by Debbie Burke
Today let’s welcome a Brave Author who submitted the first page of a humorous cozy mystery with fantasy elements including a talking cat.
Please enjoy the read then we’ll discuss on the flip side.
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“Peekaboo!” I burst through the front door, Ryan in my wake. I stopped in the hallway and looked for any sign of the orange cat who was currently on my sugar (I don’t like to swear) list. It only took a moment before the little creature stepped primly into the hall.
“I was napping,” the grumpy feline said, shooting me a gold-eyed glare. She waited for me to continue.
“I acknowledged them,” I said, deadpan.
“Oh.” Peekaboo’s snooty manor fell away, and she lowered those gold eyes.
“That’s all you have to say?” I stood, arms crossed, my eyes shooting daggers. Ryan, my boyfriend, stood mutely watching. He couldn’t hear Peekaboo.
But I could. Oh, boy, could I. My sweet little inherited orange cat bestowed on me, by way of tripping me on my way down the front porch steps, the “gift” of being able to communicate with her. Oh, and see ghosts. To be fair, her motives were pure. She needed me to have a near-death experience so I’d wake up and be able to listen to her.
Maybe I should back up, so you know what I’m talking about.
I used to live in Los Angeles. When I was twenty-one, I broke up a mugging and saved a dear little old lady. She was so grateful that seven years later she left me her estate in her will.
In addition to a house, an SUV and a large amount of money, I inherited Peekaboo, the talking cat. Of course, I didn’t know she was a talking cat at the time. After glaring at me for a few days, she apparently thought I was hopeless and pushed me down the stairs. So, I woke up in the hospital and saw a doctor with a clipboard walk through a wall. But that’s really immaterial to my story. My neighbor, who found me splattered on the porch steps, had called 911. When I was released from the hospital, Elsie, the neighbor, told me I’d flatlined and it took ten minutes of the paddles to bring me back to life.
As I hobbled into my house after Elsie brought me home from the hospital and made sure I was alright to be left alone, subject cat started talking to me. I thought I must have a brain tumor…somebody get me back to the hospital! I grabbed the fireplace poker and used it to keep her at bay. I think she may have rolled her eyes at me.
Then, before I was comfortable that she was talking…and I could understand her…she trotted out the ghost of Alice, the sweet little old lady who’d left me her house. Apparently, this whole episode was so I could see Alice and solve her murder.
That little task resulted in me, and my best friend Susie, and my boyfriend Ryan, who wasn’t my boyfriend at the time…he was the homicide detective I had to convince to help me solve said murder…and DC, a PI that Peekaboo had led me to…I didn’t mention that she’s psychic, did I? That’s how she knew I wouldn’t die when she tripped me on the stairs. Oh, brother….
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Let me confess upfront: fantasy is not a genre I’m very familiar with. I don’t know the tropes and conventions so I hope more knowledgeable readers will chime in about this piece.
What did strike me immediately was the voice. It was humorous and conversational, which I enjoy. It felt like a friend relating a story after a few drinks…quite a few drinks.
Jumping back and forth in time on the first page is risky. The reader is not yet grounded in the story and can easily be confused. Too many events told out of order with too many characters being introduced all at once may frustrate the reader.
But that herky-jerky conversational tone is important to the humor. So, it’s a tightrope walk between smiles and irritation.
What I do know about fantasy is that world building is an important element. The author introduces an unfamiliar universe governed by its own rules. Those rules are different from the reality most people know. Readers need certain information to understand the imaginary world they’re stepping into. However, not all those elements need to be presented at once. Allow them to unfold during the course of the story.
But this example feels more like being hit with a firehose—too much information too soon. I’d be more interested and engaged if I understood a few ground rules.
My suggestion is to quickly establish a world in which only the narrator can hear a talking cat. Something like:
Peekaboo is a sweet orange cat I inherited from a dear little old lady named Alice I had saved from being mugged when I was 21. Seven years later Alice died, and to my great surprise, she left me a large sum of money, an SUV, a house, and Peekaboo, the talking cat.
You’re probably saying “Oh brother!” and I don’t blame you. I’m the only one who can hear Peekaboo, making it hard to convince people I’m not crazy.
Did I forget to mention the cat is psychic? And she wants me to solve Alice’s murder?
Let me back up a bit to when Peekaboo pushed me down the stairs (on purpose—the little brat) and knocked me out, so you understand how all this happened.
Regarding craft and word usage details:
Manor should be manner. The preferred spelling for alright is all right. Otherwise the manuscript didn’t have spelling errors. Good job.
Nice, smooth way to establish the narrator’s age (21 plus seven years later makes her 28).
Splattered sounds like blood or brains, and is not accurate for the scene described.
“I acknowledged them,” I said, deadpan. I have no idea what this sentence means. It has no relation to the sentences before or after it. Who or what does “them“ refer to?
Run-on sentences are tricky. They can convey humor but can also be confusing.
That little task resulted in me, and my best friend Susie, and my boyfriend Ryan, who wasn’t my boyfriend at the time…he was the homicide detective I had to convince to help me solve said murder…and DC, a PI that Peekaboo had led me to…I didn’t mention that she’s psychic, did I?
In a 55-word-long sentence, the reader is introduced to three characters (Susie, Ryan, DC), two professions (homicide detective and PI), the history of the romance (at first Ryan wasn’t her boyfriend), a problem (how to convince the detective/boyfriend to help the narrator solve a murder), and Peekaboo’s psychic ability.
Please slow down, Brave Author. Introduce the characters and establish their relationships to each other. Layer in the problem of solving a murder. Then add the punchline that Peekaboo is psychic.
The narrator’s disjointed thoughts have a curious logic that’s all her own, rather like listening to someone with early dementia. Obviously, the intelligence is still present, but connections keep shorting out.
That wacky voice can endear her to the reader but becomes frustrating and annoying if overdone. Preserve the humor and delete the babbling.
Brave Author, the concept of a talking, psychic cat is humorous, charming, and intriguing. If you don’t confuse the reader, you have the potential for a delightful mystery. Thanks for sharing this first page with us.
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TKZers: What elements of this first page appealed to you? What turned you off and why?
If you read humorous-cozy-fantasy genre, please educate those of us who are not familiar with it. What are reader expectations? Does this story meet those?
Thank you, Brave Author, for your submission. I think you have an idea for a great story.
Thank you, Debbie, for the spot-on critique. I agree there’s just too much backstory. It would be more interesting to keep the reader in suspense about some of the details and drop them in as the story progresses.
I also didn’t understand the “I acknowledged them” statement. It bumped me right out of the story. If the idea is to create a question in the reader’s mind, maybe something like “I did what you asked” would work better.
All in all, I hope BA will continue this and let us know when the full story is complete.
Thanks, Kay. What an excellent solution! “I did what you asked” arouses the reader’s curiosity. What did the talking cat ask the narrator to do? I have to turn the page to find out.
This is the third book in a series, so the backstory is to remind readers of first two books of the story so far, and to help new readers understand what happened in the first books.
Pamela, I’m assuming you’re today’s Brave Author. Thanks for coming forward! I hope you’re encouraged by the feedback.
Introducing a new book in an existing series is definitely an added challenge. How much backstory do you include to bring new readers up to speed without boring existing readers who are already familiar with the characters?
Fresh readers (like TKZers) can help you find the right balance between backstory and current plot.
Best of luck with this fun story.
Thank you, Debbie. I did take some of the suggestions into account and appreciate the feedback.
I read and write in both the fantasy and mystery genres. In fantasy, the amount of world building needed depends on how far about from the ‘normal’ world of here and now the story world differs. The writer made it clear that we’re in the same world as the reader by the use of so many every-day terms: PI, detective, dialing 911, and her initial response to the talking cat making her think she’s crazy.
I did enjoy the voice and agree that there’s too many long sentences and too much going on to quickly. Stick with the characters physically present in the scene and get to the others later, with the possible exception of the mention of the neighbor who found her after her fall.
It’s an interesting and unusual start. Lots of characters in fantasy books become psychic after a near-death experience, but most of those experiences aren’t caused by a push from a cat! Good job, author!
Thanks so much for your knowledgable input, Kathy! Interesting about psychic abilities following NDEs. The Brave Author found a fresh take on a trope.
Maybe it’s my ADHD brain, but I loved the first page…except for the “I acknowledged them” statement. It told me right away that the heroine was like me. lol–my friends often tell me to please say “new paragraph” when I go off on a tangent. And I don’t think BA would continue jumping like this after the introduction…that would be tiring, even for me.
That said, your suggestions would make this even better.
Hahaha, Pat!
Having a relatable character readers identify with is always a plus.
Hello, Brave Author! I love reading this genre. I enjoy the voice here — and, of course, the premise — but agree that there’s too much backstory too soon. Knowing that the cat deliberately tried to kill her for the greater good (HAH!) is all I feel I need to know at this point, not the details. After “After glaring at me for a few days, she apparently thought I was hopeless and pushed me down the stairs,” I would prefer to skip the doctor and Elsie and move straight on to Alice’s ghost. This book sounds like a lot of fun!
Janet, glad to hear from another reader of this genre. The Brave Author will be encouraged by your comments. Thanks for stopping by.
Janet, as I mentioned above, this is Book 3 in a series, so the back story is for new readers and to remind the readers of Books 1 and 2 of where we are in the story. Alice’s story was in Book 1. Pam
Hi, Pamela McCord. I’m working on a couple of series books for the first time, and this issue of backstory is delicate. I understand your desire to bring new readers up to date. To help me with this issue, I started reading different authors that deal with the same issues to see how they handled this tightrope. What I’ve discovered is a unique talent for slowly revealing the backstory over two or three chapters, sometimes including information later as the story develops and it can be introduced organically.
It’s a battle of resistance over need, but like all of these talented advisors, I’d stick with resistance. Though I enjoyed the humor in this chapter, the backstory comes at the reader like a train with smoke stacks at full throttle. Too much, too fast and you might derail.
Dee, thanks for your excellent suggestions! The trick is to make the reader curious but not confused. Less is more.
With a series, I ask myself two questions:
1. Does the reader need to know this?
2. Does the reader need to know this NOW?