist as Brandy, rather than Jackson. For some reason, to me, it seems out of place.
“You want a plane ticket?” Omar’s eyes flickered. He hadn’t even thought about that. His whole plan had been to go out in a blaze of glory. Good. Slow him down.”
I had to read this a couple of times, because it seemed like a POV break at first.
Good first scene though.
I think playing the guessing game about the drug would add to scene here. It would be something that would go through my mind were I in this situation. But they need to know what drugs do what to people.
Darting eyes, crazy look, all he has to do is start talking aobut the government trying to get him and you have a meth head.
I think this submission is pretty good although we’ve seen this opening scene countless times on TV and in novels. The thing that stopped me cold was the POV shift at the end:
“He hadn’t even thought about that. His whole plan had been to go out in a blaze of glory.”
We’re suddenly in his head. Brandy could guess this or assume this, but there’s no way she knows it.
It’s written well but I would be hard pressed to read on.
Great points, Nancy. Meth makes you paranoid and PCP makes you bulletproof. Either would make cops more nervous, but I’m wondering why a Fed would get called out on a situation more suited to local LEOs. Where are the locals? Omar sounds more like a user than a big enough fish for a fed to be linked to. And the thoughts of any cop would be on the use of deadly force, rather than clinically over analyzing what this joker’s got in his bloodstream. I’m not sensing as much danger as should be in this scene. Are there other cops there? If not, why not? They’re usually first responders. Protecting a hostage is important, but in this situation a cop would also be thinking of being the one to walk away from this alive. And the odds of taking a clean headshot might run through her mind. It’s not a bad start, but I’m not sensing a cop’s mentality here. This is one of the hardest things for authors to get.
I agree with the other authors’ takes. I have another: How does she know Omar’s gun is a .44 caliber? Unless Omar said, “I have a .44,” there’s no way to know an exact caliber from looking at the gun from a distance. Caliber is inscribed on the barrel in like 12 point type, but other than seeing that it’s a large caliber. Maybe it’s nitpicky, but it stopped me cold. A meth psychotic break is a good drug situation. I’d love to see a cocked hammer, finger on the trigger, and his hand shaking.
In this age most situations like this opening have been done to death. If I were doing this scene, I’d keep the finger in teh guard, cocked hammer, and I’d add something like the girlfriend’s enraged pitbull charging into the room, hanging from Omar’s ass in a death clench, growling, occasionally shaking his head and twisting his bulk violently or something. That’s just me.
Joe hit on the main point, I think. Writing in this genre requires extra effort because we’ve seen this so many times before. The author has to dig deep and find freshness (hint: it’s almost always going to be inside the character). The lines of dialogue are all cliches. That another area to search for originality.
Also, I’m not against starting with dialogue, but the first time you go to narrative it needs to clarify who’s talking. I thought the first line was uttered by Brandy (as I read the second line). In line 3 Omar is brought in, and I’m having to backtrack to figure things out.
It could be done this way:
“I’ll kill her! I swear to God I’ll blow her brains out!”
The heavily tattooed ex-con at the far end of the room held his strung-out blonde girlfriend in a headlock, with the barrel of his .44 revolver pressed up against her temple.
Special Agent Brandy Jackson stood just inside the apartment, her body half-shielded by the outer living room wall…
Speaking of which, what IF the first line WAS Brandy? Now it’s starting to get interesting, isn’t it? Why would a Fed say something like that? What’s going on inside her at this point? It would be a completely different scene and probably book, but that’s what revision is for.
I’d also say that a bank robber taking 30 bullets would die of lead poisoning before any cop would say he died of blood loss. And I’d also question why someone on drugs would hit a bank when a 7-11 would do. It’s implied that Brandy is investigating bank robberies, but given this is the second drugged out messed up bank robbers she’s faced, that seems strange. Bank robbers tend to be a bit more sober. They need to get in and out without being noticed before any alarms go off. It would be way too easy to slip some messed up guy a dye pack that will explode in his face.
Writing crime fiction is tough. An author must get into the head of law enforcement types, without having all their training. And you can’t guess at the details because you often won’t get a second chance with a reader. And editors who work with crime fiction know enough that this short scene would not make the cut, no matter how tension packed it might read to someone who doesn’t read the genre.
I had a very smart writer friend who knew he could never get a crime scene right, so he wrote the book from the hapless victim’s POV. It worked.
Hey Jim. You cracked me up with your suggestion about who is saying that first line. Very cool. I’m not sure I’d want to taunt a dude named Omar by trying to shoot his best girl before he did, but all Brandy is trying to do is stall so her partner can become a part of the equation. But that would freshen up a cliched scene. HA !
These are great learning points, everyone! Thanks so much for contributing.You’ve brought up things I wouldn’t have thought of, so I’m learning, too.
For anyone needing research sources for crime fiction, try the links below. These are some of my favorites, but I’m a bit of a research geek.
1.) Crime Scene Writer is a technical loop comprised of retired analysts, cops, feds, and weapons experts, etc.
http://tech.groups.yahoo.com/group/crimescenewriter/
Send an email to this addy to join the loop:
crimescenewriter-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Wally Lind or someone administering the site will sign you up. It’s a great resource that I get on digest.
2.) For medical questions, I love Dr. Doug Lyle. And I have his “Forensics for Dummies” in my library. Here is his link:
http://www.dplylemd.com/
3.) I’m also getting a forensics newsletter – The Crime Lab Project – that I think is really cool, sent out by the wonderful crime fiction author Jan Burke. It might be techie, but it also might stir up some ideas for books.
4.) And to get into a cop’s head, try Lee Lofland’s blog – The Graveyard Shift.
http://www.leelofland.com/wordpress/
5.) I’ve also been following the TV show Southland, since Lee has been crtiquing it. That show is technically very good as far as the mentality thing and the lingo.
6.) And for pure characterization and amazing dialogue, I’m hooked on the TV show – JUSTIFIED. Edgy gritty violent stuff, but so real. I couldnt mention Southland without mentioning one of my favorite shows, Justified.
I agree with what’s been said here: I also think that most LEOs are pretty good at figuring out what a junkie is high on at a glance).
This is, however, somewhat of a cookie-cutter scene. I’d actually recommend starting with the part that Joe mentioned, with Brandy stepping forward and saying, “It doesn’t have to end like that.” For me, that was a more interesting opening line than the original.
Is there still room to enter a first page for a critique? Is the Kill Zone going to do this again?
Anonymous, I think we do it once a year but stay tuned in case that changes. Jordan, thanks for sharing those fab sites. I’m going to print them out.
I’m a day late, but here are my comments without reading the others first:
(1) Nix “Brandy thought so.” in paragraph #1. We’re in her head, her POV. Thus, everything that’s not dialogue or description *is* thought. Change “Jennifer sobbed hysterically.” to “She…” to eliminate the repetition.
(2) Further down, “The hallway was a tall, rectangular blob.” This is strange. Hallways are generally deep, not tall. I think you mean the hallway has a high ceiling and it’s too dark to see so everything is a ‘blur’. How about this fix: “The hallway was a deep blur.”
(3) Professionals, who generally have training in negotiations, wouldn’t say, “You’re holding the cards, Omar.” Unless this is Special Agent Brandy Jackson’s first negotiation or she’s flustered or green, remove it. The rest of the paragraph will hold together.
(4) The final two paragraphs show two different POVs, but they break at the wrong place. Separate “Good. Slow him down.”
Now I’ve read the others. Mine gel with the other comments and I’ve removed some duplicate suggestions.
John, thanks for the visual of the pitbull! 😀
Now for freshness, what if Jackson makes a mistake. Something like this: Special Agent Brandy Jackson’s years of law enforcement training kicked in. She opened her mouth… “You’re holding the cards, Omar” …and inserted her foot. Damn, where’d that come from?
Jordan, thanks for the resource links. They look great!
All in all, I think this is a good start. I’m interested and would keep reading a bit, but the issues brought up here definitely need to be addressed. Happy writing.
I second the remark about heroin not making someone a super soldier. Heroin puts you in a stupor. Glaring mistake!