by Debbie Burke
While waiting in line at a Walmart pharmacy a few days ago, I noticed a display rack of at-home DIY tests. It contained tests for Covid; Flu A and B; alcohol (urine strips); handheld breathalyzers (as low as $8); drug kits that test urine for marijuana, opiates, cocaine, amphetamines, meth, Oxycodone, PCP, Ecstasy, etc.—results in only five minutes!
Wow, I had no idea consumer test kits had gotten so comprehensive, sophisticated, and cheap.
Waiting in line can be boring…unless you’re a crime writer. My imagination took off with scenarios where drug and alcohol tests could add conflict and suspense to a story.
“You’re too drunk to drive.”
“I’m just fine, honeybunch.”
“Oh yeah? Blow into this.”
“Where the hell did you get that?”
“At Walmart.”
“No way.”
“Yes way. Now blow.”
But the most surprising kit was a home paternity test.
For only $15, is it really possible to determine whether or not a man is a child’s father?
Yes, but an additional $100 (approx.) must be paid to a DNA testing lab.
The kit includes what’s needed to collect cheek swabs from the alleged father(s) and child, and a mailer to send samples to a DNA lab. Results are ready in 1-2 business days and are available online or by mail. If several men could be the father, some kits allow testing of multiple subjects at the same time.
Home test results are reportedly 99.999999% accurate but are not admissible in court. According to Patermitylab.com:
While the science behind our Home DNA Test Kits are the exact same as the Legal Paternity Tests and Immigration Paternity Tests collected for in a laboratory, they cannot be used in court. This is because the Legal and Immigration Paternity Tests require you to go into a laboratory and have your samples collected. This is to establish what is legally referred to as a “chain of custody.” This is where a third party laboratory technician will verify the identification of the testors and then take their samples before submitting them for genetic testing.
Paternity tests can also eliminate a man as the father with the results showing 0% chance of paternity.
Reasons to determine the father’s identity include:
Establish a child’s legal status;
Obligation to pay child support;
Rights of visitation or custody;
A child’s eligibility for insurance benefits;
The right to inherit;
Medical history; genetic markers play a role in health conditions or predisposition to certain diseases.
Celebrities have long been targets in paternity cases.
Michael Jackson wrote the 1981 hit song “Billie Jean” where the narrator describes a brief encounter with a woman who later claims a child is his. Her proof is “a photo of a baby, cryin’, his eyes were like mine.” But the refrain protests, “the kid is not my son.”
Per Wikipedia, Jackson said:
There never was a real Billie Jean. The girl in the song is a composite of people my brothers have been plagued with over the years. I could never understand how these girls could say they were carrying someone’s child when it wasn’t true.
One particularly ardent fan claimed Jackson fathered her child. She sent him letters, proposing he kill himself at the same time she killed herself and “their” baby so they could all be together. She was later sent to a psychiatric hospital.
When fame and money are involved, even scientific proof does not prevent accusations and sensational trials. More famous cases:

Charlie Chaplin – Public domain
Charlie Chaplin was accused of fathering a child with a young starlet. After an arduous trial that featured an adorable toddler playing pattycake at the prosecution table, blood tests confirmed Chaplin was not the father.

Eddie Murphy
Photo credit: Wikimedia CC-BY-3.0
Eddie Murphy was taken to court by Spice Girl Melanie Brown to establish paternity of her daughter Angel. DNA proved Murphy was the father and therefore financially responsible.

Keanu Reeves
Photo credit: Governo do Estado de São Paulo, CC BY 2.0 <https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0>, via Wikimedia Commons
Keanu Reeves was sued for millions in spousal and child support by a woman whom he said he’d never met. The case was dismissed when DNA tests proved he was not the father.
All sorts of fictional scenarios spring to mind that deal with questionable paternity including false accusations, blackmail, sexual assault, gang rape, buried family secrets, disputed custody of the child, and more.
What if a child’s immigration status depends on who the father is?
What if character always believed their father was one man but he turns out to be a different man?
What if a stranger shows up claiming a character is his father?
What if an inheritance depends on a person being the benefactor’s natural child? If they’re not, then who inherits?
In real life, a person can refuse to take a DNA test. However, courts may order DNA tests. Since it is illegal to refuse a court order, refusal may subject the person to fines, penalties, and even jail time.
For this crime author, the seemingly mundane act of waiting in line at Walmart led to all sorts of story ideas. By the time I finally got to the service window, I had a list of questions to research when I got home.
The answers became today’s post.
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TKZers: Have you written a story featuring a paternity theme? If so, what inspired the idea? What books have you read where paternity plays a role?
~~~
When a rapist is set free because of contaminated DNA evidence, investigator Tawny Lindholm is outraged. How could her husband, attorney Tillman Rosenbaum, defend an obviously guilty man? Tawny’s world is further shaken when a stranger shows up, claiming to be the son of her beloved late husband. As cherished memories shatter, can her new marriage survive?
Bestthrillers.com calls Until Proven Guilty: “One of the year’s top crime thrillers.”
TKZers: Have you written a story featuring a paternity theme?
One of the themes of my mainstream trilogy – not only concerns who the father is, but how he became that – and who he isn’t. It makes a difference that changes the tack the story was on – quite dramatically. And affects the whole end of the story.
Consent is important for both men and women – including the implied consent that goes along with the use of birth control. Anyone who thinks most forms of birth control are completely effective is not in possession of all the facts.
It was fun to figure out the implications for all three of the main characters. And an interesting (to me) addition to another theme – the modern retelling of the Book of Job.
Alicia, thanks for contributing the examples in your trilogy. The story sounds fascinating and compelling. Literature through history revisits the Bible for timeless themes.
Nothing in life is 100% guaranteed, except death and taxes!
Interesting, Debbie, and maybe I should stop using the drive-up window. Not much goes on there.
A couple of my books include kids, but questioning paternity has never come into play.
Hahahaha, Terry!
At the drive-up, what if there’s an argument going on in the car beside you?
Single file, so it’s almost impossible to notice drama in the car ahead or behind.
Our Walmart hit the big time–TWO drive-up lanes.
We don’t have a drive-thru! lol More the pitty…
I visit the pharmacy quite regularly, in fact, I really should set up a cot in the back room. Maybe now I will stop day-dreaming and look around! My “what if?” kicked into overdrive with this post.
Thanks Debbie!
You’re welcome, Fran. If you set up a cot, the store might start charging you rent;)
Part of writing is being observant but daydreaming is also necessary.
Not fictional but real life. St. Louis had a serial rapist, known as ‘The south side rapist’ since he work South St. Louis. The police had a description that led to a suspect. But no proof. Suspect is picked up and told he is wanted for a string of robberies. He denies it. The police tell him they have DNA from one of the stores. If he gives them a sample they can eliminate him from the robberies in a few hours. He spits in a cup. He flees and is arrested in NM a few days later. He is currently serving 9 life terms without parole.
Glad the serial killer was tripped up by DNA, Alan.
Cops are now using DNA databases to find familial connections to suspects. If they have a suspect’s DNA sample but don’t know their location, the person might be found hiding out with a close relative. Or the relative might know their whereabouts.
23 and me and the like are bringing all kinds of family secrets out. Family friends who know each other very, very well. Sisters who are really mother and child.
One of my online friends discovered that despite three generations of the family believing they are Native American, they are not.
Have a good time.
That’s a rabbit hole, for sure!
Remember Chinatown where Faye Dunaway says, “She’s my sister, my daughter.”
The discovery and utilization of DNA has revolutionized so much, Debbie. I hadn’t realized over the counter paternity tests existed, but it makes sense, with the prevalence of family DNA testing for ancestry.
Of course, the crime dog in me is wondering if there’s a way to pull a switcheroo in a story and swap DNA samples between the alleged father and the biological father. Story reason: alleged father is set to inherit or already has big bucks, while the real father is a worthless cad.
OTC DNA tests surprised me too, Dale.
Swap samples? Oh yeah! Lots of possibilities for us crime dogs.
A home test would be easy to switch. A court mandated test would be pretty hard. Unless… the lab weenie is a buddy or bought off. They make about $17/hour. Pretty low bar for a bribe.
Perfect, the weak link that makes the scam possible.
Hi Debbie,
I loved today’s blog. Thank you.
It reminded me that I recently saw paternity tests available at the Dollar Store! I’m not sure I’d trust those. I didn’t check the expiration date for fear other shoppers might think this octogenarian had lost her mind checking out the great buy.
A few days later, when standing in line at the Walmart pharmacy, I noticed a small sign: “Ask the pharmacist about birth control pills.” So, when I picked up my Medicare insured prescription, I asked to speak to the pharmacist.
The busy young man asked how he could help me. When I told him I was interested in OTC contraceptives, he peered at my white hair and smiled as I asked a few detailed questions about their prescriptive process.
He asked why I was interested.
My response, “I’m a writer.”
I also explained I am a retired doctor who tried for years to get our State Board of Pharmacy to approve birth control pills over-the-counter so was pleased it was finally done at the national level. As you said, Deb, writers can find ideas for stories, just waiting in line.
Dollar Store DNA tests???? OMG, Betty, that’s too much.
Love your story about birth control pills and the pharmacist. “I’m a writer doing research” is always the perfect comeback.
I haven’t used this in stories, but my husband and I are binge watching True Detectives. In the second season Colin Ferrell’s character Ray is in a custody battle with his ex-wife over a child they fear may be the result of a rape. Ray has claimed this child as his own & begs her not to do a paternity test or ever tell the child the circumstances of his birth. This adds an arc to the entire season that is deeply personal, develops Ray’s at times questionable character, gives him heart and soul in the midst of a steady diet (for the viewer) of extreme violence. Without spoilers, I have to say the ending (after the violence concluded) was beautiful and hopeful.
Great example, Kelly! That writer knew how to exploit all possible angles for plot and character development.
Thanks for stopping by.
I wrote a book about a woman who gave birth to twins from 2 different fathers. It’s a rare phenomena called superfecundation. And the husband was not the father.
Wow, Jane, that’s double, double twist. Great idea. What’s the title?
What a fascinating topic, Debbie. And the title of your post is a real attention-grabber.
“This is to establish what is legally referred to as a “chain of custody.” This is where a third party laboratory technician will verify the identification of the testors and then take their samples before submitting them for genetic testing.” I can see a lot of opportunity for things to go awry in a fictional plot. (Or in real life?)
Note to self: stop by Walmart today and get in the longest check-out line.
Thanks, Kay.
Speaking of in real life: Several state crime labs (including Montana’s) have been investigated for mishandling DNA samples. That calls into question every case where DNA played a role in how those cases were decided.
Innocents might be in prison and guilty might have gone free. Far-reaching effects to the criminal justice system.
A bunch of people believe a paternity test should always be used while the baby is still in the hospital. I’m sure the government would love that info.
Marilynn, I’m sure they would love an easy way to track people from birth to death. That’s too much intrusion in personal business for me.
I’ve stood in plenty of long lines, Debbie, but never had such a productive experience as your did. Enjoyed your blog.
Thanks, Elaine. Not all lines are this inspiring!
“I’m a writer doing research” is always the perfect comeback.–That’s the line I used when I stopped at our local tire store and asked how to loosen a tierod end to cause a car to run off the road…
Totally loved this post. On my way to Wallyworld now…I’m sure there will be a long line unless I use the self-check…
Thanks, Pat.
Did the guy at the tire store text a heads-up to your husband? 😉
No husband…boyfriend at the time, though. lol