Monday, 7 January
California, United States of America
Turgenev rested his elbows in the tall, brown grass of the hilltop and propped his chin in his hands. The sky was blue and empty except for the dark speck of a distant bird. He sucked in a deep breath of warm air and smiled. In Moscow it would be freezing. Grass tickled his throat. Turgenev yawned. “You see him?”
Sally lay an arm’s length away, adjusting the focus on a fat Leupold spotting scope. “Not yet,” she whispered. Then her shoulders tensed. “There!”
Turgenev raised his binoculars. Four hundred meters away, a man carrying a rifle knelt at a chain-link fence outside a compound of cinderblock buildings and sixty-year-old Quonset huts. The chunky man wore a tan sport coat.
“He is stuck. He does not know how to work the bolt cutters,” Turgenev said.
Sally squinted through her scope. “He’s a scientist. I think he can manage the bolt cutters.”
“Don’t be so sure. My father knew a man once, a cyberneticist, who electrocuted himself because he did not know how–“
“Hush. There he goes.”
The man folded back part of the fence and crawled through. He trotted to the nearest building, zipped a card through a wall-mounted reader beside a door and ducked inside.
“Why didn’t you send him through the gate? He has a security card.”
Sally’s soft sleepy eyes hardened. “This is my operation. I want to see what he can do while under the influence. The fence is safer. If I sent him through the gate, he’d talk with the guards and they might notice his behavior.”
Turgenev sipped from a warm bottle of water. “Perhaps safer is better.”
* * *
I have to say I really like this first page, starting with the name “Largo Chimp.” I want to read anything by someone named Largo Chimp.
I immediately get pulled in because the location is California, and yet the first person being presented is Russian. The dialogue starts briskly, with clear tension between the two characters, who are at odds over the action that is unfolding. Their dialogue is nicely differentiated so that you can tell the difference between the two people’s voices. One way the author accomplishes that differentiation is through the use/nonuse of the contractions. Turgenev says, “He is stuck.” Sally comes back with an American-sounding contraction, “He’s a scientist.” It’s just what you’d expect from a non-native speaker versus an American. Very nice!
It’s taut, it’s lean, it’s compelling. I can’t think of a goshdarned suggestion to make. Except maybe it would be good to move Sally’s remark, “The fence is safer” to the end of her block of dialogue, so that it more strongly mirrors Turgenev’s comeback, “Perhaps safer is better.” It took me a second reading to realize that he was agreeing with her.
Based on this first page, I really want to read more. This one gets a gold star from me!
I agree with Kathryn, this is one of the best we’ve had so far. Good job of establishing a sense of place, tension, and contrast. Something is going to happen and I’m interested in finding out what it is. In my opinion, this piece only needs a small bit of line editing.
Do we need United States of America to qualify California?
“. . . sixty-year-old Quonset huts” might be considered author intrusion. We’re in Turgenev’s POV. Is he the one that knows the exact age of the “California” huts or is it the writer?
“Sally’s soft sleepy eyes hardened” might also be author intrusion. I would have Turgenev glance at her first. Then we stay in his POV while describing Sally’s eyes. The nature of the description might also hint of an attraction between Turgenev and Sally. Just make sure that he “thinks” in terms of “soft sleepy eyes”.
Overall, this appears to be a thriller and I would definitely keep reading.
The one comment I would make is that the spotlighting on why the guy used a security card after cutting through the fence seems a little off. Rather than being concerned that he will talk to the security guards, which is unlikely to be more than “good morning,” my concern would be that they would spot the rifle he is carrying.
Yes, what I like is that it is a real scene, with a real disturbance going on (we’re not sitting in the ordinary world waiting for something to happen).
As Joe pointed out, POV can be tightened. It’s Turgenev’s scene, as the first para. establishes. Sally adjusting focus, tensing shoulders, squinting, and her sleepy eyes, are not clearly from his POV. He seems rather to be looking at the compound.
Also, because Sally speaks just before the man crawls through, it seems to be her observation and thus her POV. Also, it’s unclear who says “Why didn’t you send him through the…” A simple: Turgenev said, “Why didn’t you…” would clear that up.
These minor adjustments will “heat up” the POV, which definitely makes a difference to the reader, even on a subliminal level.
Good point about California, Joe. Maybe adding the location in California rather than USA?
Also a good point about the rifle, Timothy. And Jim, that POV tweak would improve the flow.
It takes a village to critique a first page, lol.
“Do we need United States of America to qualify California?”
This is a straight line, right?
I love this piece. It’s well enough written that I assume that any small details that don’t yet make sense to me will indeed make sense to me when the author wants it to.
I say bravo!
John Gilstrap
http://www.johngilstrap.com
Yes – I also would tighten it up a bit but I agree it’s a great start. I’d keep reading.
I like Cold War style espionage stories as much as I like stories where Nazi’s get their butts kicked. Even though this may not be that at all, the presence of Russian people doing covert stuff in USA would push me to the next page. I like.
Spaseba.
Da.
Thanks to everyone who took the time to read my page and comment.
Kathryn’s suggestion on the dialogue exchange will make that paragraph clearer, and thanks to Joe and James I will take a hard look at those POV issues.
I will be happy to return this favor, and can be reached at l4rg0ch1mp (at) yahoo.com.
Thank you!
It’s hard to come up with a suggestion for this. It works well though the pace seemed a little off for me. Part of that is having unfamiliar words (Quonset?) and having to sound out Turgenev. But I wouldn’t change the name.
I guess I got stuck because I couldn’t see it. For instance, in the very beginning I didn’t know how Turgenev was laying – face down or face up. After reading further I thought it must be face up (he saw the sky) but after re-reading it’s clear he’s belly-down in a sniper-like position. He can see the sky only because he’s on a hilltop. Clarifying this in the first sentence/paragraph would allow the proper vision to take place in the reader’s mind thus making it all flow better.
But I would keep reading. The dialogue is good. Definitely rearrange the two “safer” lines to coincide. That point slowed down for me too. I guess it’s all about flow for me.