Scamming Nigerian Funds to Build Your Time Machine

G’mornin’ Kill Zoners. On Tuesday, Debbie Burke mentioned internet scams and how an old-time con by the name of Eugene Francois Vidocq managed to defraud pre-internetters and become the father of modern criminology. Great story to check out: Eugene Francois Vidocq and the Origins of Criminology

Debbie also wrote “nigerian prince” in that post. That got me thinking of a piece I wrote some time ago on my blog. It’s titled How to Scam Nigerian Funds for Your Time Machine.

I’m a serious writer (nah, not.) and delve into darkness depths with psychotic characters, crime scenes you can smell through the words, forensic fluids that drip off the page so shouldn’t be read in bed, and nothing-good-will-come-of-these plots. But I know a good writer is a rounded writer, and I welcomed the chance to do a little humor when I got another of “those emails”. Here’s the DyingWords post:

———

“If you don’t know about Nigerian scams, then you’ve probably never used the internet. Seems like every couple weeks these West-African crooks drop me an email thinking I’m dumb enough to bite. Some people must, or the cons wouldn’t keep trying. So it was no surprise when I checked my inbox Tuesday morning and found another Nigerian grab at my wallet.

But it was different this round. For a change, I had little on my plate and time on my hands, so I decided to turn the tide on this guy. Here’s what “Mr. Martins Logan Scott” from Nigeria wrote me. Then I’ll show you my reply.

—– Original Message —–
From: “Martins Logan Scott” <voldemars@ngn.lv>
Sent: Tuesday, March 7, 2017 4:24:23 AM
Subject: Investment Proposal

Attn: Sir — We have gone through your country’s investment profile and history and we are interested to invest in it, we will be willing to partner with you and invest a substantial amount of money in your company if you have an existing company or we can also partner with you to set up a new one, provided you have a substantial and complete feasibility study and a well prepared business plan on the business/company you wil (sp) need us to partner with you.

Our group is a major player in investment in the middle east, Africa and the United States of America, we believe in pursuing a positive goal, in which your ideas can be enhanced potentially for mutual benefit.

As we seek new frontier and opportunities, we look forward to partner with you. Your prompt reply will be most welcome.

Best regards — Martins Logan Scott — martin.loganscott@gmail.com

—– Original Reply —–
From: “Garry Rodgers” <garry.rodgers@shaw.ca>
Sent: Tuesday, March 7, 2017 7:48:09 AM
Subject: Investment Proposal

Good day Mr. Logan Scott,

Thank you for your investment interest. I trust this reply finds you well and in accordance with the situation.

I appreciate your due diligence in appraising my investment profile and history. That is the primary mark of a careful and prudent investor as I’m sure you and the major players in your group are.

Your unsolicited offer comes at a timely stage in a current venture I’m working on. I was planning to release investment offerings by-invitation-only prior to a NYSE IPO. However, I’m open to prioritizing your group’s investment of a substantial amount of money during my project’s Research & Development (R&D) stage. Therefore, I’d be pleased to accommodate you and your esteemed business associates in safely appropriating your funds.

With an understanding of your agreement to confidentiality, my project involves a revised form of hyper-velocity, multi-directional transportation. The concept for analogous movement between distant portals, both historic and forthcoming, is nothing new. Space-time dilation based on the Einstein-Rosen bridge theory has been conceptualized for decades. Practical application of Faster-Than-Light (FTL) amplification was bottlenecked due to tachyon condensation which restricted Portal Entrance and Exit (PEE), but there’s now a clear and unique opportunity for a massive breakthrough.

I’m sure you’re familiar with the 1985 works of Professor Emeritus Dr. Emmett Brown and his DeLorean model. Unfortunately, it’s been three decades, going on four, since Doc vanished in a timely experiment. Although I patiently await his return, progress must move forward. With this, I’ve acquired Doc’s patent rights to the Flux Capacitor (FC) – the propulsion device central to warping the Space-Time Continuum (STC). Early technology restricted FC Input/Output (I/O) to 1.21 jigawatts, however… I’ve found a method of quadrupling I/O to 4.84 jigawatts, theoretically making the trip four times faster.

An additional advancement is planned in STC vehicle adaptation. The initial Entry/Reentry Velocity (ERV) difficulties experienced by the DeLorean vehicle proved dangerous. It’s now identified the angular, gull-wing profile created a Disturbance-In-The-Force (DITF). Evolving trials using a rounded VW Beetle prototype was thought to calm FTL/STC/PEE/DITF/ERV vibration – also known as Tolman’s paradox. Quickly, I learned the bulky Punch-Buggie (PB) approach brought no returns and I took a hit.

Compounding the situation is the original 1.21 jigawatt FC only required an 88 mph ERV. With a four-times capacity 4.84 jigawatt FC, it’s boosted the ERV to 352 mph. I realized… Great Scott! That’s a lot of ground speed. Fortunately, I’ve identified the new Aston Martin AM RB-001 Valkyrie as the perfect design. Now—here’s where you come in.

As you know, the Valkyrie is a highly advanced work of technology and produced in 25 unit allotments. I’ve placed an order for one Valkyrie to be refitted as a PEE vehicle, however, the Aston Martin Corporation requires pre-payment in full. With your timely offer of substantial investment capital, in return, I’m offering you the exclusive opportunity to fund my Valkyrie acquisition as the PEE vehicle of choice. It’s noble you believe in pursuing a positive goal and ideas than can be enhanced potentially for our mutual benefit.

Appreciatively, I’m accepting your group’s investment of $3.12 million USD. This covers the Valkyrie purchase, shipping, and handling. Please make an immediate monetary transfer via Western Union for deposit into my account #6105-883-464-0901 at Nanaimo, British Columbia, Canada. In lieu of cash, your direct purchase of the AM RB-001 PEE Valkyrie can be delivered to my Vancouver Island R&D facility.

Thank you for your generous offer, Mr. Logan Scott. Once my project is operational, I confidently assure your investment will be returned to you, along with accrued interest, to any point you prescribe in time. Your prompt reply will be most welcome.

I remain, sir, humbly indebted.

Garry Rodgers

———

I’ve yet to hear from Mr. Martins Logan Scott, but I trust he’ll be back in the future.

———

How about you Kill Zoners? Ever written a piece on a whim and were silly enough to send it? Let’s hear other experiences!

+10

36 thoughts on “Scamming Nigerian Funds to Build Your Time Machine

  1. Great response, Garry. Thanks for sharing.

    I did something somewhat similar once. I pretended as if I were taking the offer seriously but was slightly senile. I got a little smarter as the days went by and more emails were exchanged. I also acted as if I were negotiating the amount of the processing fee before offering to meet them at my home. They finally gave up.

    I now get calls for what I call the Jamaican Lottery scam. When they ask if they have reached “Joseph” I tell them no, I’m Lee Scratch Perry/Jimmy Cliff/ Desmond Dekker. I then play them “Israelites” and sing along. They hang up within ten seconds.

    You gotta have fun! Have a great day, Garry.

    • Gotta beat ’em at their own game, Joe. I have an aerosol emergency air horn by the landline so when I get one of those IRA scam calls I give ’em a blast.

  2. Not a scam, but a lesson in humorous letter writing. When I was about 12, I attempted a Betty Crocker Boston Cream pie. You were supposed to bake it, then split it in half, but it didn’t rise enough to make that possible–at least not like the picture on the box. My grandfather visited, and he called for typewriter and paper and composed a very eloquent letter, suggesting they owed me “two inches.” He never mention of what.
    To my surprise, I received a whole bunch of coupons, which, in my mind was a pretty good tradeoff.

  3. Garry, thanks for the shout-out as well as many chuckles this morning.

    Finally learned the name of that bridge people have tried to sell me for years–Einstein Rosen!

    BTW, I have 250 acres of prime Florida swampland that I’ll give you a great deal on. Just send me $250K in Apple gift cards…

    • Now I have this George Strait earworm running:

      I’ve got some ocean front property in Arizona
      From my front porch, you can see the sea
      I’ve got some ocean front property in Arizona
      If you’ll buy that, I’ll throw the Golden Gate in free

      Thanks, Debbie

  4. Great post, Garry. Very interesting. I don’t have a similar story to share, but your post gave me an idea. Your piece is a great character voice journal. I can see your crime detective in your series using time travel to solve his/her investigations. The snarky voice would create comic relief for an otherwise dark gloomy story. And I think book sales would soar through the roof.

    And, if you will sign the enclosed agreement, I will sweeten the offer with a 25% reduction on my percentage of the profits. Alternatively, I will make a one-time offer of lifetime use of my idea in exchange for the purchase (and delivery to my Ohio writer’s lab) of an Aston Martin AM RB-001 Valkyrie.

    I’m certain that we will have many mutually profitable endeavors in the future.

    • While I got earworms runnin’, Steve, here’s this from Billy Preston:

      Nothin’ from nothin’ leaves nothin’
      You gotta have somethin’ if you wanna be with me
      Nothin’ from nothin’ leaves nothin’
      You gotta have somethin’ if you wanna be with me

  5. Garry, Garry, Garry, what a hoot!

    I loved it so much, I wish I could reciprocate with a story of my own. But, alas, I’m a somewhat timid soul, and mostly not bright enough to scam the scammers, so I just punch the hang-up button, then block the suckers from calling me again.

    Thanks for starting my Thursday off with a bang… 🙂

    • Wasn’t sure how this piece was going to go over, Deb. I got a weird sense of humor – just ask Sue Coletta. Must be the dark side of spending three decades as being the guy no one ever wanted an appointment with – Doctor Death.

  6. Haha! I remember this post, Garry. Too funny. What you failed to mention is our hilarious exchange of these emails. LOL

    I’ve used the ol’ “There’s blood everywhere. Now what?” when answering the telemarketer’s calls, but have yet to respond in writing to the “Prince.”

    • If I mentioned all our hilarious emails, I’d burn the server down, Sue. The other day, I saw an unknown number come up on call display so I answered, “Revenue Canada, William Hofstadter speaking. How may I assist with your call?” There was a long pause, and then this meek woman’s voice said, “I’m looking for Garry Rodgers. He was supposed to be in for an eye appointment at 9:45.”

  7. Good morning, Garry.

    I seriously think Mr. Martins Logan Scott and his major player group are missing a truly golden investment opportunity. It’s truly a shame, because their failure to fund your project means humanity you won’t be able to crack the time barrier and bring the savings to the rest of us. Perhaps Mr. Martins Logan Scott would be interested in my Model 2021 Dean Drive, based on the Campbell wishful theory variant. My Model 2021 Dean Drive could be readily fitted to your PEE vehicle to provide additional power and capability. Truly such a forward thinking major player group needs to seize these opportunities before someone else does.

    P.S. Your reply still has me laughing.

    • I had to Google “Dean Drive”, Dale. At first I just got a road in Santa Monica, then I drilled deep and found this guy was the “stick and slip” inventor who defied Newton’s 3rd law.

      Ever see one of those perpetual motion birds? The ones that dip down on a central axis, take a sip, bob up, drip it out, and do it all over again? My mother got me one for a high school graduation present in 1974 and it’s still going.

      • That’s a great graduation present! Still going strong after all these years.

        I’d say John W. Campbell (long time editor of Astounding Science Fiction) was hoodwinked by Dean, but, honestly he sought out such “breakthroughs.” Another example, not that any more are needed, of a con working because the mark wants to believe it.

      • I used that as an introduction to scientific thinking when I was teaching 7th grade science–as my 7th grade science teacher had done for me.

  8. My daughter is much more creative than I when it comes to answering these calls. When she answers a call marked spam and there’s a live person on the other end, she whispers. “It’s done.” They’ll say something and she’ll respond. “Don’t forget the shovel…and bring bleach, too. There was a lot more blood than I expected…”

    If they’re still on the line, she’ll say something like, “This is Jeff, right?” When they say no, she’ll gasp and say, “gotta go. Forget whatever I said.”

    • Good one, Patricia. Can’t go wrong with those lines. I once answered, “Can’t find it.” The baffled caller said, “Can’t find what?” I said, “The silencer. You don’t want anyone hearing the shot, do you?” (stunned silence on the other end)

  9. Love this! Both the post and the comments. Ah, writers. We look at the world a tad bit different from most.

    I had a fun call with a scammer. The caller stated there was a problem with my credit card and they needed my information to straighten it out. He completely ignored my initial greeting, “Good Morning, this is Wells Fargo Wealth Management, how may I direct your call?”

    When he continued on with his spiel, I finally interrupted him. “Sir, you do realize you’ve called Wells Fargo BANK, right? I think we can handle any credit card discrepancy.”

    Silence. Then the call was disconnected.

    ***Grin***

    • We writers certainly do look at the world a bit differently, Cecilia. Great bank story 🙂 I often wonder how these scammers come up with their targets. Just random, or do we have marks on our foreheads?

  10. Love your post, Garry, and all the comments.

    I don’t get a lot of scam phone calls anymore. (Maybe my name got put on a “Don’t bother with her – she just hangs up” list that the scammers use. But I still get a fair number of “official” emails from banks, Amazon, etc saying my account has been compromised or whatever. I’m always amazed that the scammers don’t at least use spell check. A recent email supposedly from my software security company warned me of a “security alart.”

    • Thanks, Kay. Nice to hear you got a kick out of it. I got a very realistic “Amazon” scam-mail recently. It asked for credit card verification on my account, and whoever did this put a real professional spin on it. Makes me wonder how many people bit.

    • Thanks for the link, Alan. That took “matters into your own hand” to whole other level. Reminds me of a murder case I once had where a woman was dissatisfied with her lawyer’s settlement in her divorce case so she walked into his office with a 12-gauge shotgun and shot him dead in his chair.

  11. I am a simple person. There is a brick and mortar retailer who NEEDS my email address. I give them spam@ftc.gov. Funny, that is also where you report spam emails.

    I have been known to give the phone number to a local “Adult Establishment” to people who NEED my phone number. I hope they have a good time.

  12. Really hilarious, and well crafted. Somebody should write a novel on what “happened” when the scammer did respond and the whole thing goes to the next level.

    My own experience of scamming the scammers wasn’t as clever, but it went down like this: I was following a PGA friend playing in a big tournament, and my phone buzzed on the fifth hole (frowned on at PGA tournaments). It was supposedly someone from the IRS demanding immediate payment of $3500 past-due taxes, and yes, they accepted credit cards so I could avoic arrest and prosecution. I immediately responded that – surprise! – I was a career FBI fraud investigator, and that a trace of our callk was already underway and had identified the source and location… told him to sit tight, authorities would be at his doorstep within minutes. Dead silence. Then a dial tone. That was fun.

    • Hey thanks, Larry. I appreciate the compliment – especially where it’s coming from. You might remember that Sue Coletta (my other wife) introduced us and sent me to Story Engineering which I got a lot of good from and just made it required reading to a lady I’m mentoring.

      Quick thinking to impersonate a federal agent and break the scammer’s kneecaps. Just be careful with that trick – I think it’s an offense to impersonate one 🙂

    • Love that Larry. Actually working in IT in the Gov, I love to do that to people. Once though the person on the other end turned out to be probably an actual terrorist, because one she caught on I was a Gov person she went into a murderous screed that would have been scary if there were not so many goats and children in the back ground.

  13. Oh Garry, Precious, Wonderful Garry!
    You have been added to my Pantheon of Heroes!

    At my big boy job every time my cell phone rings with a SPAM call the whole workspace gets quiet in expectation of me putting it on speaker, and beginning the morning’s chat between the Nigerian Prince/US Marshal Svc/IRS/FBI etc and me…or my Leprechauns, or Gerald the Troll, or Pedro from Taco King*, or my imaginary Viking cousin Hrothgar, etc.

    • *Pedro at Taco King is an actual person who owns the best Mexican food chain in Alaska! “Hey, this is Pedro! Don’t forget, Taco King Delivers!”

      • Yes indeed, we do enjoy it when Mr. Basil allows us to take part in his financial future, especialifically when it is by helping a young person in need find places to store their money. We are after all professionals at such, what with all of the pots of gold and rainbowy stuff.

        Why just recently we were coaching a young man from a far a way country with a funny accent about how he could take that money, and instead of just dropping it into a virtual stranger’s bank you should invest in our Venture Capital Company, LBH&C&W ULtd.**

        We invest in exciting markets like, Interdimensional Insurance, Non-GMO Organically Grown Corned Beef, and clothing made for Faerie Folk of all species to enable them to walk amongst mortal humans almost undetected. Oh, and our latest patent pending, big hog motorcylces that run entirely on rainbows and happy thoughts!

        ** LBH&C&W ULtd. = Leprechuan Brothers Holdings & Chicken & Waffles Unlimited

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