TOTALLY ARBITRARY AUSTRALIANA

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By Clare Langley-Hawthorne
www.clarelangleyhawthorne.com

As I was in Melbourne Australia last week and am now sunning myself in Queensland (well, given my complexion, hiding from the sun beneath a layer of sun cream and a wide brimmed hat) I’ve been thinking a lot about what I love (and hate) about Australia. Here’s my list – totally arbitrary mind you, so feel free to chime in and let me know what you love and hate about the place!

TOP 5 THINGS I LOVE ABOUT AUSTRALIA

1. The beaches

Of course my number one has to be the natural environment. Australia is a beautiful and terrifying country – amazing beaches, stunning scenery in both the outback and the bush, and of course awe-inspiring desert landscapes. However, if I was to narrow it down to just one thing it would have to be the beaches. I haven’t seen anywhere in the world that can compare.

2. Pavlova (the best dessert ever!)

Next on my list is pavlova – a meringue desert which is sublimely sweet, sticky and delicious! Whenever I come back to Australia I always put on at least five pounds reliving my childhood by eating my way through all the foods I love and miss. Pavlova tops the list but I haven’t even had a sniff of one as yet – and I’m getting desperate!

3. Cadbury Chocolate

Bugger the Swiss chocolate, I’m all for the good Australian Cadbury milk chocolate. Originally from England, the local version has some fabulous Australian favorites- Caramello Koalas and Freddo Frogs to name just two. I seriously haul pounds of this stuff back to America (aside from what’s already padding my derriere!)

4. Trams

Coming from Melbourne I have to include trams on my list – the ubiquitous mode of public transport in Melbourne. I rode a tram to school and the old green and yellow rattlers hold a special place in my heart. I think there’s one that trundles up and down the embarcadero in San Francisco but I love the old ones in Melbourne where kids used to hang out of doorways and which, in winter, would be freezing inside as the open doors let in the cold air.

5. The irreverent and colorful sense of humor (no-holds barred, no political correctness just ‘saying it like it is’)

Finally, the most refreshing thing about being back in Australia is the totally irreverent sense of humor that is on display every where you go. This is the hardest to explain to non-Aussies but you just know you’re back in Australia when you see something like this.

WHAT I HATE ABOUT AUSTRALIA

This is where I will get into trouble…

1. The accent

Okay, I know I’m going to get comments on this but after 13 years living in the US the full frontal Aussie accent when I arrive can be truly horrific! There are degrees of ‘ockerism’ as we call it but still, when it’s bad…it’s bad.

2. Australian Rules Football (‘Footy’)

Melbournians obsessive love of Australian Rules Football is enough to make me get back on a plane and leave immediately. I grew up with all the ‘footy’ madness and now, even after just one week in Melbourne, is enough to make me scream!

3. Racial intolerance

Although Australia has come a long way I still sense an underlying intolerance particularly towards the aboriginal people that I still find disturbing. It is often veiled in humor but it is inescapable.

4. Chiko Rolls

I have only one food item on my list and it is peculiarly Australian – the chiko roll – it’s like a deep fried egg roll filled with some gross concoction of mutton, rice, cabbage and God only knows what else. Just describing it turns my stomach!

5. Being a 15 hour plane ride from bloody anywhere else!

My final ‘whinge’ about Australia is its location – I mean seriously it’s a bloody long way from anywhere else…so I’d better enjoy sunning myself on the beach at Palm Cove while it lasts!

9 thoughts on “TOTALLY ARBITRARY AUSTRALIANA”

  1. Hey, Clare. I’m jealous. I just get to go to Canberra tomorrow [Parliament is sitting, but I’m going for something else] and freeze my backside off.

    I can go with your ‘loves’ as likes. I have to laugh at your comment about the accent, though. You and I swapped places about the same time – 13 years ago, so I guess we kept the planet balanced. I feel the same about American accents! I don’t even hear the Aussie so much any more. But I do agree Les Patterson [the picture] is disgusting! Love Dame Edna, though.

    Footy is a waste of time, but St Kilda did make it into the top 4 this year. Probably because it’s the one year I haven’t paid attention. Chiko rolls I can take or leave. We don’t see them in Melbourne often, mostly Qld. Most of the deep fried fast food here is sus. And the racial intolerance is alive and well, unfortunately, but in a different way from the US. I recently posted elsewhere that Obama could equally be called white. Why isn’t he? And I hate the air distance from the US, for sure. Haven’t been back since 2001. But there are regional places that are, as you know, cheaper to get to and cheaper to visit, that some Americans might think quite exotic and Australians take for granted: Fiji, Vanuatu, Bali, Thailand, Hong Kong, and even our Kiwi neighbours to the southeast. And that’s sorta cool.

    Enjoy Queensland. And keep slapping on the sunscreen!

  2. Hi Daughter-in-law and author extraordinaire!
    Thanks for putting up with the looooong flight and the ineptitude at Sydney airport to get back “home” with that amazing husband of yours and my darling twin grandsons. I’ve had an absolute ball with you all over the last week! To hear ” Hey, Nanna!” echoing round my little cottage has brightened life enormously. Sorry I let the boys do two circuits of the City Circle Tram in Melbourne, fast asleep. And sorry I didn’t get round to making a Pav for you – just keep eating those Caramello koalas, preferably with Yellowglen champagne! Love, Nanna XXX

  3. Thanks to the Aussie contingent who are commenting at around 2am California time! I’m sitting here after a day at the beach in Palm cove and must admit Australia looks pretty fabulous at the moment. I’ve also just eaten fish and chips with Aussie beer and about to have Cadbury chocolate! The boys are having fun – good to see kids reveling in the best Australia has to offer!

  5. You’ve mentioned several things we miss about Australia. We’ve been back up in the States since May and find ourselves talking about our time in Oz almost every day.

    We truly enjoyed footy while we were there and dh is very pleased that St. Kilda made it to the top 4. A “mate” of ours called and told dh all about the game.

    Right now I would love that spring is starting down under while days are getting shorter here as fall knocks at our door on the 22.

    Why do your seasons start on the first of the month? and not on the equinoxes? 🙂

    Missing Oz

  6. Looks like we have some footy fans – more power to you:) I’m enjoying the sun and weirdly enough the time change (it’s Tuesday here of course!) We could feel spring approaching in Melbourne and I’m sure when we return to CA we’ll know that summer is at an end:(

  8. Sounds like Australia and Alaska have a lot in common. A few notable exceptions being the weather and the fact that our sports usually involve killing something (non-human somethings for the most part) rather than running with a ball.

    But the isolation and sense of humor sound pretty close to similar. I think a lot of Aussies would have a great time up here, and I know a lot of Alaskan’s love it down there.

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