Have to say, I’m a bit baffled by an article I just read, “…Women In Publishing Don’t Have The Luxury Of Being Unlikable“. This article has been making the rounds in publishing circles, evidently. Basically, the writer is arguing that women authors have to be “nice” in order to succeed in publishing, while men do not.
I’m surprised by the opinions expressed in this article for several reasons. First of all, every author I’ve ever met has been what I’d call “nice.” Whenever I go to writer’s conferences, I feel as though I’ve just passed through the gates into The Village of Extremely Nice, Middle Aged People. As Nicole Kidman’s character said in Big Little Lies, authors tend to pound people to death with “nice”, if only because everyone’s trying to sell their books. Have I been missing some Crabby Appletons lurking in the shadows?
I was also puzzled by the example the writer cited of a woman author who was apparently “not nice”. The description conveyed someone who might have felt a tad reserved or shy in groups, perhaps, but nothing particularly “not nice”.
I’d be interested in knowing how other people react to the arguments being made in this article, because I may not be an objective judge. I’ve been accused by some who know me well of having an oversupply of self-confidence (this assessment is never delivered as a compliment, of course). So I may be insensitive to something that is going on in the general publishing environment. As I read the article, I thought it reflected more about the writer’s own issues with self confidence, rather than anything meaningful about the environment for women authors in today’s publishing community.
So if I’m wrong, set me straight. Do women authors have to be particularly “nice” to get ahead?
First of all, it’s been weeks since I’ve had a cookie. That point alone makes me un-nice, grumpy, whatever you want to call it. You hand me a cookie, I’ll be your bestest friend. Forever.
All kidding aside, can one be nice and be an introvert? I wonder.
I try to think of myself as a nice person. But I suffer from the horrible disease of Imshyinsocialgatheringsitus. Unfortunately, the cure is, and has always been, network, network and more network.
It’s something I have always disliked, and in fact, I tend to gravitate to people that are making the most of their networking moments, content to bask in their sunlight.
I’m a fairly new author, though I’ve written under a different name in the past. It’s my hope to be able to be able to network with the rest of ’em and take my seat at the grownups table. The topics I write about are edgy-fiction intermeshed with some true life experiences. I suspect that one day I might be asked to speak on those experiences. While I might tend to shy away from that type of exposure and vulnerability, it would oblige me to do so.
But I would probably be so much nicer about it if they handed me cookies.
Cookies are a universal friend-making magnet, you’re right, Tess! Unless I’m on the wagon food wise, and then the person offering them might be seen as a threat. The writer of that article struck me as very young sounding–she’ll probably gain more confidence as she matures. Thanks for dropping by today and leaving a comment!
Oh and a related new-author tip: whenever you do a book signing, bring cookies and water to hand out. It’s a great way to get people to walk up to wherever they’ve stuck you behind a table and your stack of books!
Thank you! I appreciate that.
I’m sure there’s somebody out there that’s not nice, and probably everybody’s not nice about something or other. What’s ridiculous is that the encounter with the famed nameless writer described isn’t described as “not nice”, but just not overly gregarious. The woman said barely a word. Why not? Put yourself in her shoes. She’s just been placed at a table with 8-10-12 strangers as the famous curiosity. That’s an awkward situation. Maybe she was just nervous, shy, or both. Maybe it was uncomfortable for her, too. I think the problem was the perception of the article’s author on How Women Should Act. Don’t forget to smile (at every stranger on the street).
I know, right? Walking down the street and the inevitable boor yelling out, “Smile, honey!” Unfortunately some people get influenced by that kind of nonsense.
Wow! That article wasn’t easy to read. I feel sorry for the author. She’s so misguided. What happened to authenticity? I don’t try to make people like me. It’s not in my DNA. Just this morning, I posted a funny meme to my FB that read, “Hey, Pissy Pants. If I post something that offends you, please bring it to my attention so I can delete your wimpy ass from my friends list.” That pretty much sums up how I feel. I’m me, take it or leave it. That said, most people probably find me to be “nice” because that’s who I am, but I’d never fake it for some sort of twisted popularity contest. I’m way too cool for that. Hahahahaha!
Lol, Sue, I tend to be a bit of a prissy Miss Manners on public social media, and that’s not always popular. But I’m actually like that, so I guess it’s authentic as well! But I don’t act a certain way because I feel a special need to be nice. I thought younger women were immune to such outmoded notions, but apparently not.
I can’t say much about women in the publishing industry as I am a novice writer who hasn’t published yet, but it seems to me she views the world through a narrow lens. An extrovert’s lens. The writer she described is clearly an introvert just doing her best in a social situation that made her uncomfortable. Those cigarette breaks were probably a means of managing her anxiety when she felt overwhelmed. I use a similar trick at parties when I’ve had ‘too much people’ by excusing myself to go to the bathroom or to get a drink. I know through personal experience that some extroverts just don’t understand introverts at all. I think this article says more about its writer than anything else.
Ditto what everybody else here said. I know plenty of men and women authors who are extremely pleasant, funny, interesting people. I watched Jim Butcher’s panel at ComicCon a few years ago. My introvert hurt just watching him. Instead of doing a panel, he did nothing but Q and A because it let him tell stories. He barely functioned up there with that mic. He was very friendly and funny, but yeah.
The extrovert who wrote that article needs to learn about introverts. It’s not about being “nice”. It’s about your personality type not coping well with crowds.
I know several women writers who are very successful and yet aren’t nice at all. Though they’re often better at hiding their contempt for people than many men are. Catfriend has a good point. A lot of women have been taught that they have to appear friendly and smile in social circumstances and on the street, and that pressure creates expectations all around.
There’s much to be said for that “don’t judge a book by its cover” old saw.
Also, I almost always take cookies or brownies to bookstore staff when I have events–they’re doing the tough work, and I want them to know they’re appreciated.
This was a really weird article. And while it clearly states it was edited, my first thought when reading this article was “Where is the editor?” It was like she started out on one track then completely shifted to some utter confusion about herself and her place in the world that had nothing to do with the incident of the 2005 author. I finished the article quite bewildered and thinking to myself if I was it’s writer I’d want to take the post down until I could unscramble my thoughts.
And speaking of the 2005 author in the article, the article writer clearly has very under-developed ability to recognize an introvert when she sees one. The dead give-away, if nothing else, should have been that said 2005 author only had 2 books published. I don’t know about 2005, but in this day and age, that represents someone in the beginning stages of their publishing career since having multiple titles seems to be so greatly stressed.
As to gender—I don’t know what the gender balance is in traditional publishing houses, as my thinking is always along the lines of being independently published. The writer’s organization that I belong to, while it does have a male population, is heavily dominated by women–probably 85% at least. Like Kathryn, I feel everybody is generally “nice”.
Very strange indeed.
My thoughts exactly! I love it when people agree with me?, thanks for visiting!!
Brownies are a universal panacea. Thanks for joining in, Laura!!
Whether being nice is a key variable in the success of female authors, I don’t know. Perhaps it’s more important that female and male acquisition editors be nice so that more women would be published traditionally.
Bias in traditional publishing and bias in traditional reviewing (even though reviewing in many places is declining) is proven by the numbers, so maybe that does mean that women have to be nice.
I’m too old to worry about being nice. Being authentic but still kind is what I aim for, and to hell with those who object.
It’s not nice or not. Authors, female or not, should be professional, period. That usually includes politeness to everyone.
As to introverts, it’s best to avoid situations that require too much interaction with others, and, if forced, admitting your nerves in a light manner will have most people on your side because they’ve been there. More people are afraid of public speaking and appearances than spiders, clowns, and other major phobias.
As to not polite, AKA jerks, I’ve met quite a few authors who were. All were men in sf/f.
I would argue that being attractive might count more than personality, if anything. In business it’s been shown that attractive people of both genders seem to advance more easily than their less aesthetically gifted coworkers
No clue what sf/f stands for but it definitely sounds “not nice”. ?
Sorry. Science fiction and fantasy.
My experience has been completely different. From the time I said that I intended to get serious about writing my first novel, the writing community, both men and women, have been supportive and encouraging. Maybe she didn’t try. Maybe this other author thought she was the standoffish one. Reducing it to a sexist problem is a mistake though. I got the impression of sour grapes rather than a real issue.